You Know What Assuming Does Don't You?

The memory of Ms. Bronk teaching us the true meaning of the word assume is one of the most vivid I have of high school.  I can see her standing on that podium at the front of the band hall.  Someone had, foolishly, used assumption as an excuse for why they hadn’t done something.  Ms. Bronk asked if we knew what assuming did.  Either none of us really knew, or we could tell by the expression on her face that answering would only draw her frustrated gaze upon on us.   A couple of seconds passed before she broke the silence.  “No?  Well, let me show you.”  The chalk clicked and clacked against the shuttering blackboard behind her as she swiftly wrote out the word “ASSUME” in all upper case.   She continued, “Assuming makes a…”  BOOM, her hands covered all but the letters ASS.  “…out of…”  BOOM.  Then they covered all but the U in the middle.  “…and…”  SHHHH she slid her hands over to reveal on the the letters ME.  It took me a second to say it altogether.  To assume makes an ASS out of U and ME.  I wasn’t the only one that took time.  The delayed collective chuckle said as much. 

Assuming is a dangerous action.  Not only does it make and ass out of you and me; it also usually hurts you and me.  Assumption’s sting is always profound on the back end once we’ve been shown the consequences.  Assumption’s acerbic bight comes from the knowledge that with just the slightest bit of inquiry, if we had only kept an open mind, a dash of humility even, we might not be reaping the current drama our assuming had sewn.  We think, “All I had to do was ask… or seek a little more.” 

Now, assumption isn’t filling in the blank.  I’m a writer, a storyteller.  My mind fills in blanks.  Watch Castle.  His storytelling mind helps fill in those blanks the cops can’t, and that’s why New York is a safer place, people.  No, I don’t think we can help hearing news like, “Hey, did you hear that Sally left Johnny?” without having out minds instinctually fill in the blanks.  Why?  Was he abusive?  Were they that unhappy?  Was there another man?  All of this happens in the blink of an eye. 

Assumption is when we take those fleeting thoughts and actually believe them.  You don’t know Jack, and until you do, you should act like it.  Have the humility to admit you don’t know.  Hard part is that our beliefs are rarely spoken.  Right?  Us and our American passive-aggressiveness.  It’s in our non-verbal language we let people know what we really think, while our mouths flap out something sweet.  That southern influence lingers. 

Example: being left by my wife brought out all sorts of assumptions, and almost none of them were spoken to my face.  People talk.  I’d have a friend come up and tell me they heard about me being left and they’d begin to tell me how they heard I was “this awful thing” or that I was “terrible in this way or that.”  My eyes would widen, and I’d try to calmly explain what ACTUALLY happened.  Then their eyes would bulge as they’d realize they had just spread a… yup… assumption.  Somewhere along the way, someone who knew nothing talked to someone as if they knew something, and voila… two asses were born, and in the end I was deeply hurt, and my reputation was scarred.  It hurt greatly knowing that people were going to assume I had to do something terrible if my wife left me, that I must be awful, that something must really be wrong with me.  There are things wrong with me, but in truth, nothing out of the ordinary for a human.  Another assumption made about me would be revealed when I would first tell someone about my being left and being divorced and their faces would look not sad but grim, disgusted even.  When it was their turn to speak they would share how they were disappointed in me, that they thought I loved God, how dare I that I would go through with a divorce.  They’d start spouting scripture on how God hates divorce, and blah blah blah.  Again, their faces would change when I was able to share that they held an assumption that many people hold, and that is that it takes two to get divorced.  It doesn’t.  If someone wants out, the state of Texas will let them out.  They didn’t even check.  They just… assumed that it took two, and so held in their minds false information about me. 

Sad truth is that it happens a lot, particularly in divorce.  So many people who have gone through what I have shared the same experience.  People judged them based off of nothing.  There was a blank in the narrative and they filled it.  Thing is, that blank is there because it’s not your business.  Not everything is meant for public consumption. 

It is in humility and patience we find the maturity to say to ourselves, “I don’t know what happened, and I am okay with that.”  Then, when someone asks if you’ve heard about how Johnny left Sally you can say yes.  You’ll start talking about how sad it is, how you wonder what happened, and here is where victory is had… at this moment you’ll already have admitted you don’t know, and that’s what you’ll say.  “I don’t know.  Could be a lot of different reasons.”  And you leave it what it is.  Then when they say what they think, you can ask them where they got their information.  You won’t just take it as gospel, because for all you know they are falling into the same trap of filling in blanks, of assuming.  When they say they just think so, or they pieced it together because of blah blah blah you can just say, “So, you don’t actually know?”  When they admit they don’t you will have loved your brother or sister well.  Not only will you have protected the one being gossiped about, but you’ll be blessing the one gossiping by ending the line of destruction their assumption was blazing.   Your thoughts hold value in your brother’s and sister’s eyes.  I cannot tell you the damage done hearing the third hand assumptions made about me during this past year.  It broke my heart, and made me feel sub-human.  To say that I did not feel loved was an understatement. 

