How Being Judged Hurts

A lot of people think that John 3:16 is the most ubiquitous and well-known verse in the Bible.  I disagree.   It may be the most well-known Bible reference, but in spirit I believe there is one that is far more ingrained in the minds of mankind.   

Check this out…

Matthew 7:1 “Judge not, that you be not judged” ESV

Every human knows this.  Heck, dogs probably know this.  We just can’t hear them in their minds saying, “Don’t judge me, okay.  The cat did it.  Okay?  You don’t know me.  Don’t act like you know me.”  If an atheist knows ONE verse it is this one.  It is everyone’s way of saying, “How dare you point out my sin to me!”  

There are two Biblical definitions of the word, judge.  One is to discern.  The other is to condemn.

We know that we are supposed to admonish one another, that discernment is good.  We will know one another by our fruit.  Yes?  The idea that Jesus was saying, “Don’t see other people’s sin ever.  If someone is stealing something, just let it go.  If your loved one is showing destructive patterns, how dare you admonish them.  How dare you reveal what you see that they might stop.”  We all deep down know this.  None of us live out the opposite either.  We all say something when we see our loved one about to put their hand into the fire.  We all say, “Stop!”   To let that person touch the fire unwarned is not even remotely loving.  No one let’s their kid wonder into the street for fear of judgment, nor allows their kid to keep lying.  Both are very dangerous, and to leave it to that person to just figure it out is silly, and no one does that.  We all share what we’ve learned, and discernment is part of that.

So what is the issue if it isn’t discernment? 

Condemnation. 

One of the greatest pieces of wisdom outside the Bible I’ve ever read was on the difference between condemnation and conviction.  Both sting at first.  Being told we are wrong ALWAYS hurts.  It is a practiced skill and sign of maturity to get better at hearing that you are wrong.  The difference is that conviction always promises life, and there is a sweetness behind it.  It is about freedom.  There is now therefore no condemnation in Christ Jesus.  We are free.  However, sin hurts, and we need to be shown from time to time that we are hurting ourselves.  On the other hand, condemnation brings about death.  It keeps us trapped in our sin, focused on the past.  It is a tool of satan.

Until this last year, I had never really felt the sting of condemnation so heavily, nor seen how destructive it can be.  It makes since to me now as I read that the number one reason for the rise of the “Nones,” those no longer affiliated with any church, is judgment.  I don’t think I ever really saw that judgment goes beyond words.  It isn’t just proclaiming, “You are going to hell.”  It is a posture of the heart and spirit, one that overflows into our actions.

A year ago my wife left me.  I have no desire to go into detail.  I have worked hard to preserve a relationship of some kind, however trivial, with my ex-wife.  All I care to say is that I did not deserve to be left.  She had no Biblical right to leave me.  I did not want her to leave.  I did not want to be divorced.  Beyond that, I am not going to say much.   

Since then, I have experienced a whole new side to the church I have never before known.  Note that when I say church, I mean the church greater, the body of believers, not one church in specific.  What I have experienced is judgment, and hear this, it has hurt me worse than I can possibly admit.  There just are not words. 

As I said, I have learned much about judgment.  Let me go back to what condemnation is versus discernment.  The main element of condemnation is not speaking words to people.  That is the overflow.  It is in the heart.  In order to judge someone in the verb sense you must first become a judge the noun.  In order to become a judge you are placing yourself as a dispenser of the law.  Think about that.  It is an act of self-elevation.  One doesn’t have to elevate to be a part of admonishing and conviction.  Who better than a former thief, or someone who still even battles the desire to steal to tell see the pattern in another thief and say, "Don't do it.  I know.  This road only leads to pain."  Is not the lustful man or woman the most qualified to warn of the false promises lust brings?  It surely is. Notice that the fellow criminal is still aware of the law.  There is an acute awareness, a discernment, of the law and can see when someone else is breaking it, and still warns to obey it.  I say that to again show that discernment and admonishment are not bad.

I want you to think about this...  Being judged, condemned, has given satan so much power for lies in my heart it is amazing.  I have never felt so useless, so unloved, or so dirty in my life, and I wasn’t even the one who left.  I was wronged, and yet I have been made to feel like dirt, like I am not pure, not true, not a real Christian anymore.  I have become a second-class Christian.   

Ultimately, that feeling is my own fault.  No one controls my heart.  These are lies that I have believed.  That is on me.  I should have been stronger, more faithful.  How many times has the Holy Spirit reminded me that Jesus was an outcast by the religious institutions of the day?  Many.   

Yet, I have struggled like never before, and in doing so I now see the power of condemnation.  If I, someone who has devoted their life to Christ, has struggled so mightily under the burden of condemnation from the church then what effect does it have on someone just peeking through the door?  We already know the answer.  Unfortunately, sometimes you just have to experience something to really understand it.  I never understood how I could condemn people with my actions, with my looks, with my posture.  I never saw how my feeling like I was better than someone would pervade through my mask and show in a hundred little ways, or come back around through gossip.  How many times have I heard mean things said about me by my brothers and sisters in Christ.  Even an amplified sense of pity can be a part of it. 