Don’t be an ass (the donkey-kind, not the other).  Don’t assume.  Love your brother and sister.  Assumption is judgment based on ignorance.  We condemn someone based off of guesses.  How could that ever be a good thing? 

Proverbs 16:28

“A perverse man stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends.”

Proverbs 26:20

“Without wood a fire goes out; without gossip a quarrel dies down.”

How Being Judged Hurts

A lot of people think that John 3:16 is the most ubiquitous and well-known verse in the Bible.  I disagree.   It may be the most well-known Bible reference, but in spirit I believe there is one that is far more ingrained in the minds of mankind.   

Check this out…

Matthew 7:1 “Judge not, that you be not judged” ESV

Every human knows this.  Heck, dogs probably know this.  We just can’t hear them in their minds saying, “Don’t judge me, okay.  The cat did it.  Okay?  You don’t know me.  Don’t act like you know me.”  If an atheist knows ONE verse it is this one.  It is everyone’s way of saying, “How dare you point out my sin to me!”  

There are two Biblical definitions of the word, judge.  One is to discern.  The other is to condemn.

We know that we are supposed to admonish one another, that discernment is good.  We will know one another by our fruit.  Yes?  The idea that Jesus was saying, “Don’t see other people’s sin ever.  If someone is stealing something, just let it go.  If your loved one is showing destructive patterns, how dare you admonish them.  How dare you reveal what you see that they might stop.”  We all deep down know this.  None of us live out the opposite either.  We all say something when we see our loved one about to put their hand into the fire.  We all say, “Stop!”   To let that person touch the fire unwarned is not even remotely loving.  No one let’s their kid wonder into the street for fear of judgment, nor allows their kid to keep lying.  Both are very dangerous, and to leave it to that person to just figure it out is silly, and no one does that.  We all share what we’ve learned, and discernment is part of that.

So what is the issue if it isn’t discernment? 

Condemnation. 

One of the greatest pieces of wisdom outside the Bible I’ve ever read was on the difference between condemnation and conviction.  Both sting at first.  Being told we are wrong ALWAYS hurts.  It is a practiced skill and sign of maturity to get better at hearing that you are wrong.  The difference is that conviction always promises life, and there is a sweetness behind it.  It is about freedom.  There is now therefore no condemnation in Christ Jesus.  We are free.  However, sin hurts, and we need to be shown from time to time that we are hurting ourselves.  On the other hand, condemnation brings about death.  It keeps us trapped in our sin, focused on the past.  It is a tool of satan.

Until this last year, I had never really felt the sting of condemnation so heavily, nor seen how destructive it can be.  It makes since to me now as I read that the number one reason for the rise of the “Nones,” those no longer affiliated with any church, is judgment.  I don’t think I ever really saw that judgment goes beyond words.  It isn’t just proclaiming, “You are going to hell.”  It is a posture of the heart and spirit, one that overflows into our actions.

A year ago my wife left me.  I have no desire to go into detail.  I have worked hard to preserve a relationship of some kind, however trivial, with my ex-wife.  All I care to say is that I did not deserve to be left.  She had no Biblical right to leave me.  I did not want her to leave.  I did not want to be divorced.  Beyond that, I am not going to say much.   

Since then, I have experienced a whole new side to the church I have never before known.  Note that when I say church, I mean the church greater, the body of believers, not one church in specific.  What I have experienced is judgment, and hear this, it has hurt me worse than I can possibly admit.  There just are not words. 

As I said, I have learned much about judgment.  Let me go back to what condemnation is versus discernment.  The main element of condemnation is not speaking words to people.  That is the overflow.  It is in the heart.  In order to judge someone in the verb sense you must first become a judge the noun.  In order to become a judge you are placing yourself as a dispenser of the law.  Think about that.  It is an act of self-elevation.  One doesn’t have to elevate to be a part of admonishing and conviction.  Who better than a former thief, or someone who still even battles the desire to steal to tell see the pattern in another thief and say, "Don't do it.  I know.  This road only leads to pain."  Is not the lustful man or woman the most qualified to warn of the false promises lust brings?  It surely is. Notice that the fellow criminal is still aware of the law.  There is an acute awareness, a discernment, of the law and can see when someone else is breaking it, and still warns to obey it.  I say that to again show that discernment and admonishment are not bad.

I want you to think about this...  Being judged, condemned, has given satan so much power for lies in my heart it is amazing.  I have never felt so useless, so unloved, or so dirty in my life, and I wasn’t even the one who left.  I was wronged, and yet I have been made to feel like dirt, like I am not pure, not true, not a real Christian anymore.  I have become a second-class Christian.   

Ultimately, that feeling is my own fault.  No one controls my heart.  These are lies that I have believed.  That is on me.  I should have been stronger, more faithful.  How many times has the Holy Spirit reminded me that Jesus was an outcast by the religious institutions of the day?  Many.   

Yet, I have struggled like never before, and in doing so I now see the power of condemnation.  If I, someone who has devoted their life to Christ, has struggled so mightily under the burden of condemnation from the church then what effect does it have on someone just peeking through the door?  We already know the answer.  Unfortunately, sometimes you just have to experience something to really understand it.  I never understood how I could condemn people with my actions, with my looks, with my posture.  I never saw how my feeling like I was better than someone would pervade through my mask and show in a hundred little ways, or come back around through gossip.  How many times have I heard mean things said about me by my brothers and sisters in Christ.  Even an amplified sense of pity can be a part of it. 

I realize there are a ton of trails and loose ends to be discussed in this.  For now, I just want you to meditate on the devastation a spirit of condemnation has.  Even though I have suffered it’s burden, I still struggle to not think myself better than others, to go beyond lovingly and gently calling someone out, and instead wreak havoc upon them, making them feel awful and unloved.  Perhaps that is the key.  Perhaps we forget that Jesus loved us BEFORE we were clean, BEFORE we loved Him.  Yes?  Maybe?  We too ought to love others BEFORE they become clean, as we are not clean either, really, not in action.  That is the beauty of the gospel, to be seen as clean when we are not.  God takes those weights and measurements of judgment and tosses them away. 

The counteraction to this has been the redemptive, the restorative, the understanding love of so many others.  It has been through the tenderness of those who have not condemned (but have sometimes admonished).  They gave counsel.  They hurt with me.  They reminded me that I am not somehow less of a person, that divorce is not a super sin, that it doesn’t define me.  I may be someone has been divorced, but that doesn’t make my definition the divorced guy.  It is not my label for life.  I am the redeemed guy, the Christian, the mess of a man made Holy only by grace, the guy that keeps screwing up and keeps getting taken care of by Jesus anyway.  

They helped me move past my own condemnation of myself.  It is amazing how when people start to treat you a certain way you struggle not to feel that way.  It is through the guidance of others I am reminded that I did not do wrong.  I didn’t leave, that you can’t make someone else obey, or love you.  I have been reminded constantly that good parents have children go astray, good spouses get left, and good people suffer.  Job was innocent yet suffered.  I remember Tim Skaggs, senior pastor at Coggin Avenue Baptist in Brownwood reminding me that Jesus stood outside of Jerusalem and wept because he had called them to Him and they would not come, that if Jesus couldn’t make them come how could I believe I could make Kathleen come to me?  I couldn’t.  We as the church can help or hinder so much.   

My prayer is that we can all see ourselves as we are, sinners redeemed by God.  May we not condemn.  May we not remember we are fellow criminals all coming together in praise of the fact that the actual judge decided to let us go free despite our criminal action.  May we not make a mockery of the court, and as criminals, climb into that judges chair, grab the gavel, and start waiving at the other criminals just like us, lest we be held in contempt of court.  All glory be to God.  Amen.

Where was God in Aurora? ...and other Questions.

Nicholas L. Laning

Where was God in Aurora?  So big has this question been that the other day cnn.com had an article with that question as it's main story.  So many people wonder, "what happened?"  And I understand the question.  Everyone has wrestled with this question, and we don't come up with the same answers.

Where do we get the idea that God is good, loving?

I am going to lay one truth down.  God's being loving and evil's existence is not incompatible at all.  Think about the fact that you got the idea that God is loving from the Bible.  You may think it is universal.  It isn't.  It is Judeo-Christian.  Most eastern religions don't have a god at all.  There is either illusion, or nothingness, or something else, but no god.  Hinduism has millions of gods, but they are all a part of the illusion of life.  They aren't a loving supreme being.  So, you are getting your idea of God being loving from Judaism and Christianity.  It is not an innate belief.  If it were, it would have played itself out in other cultures.  God being loving is very unique, not common.