I realize there are a ton of trails and loose ends to be discussed in this.  For now, I just want you to meditate on the devastation a spirit of condemnation has.  Even though I have suffered it’s burden, I still struggle to not think myself better than others, to go beyond lovingly and gently calling someone out, and instead wreak havoc upon them, making them feel awful and unloved.  Perhaps that is the key.  Perhaps we forget that Jesus loved us BEFORE we were clean, BEFORE we loved Him.  Yes?  Maybe?  We too ought to love others BEFORE they become clean, as we are not clean either, really, not in action.  That is the beauty of the gospel, to be seen as clean when we are not.  God takes those weights and measurements of judgment and tosses them away. 

The counteraction to this has been the redemptive, the restorative, the understanding love of so many others.  It has been through the tenderness of those who have not condemned (but have sometimes admonished).  They gave counsel.  They hurt with me.  They reminded me that I am not somehow less of a person, that divorce is not a super sin, that it doesn’t define me.  I may be someone has been divorced, but that doesn’t make my definition the divorced guy.  It is not my label for life.  I am the redeemed guy, the Christian, the mess of a man made Holy only by grace, the guy that keeps screwing up and keeps getting taken care of by Jesus anyway.  

They helped me move past my own condemnation of myself.  It is amazing how when people start to treat you a certain way you struggle not to feel that way.  It is through the guidance of others I am reminded that I did not do wrong.  I didn’t leave, that you can’t make someone else obey, or love you.  I have been reminded constantly that good parents have children go astray, good spouses get left, and good people suffer.  Job was innocent yet suffered.  I remember Tim Skaggs, senior pastor at Coggin Avenue Baptist in Brownwood reminding me that Jesus stood outside of Jerusalem and wept because he had called them to Him and they would not come, that if Jesus couldn’t make them come how could I believe I could make Kathleen come to me?  I couldn’t.  We as the church can help or hinder so much.   

My prayer is that we can all see ourselves as we are, sinners redeemed by God.  May we not condemn.  May we not remember we are fellow criminals all coming together in praise of the fact that the actual judge decided to let us go free despite our criminal action.  May we not make a mockery of the court, and as criminals, climb into that judges chair, grab the gavel, and start waiving at the other criminals just like us, lest we be held in contempt of court.  All glory be to God.  Amen.

My Soul at Hazard

“I was sheriff of this county when I was 25 years old. Hard to believe. My grandfather was a lawman. Father too. Me and him was sheriffs at the same time, him up in Plano and me out here. I think he’s pretty proud of that. I know I was.

“Some of the old-time sheriffs never even wore a gun. A lot of folks find that hard to believe. Jim Scarborough never carried one. That’s the younger Jim. Gaston Boykins wouldn’t wear one up in Comanche County.

“I always liked to hear about the old-timers. Never missed a chance to do so. You can’t help but compare yourself against the old-timers. Can’t help but wonder how they’d have operated these times.

“There’s this boy I sent to the electric chair at Huntsville here a while back. My arrest and my testimony. He killed a 14-year-old girl. Paper said it was a crime of passion, but he told me there wasn’t any passion to it. Told me he’d been planning to kill somebody for about as long as he could remember. Said if they turned him out, he’d do it again. Said he knew he was going to hell. Be there in about 15 minutes.

“I don’t know what to make of that. I surely don’t. The crime you see now, it’s hard to even take its measure. It’s not that I’m afraid of it. I always knew you had to be willing to die to even do this job. But I don’t want to push my chips forward and go out and meet something I don’t understand. A man would have to put his soul at hazard. He’d have to say, ‘OK. I’ll be part of this world.’”

—   Sheriff Ed Tom Bell from No Country for Old Men

I’m just going to shoot straight here and tell you that life has been pummeling me as of late.  It’s not just one thing.  It’s a general barrage of first world hardship and disappointment.  Now, when I say first world I’m just giving some global context, not saying that my pain hurts less because of it.  It’s been hard.  Job’s been hard.  People’ve been hard.  And as usual, I've been less than stellar at making things better myself.  It’s just the times for me. 

And I have to say, that because of it my fingers have been slower to flip through the word of God.  Haven’t even wanted to say His name out loud much.

It isn’t that I’m angry.  If anything I am disturbed by how calm I’ve been, how easily I’ve turned over.  No.  It’s fear.  There’s a caution inside me when I start reaching for the Bible, a catch in my mouth for words of praise towards Him.  I’m just so tired of being pummeled that I’m downright scared to shake the hornet’s nest anymore.  I can hear inside me being whispered, “Just keep it to your self.  You can love God.  Just hold it inside you.  The Gospel is great, but let other people share it.  Take a breath.  Focus on getting by.  Don’t put your soul at hazard any longer.”

Each passing day has seen pieces of me flake off out of necessity.  Shed that optimism in order to cope with the disappointment.  Slough off that hope.  It just leads to more pain. 

The whole thing has just about shut me up.  There doesn’t feel to be a whole lot left of me in there.  But… there are some things, some good things, no, great things, things too good, that keep rattling the cage that seems to surround my heart.  They shout inside me, “Wake up!  Fight!” 