Must a supreme being be loving?

No.  A supreme being doesn't have to be loving.  I am not talking about the Bible.  I am simply saying that something could have created everything and not be loving.  They do not have to go hand in hand at all.  That is illogical.  That is like saying that everyman that walks through the door will be able to whistle Dixie.  What does whistling have to do with walking through a door?  Nothing.  A man CAN walk through a door and whistle Dixie, but it isn't necessary.  Neither is necessary for a being be able to create our universe and have to love.  It is simply that Judeo-Christian influence you have if you feel that way.  You may not like it, but it is true.

So, we get our idea of God being loving from the Bible.  Does it then say suffering isn't real?

Umm, no.  Not even close.  You could pretty much take a Bible in your hand, close you eyes, open the Bible to a random page, and you will find suffering, probably a lot of it.  Read Job.  Job didn't even do anything wrong, and God allowed him to suffer.  Moses, David, Noah, Adam, every prophet, everybody in the Bible suffered.  Matter of fact, most of the Bible is about how to deal with suffering.  Think about that now.  This is the same book that gave you the idea of God being loving.  So, the same book says that God is loving also says that suffering is very, very real.  So then, God's idea of love includes allowing suffering.  Is that illogical?  Nope, and we know it.  Suffering can exist with love. 

Is it possible for suffering to exist with a loving God?

It isn't illogical for God to be loving and allow pain.  It is simply unpleasant.  We just don't like it, and as much as we like to think of ourselves as rational, we are prone to believe with our feelings.  If we don't like it, we don't WANT to believe it.  This is why when a MAN goes into a room and shoots people we get mad at God.  We don't want it to be about man.  If it is about man, it could then be about us, and we want to believe we are awesome.  We ain't.  All of history speaks volumes about how not awesome we are.  We think that because we haven't killed someone that we are good.  Never mind that we are selfish, greedy, prideful, arrogant, etc. etc.

Even if it is logically coherent for suffering to exist in world created by a God who is loving, why did that God choose to do things this way?

I don't know.  I have about eight different theories as to what the answer could be, but they are just that... guesses.  In the end, what we take heart in is that the God of the Bible, unlike any other deity ever put forward, took part in our suffering.  Think about that.  God allows evil, allows suffering to exist, but He did not stay up in the heavens and laugh from a distance.  He became man, and took on more suffering than you or I have.  He was tortured on our behalf.  That is loving.  He delved into the pain, and thus proved that pain can exist, and that He is still loving.

 If not God, then what?

This is where most people I have seen fall short.  We don't like what God has chosen to do, so we choose to reject Him.  However, it is very rare to ask the question, then what?  Judaism and Islam both have suffering and a loving God.  You can't get away form that there.  Eastern religions don't have a loving god, usually not a god at all.  There is justice.  Most run to atheism.  Question... if matter is all that is, then what is evil?  The answer is nothing.  Evil is just another chemical reaction.  Your "life" is nothing but matter trying to stay in a certain form.  There is nothing transcendent, nothing eternal about evil.  The shootings in Aurora, Colorado are nothing more than a chemical and physical reaction.  Does that sound better?  Does that comfort you?  Is that freeing?  It is truly awful.  It is the death of anything transcendent, the death of justice.  The death of love.  All is simply chemical.

How do you come to peace with God and evil?

Read the Bible.  If you read the Bible, you will cease to be surprised by evil's existence, as it is everywhere.  You will see that judging God on being hypocritical can only be done by rejecting His own description of Himself.  If you do that then you have to realize that you are getting your ideas of God from somewhere else, and you cannot judge the God of the Bible with the Bible.

Here are two pieces of scripture to leave you with...

Job 7:1-21

1 "Has not man a hard service on earth, and are not his days like the days of a hired hand? 2 Like a slave who longs for the shadow, and like a hired hand who looks for his wages, 3 so I am allotted months of emptiness, and nights of misery are apportioned to me. 4 When I lie down I say, 'When shall I arise?' But the night is long, and I am full of tossing till the dawn. 5 My flesh is clothed with worms and dirt; my skin hardens, then breaks out afresh. 6 My days are swifter than a weaver's shuttle and come to their end without hope. 7 "Remember that my life is a breath; my eye will never again see good. 8 The eye of him who sees me will behold me no more; while your eyes are on me, I shall be gone. 9 As the cloud fades and vanishes, so he who goes down to Sheol does not come up; 10 he returns no more to his house, nor does his place know him anymore. 11 "Therefore I will not restrain my mouth; I will speak in the anguish of my spirit; I will complain in the bitterness of my soul. 12 Am I the sea, or a sea monster, that you set a guard over me? 13 When I say, 'My bed will comfort me, my couch will ease my complaint,' 14 then you scare me with dreams and terrify me with visions, 15 so that I would choose strangling and death rather than my bones. 16 I loathe my life; I would not live forever. Leave me alone, for my days are a breath. 17 What is man, that you make so much of him, and that you set your heart on him, 18 visit him every morning and test him every moment? 19 How long will you not look away from me, nor leave me alone till I swallow my spit? 20 If I sin, what do I do to you, you watcher of mankind? Why have you made me your mark? Why have I become a burden to you? 21 Why do you not pardon my transgression and take away my iniquity? For now I shall lie in the earth; you will seek me, but I shall not be." 

Romans 5:12-18

12 Therefore, just as sin came into the world through one man, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men because all sinned-- 13 for sin indeed was in the world before the law was given, but sin is not counted where there is no law. 14 Yet death reigned from Adam to Moses, even over those whose sinning was not like the transgression of Adam, who was a type of the one who was to come. 15 But the free gift is not like the trespass. For if many died through one man's trespass, much more have the grace of God and the free gift by the grace of that one man Jesus Christ abounded for many. 16 And the free gift is not like the result of that one man's sin. For the judgment following one trespass brought condemnation, but the free gift following many trespasses brought justification. 17 For if, because of one man's trespass, death reigned through that one man, much more will those who receive the abundance of grace and the free gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man Jesus Christ. 18 Therefore, as one trespass led to condemnation for all men, so one act of righteousness leads to justification and life for all men. 


Hopefully this has found you well.  I am not perfect.  I am fallen.  My heart's desire is to share the love of Christ with you.  If I have not done that, then please write me and admonish me. 

Stupid Things Married People Say to Single People

Nicholas L. Laning

Just last night Kathleen told me of a friend who was sharing her feelings to her about her life.  The subject came about to men, and where she was at as far her heart was in the process of being single and looking for a mate.  She told Kathleen about she told her small group leader, a married woman, about her frustration with being single and guess what happened.  


Come on. You all know what happened.  The small group leader reproved her.  She told her her she needed to get over it, that she needed to stop thinking about guys and just be content.  

This is like a rich person telling a poor person they shouldn't want money... via skype from their Bahamian beach house, with paradise glowing in the background.  I can just hear it.  "No.  Rick.  You should stop trying to earn money.  You need to be happy where you are.  Hold on a sec.  (Yells off screen) Cookie, watch the lobster.  I don't want it overcooked like last night.  Overcooked lobster makes me bloated and we're going skydiving later.  I don't want it to be like our trip to Hawaii last week.  (comes back to the screen)  So, yeah, you need to just chill out.  Rice and beans are all you need, man."

There is obvious truth to this.  Rice and beans are more than enough to sustain.  There really, really are people dying around the world right this very second from starvation.  You should be thankful for whatever you have.  Period.  However, being thankful for what you have is not equivalent to not having future dreams, hopes, and desires, is it?   It isn't.  Every single one of the men that we look up to in the Bible had desires and dreams. 


I guess, in the end, my concern, between writing for the Abyssic and this, is that I have come to see that we lack in our ability to empathize and sympathize with people.  We want to much to fix people.  Perhaps it is our Texan individualism that makes us say, "Buck up," instead of, "I'm sorry you're struggling."  


I know I have done it too.  I used to be infamous at camp for being cold to kids who cried when they fell.  It wasn't that I didn't have sympathy, I guess.  I thought I was doing them a favor.  You know?  Most of the time they were just looking for attention, and would waste time they could have spent playing nursing a fake wound because we big people were coddling them.  Here's the thing though.  There were quite a few times where I said get up to kids that were actually hurt.  Who's an idiot now?  (Points thumbs at self)  I should have had room in my heart for actual pain, for the real deal.  We all should.  Let's recall Jesus' reaction to the pain of those mourning the death of Lazurus, a man he would raise from the dead...

John 11:35 ESV

Jesus wept.

(BTW, I am not saying that being married makes you rich and single poor, the analogy is supposed to show someone wanting something that someone else has attained, and the person with it telling the person they don't need it while enjoying it.  In this case, the person wants to be married.)