So fight I must, for I cannot bear to disappear any further.  Hope must be and grow.  And, my passion to share the gospel will not be curtailed.  Stopping telling people about God?  Might as well die.  What’s the point otherwise?  That’d be like never saying I love you to those you love ever again, and that just isn’t going to happen.  

I'm going to double up and believe it'll be okay, that there is a purpose to this mess.  After all, I was warned by God himself.  Shame on me for ever thinking it was going to be anything other than hard.  God didn't let the cup pass from His own son, Jesus.  Why would I think he'd pass this cup, an infinitely smaller one, from me?

Strength may not be there.  Right now it’s mostly bark, but I’m swinging.  I’m swinging for hope, for a life that’s more than just okay.  This weight need not crush me, nor will it… in Jesus’ name.  I invite anyone who feels moved to do so please pray for me in this, that my heart would not fail, that dreams would not cease, that disappointment would not overrun me.  Like the Psalmist, may I press on in faith, trust, and hope.  I will pray the same for you.

Psalm 84:8-12

8 O LORD God of hosts, hear my prayer; give ear, O God of Jacob! Selah

9 Behold our shield, O God; look on the face of your anointed!

10 For a day in your courts is better than a thousand elsewhere. I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of wickedness.

11 For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly.

12 O LORD of hosts, blessed is the one who trusts in you!

Key West, Fun, Purpose, and the Matrix...

Nicholas L. Laning

Just a couple of hours ago I did something incredibly uncool.  One day back from family vacation snorkeling the reefs just off the Keys in Florida, I couldn't help myself.  After doing some recon to make sure the pool was empty, or at least close to it, I broke into action.  My contraband was hidden underneath the towel hung gently over my arm.  There, in the middle of my Uptown Dallas apartment pool, I broke out my Darkfins (rubber gloves with webs between the fingers to help you swim faster, and my dive mask, and I swam.  

The differences between snorkeling in my glitzy apartment pool and the ocean were stark.  The water being sans salt meant I couldn't float anymore, and the water that bubbled into the nose part of my mask did not burn.  There was no swaying of the tides.  And, most obviously, there is nothing interesting to look at.  No ethereally painted fish or eels that remind one of some far away planet in a sci-fi movie.  

And yet, despite all of that, I found myself very, very pleased.  My pleasure has nothing to do with my pool or anything outside really.  The truth is, as great as vacations are, there is something incredibly unnatural about them after a while.  It hit me that, while on vacation, you are prone to think of yourself even more than you already do, which is quite a feat for such a self centered lot as we humans.  The name of the game is pleasing yourself.  At first this sounds great, but inside, the more we indulge, something dies.  What dies is purpose and love.  We are not meant to think of only ourselves.  God calls us to love others.  


All day I have been meditating on Corinthians 13.

1 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.  

2 And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.  

3 If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing. 

4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant  

5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;  

6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.  

7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  

8 Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away.  

9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part,  

10 but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. 

11 When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.  

12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.  

13 So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love. 

Don't skip a single line.  Read that and be amazed.  We are nothing without love.  Nothing!  We are to be kind, not arrogant or rude, to have hope, to endure!  What wonderful, incredible words!!!  Amen!!!  So much fun was had on our trip.  I saw things that I will never forget.  It was wonderful.  Yet, I am excited to stop thinking about myself all the time, and get back to the truly great things, and start loving God, and loving people.  I love to travel, and when I have thought about my travelling in the past, I have imagined it as a means of self indulgence most often.  Now, I still long to travel, but as a means to love others, to share things, to connect with those whom are spreading the gospel around the globe.  Hopefully, God will see it fit to allow me to love in this way.  If not, then so be it.  

Something that my brother shared with me really helped me in my seeing this world for what it is.  As we flew back home, he told me this analogy... believing in the Bible, or at least saying you do, and then getting so caught up in the minutia and tedium of this life, is foolish.  Imagine that you have been brought out of the Matrix.  You have been shown that your life in the Matrix is a lie.  You are a slave to this trick.  You decide you are going to fight the machines and bring about truth and freedom.  Then, when you get put back into the Matrix for your mission, instead of remembering your charge, you get caught with the minutia of the life you once had in the Matrix.  None of it ultimately matters in comparison to the truth, yet you are completely absorbed in rearranging your CD collection while the battle rages on.  Now, I am not saying this life is an illusion.  This is an analogy, and all analogies are limited.  This life is incredibly important, but it is not important in and of itself.  It is only truly important in light of eternity.  And yet, we live as if this is it.  That is not Biblical at all.  According to God's word we are to live for that which is eternally good.  That may mean not having everything go your way here and now.  It may mean next to nothing going how you want it to here and now.  It changes our view on money.  Having a ton of it, while comfortable, may be your downfall eternally, a distraction from duty (though not necessarily).  You may end up marrying someone who is not the person who makes you the most happy here and now, but in light of eternity, is the person God chose for you to glorify Him.  You may not be healthy.  You will only get to not experience everyone in your life dying if you die first.  If you believe what the Bible says, if I believe what the Bible says, then our eyes will see world completely differently.  We will be less likely to get caught enjoying what is temporary to the point where we stop fighting for the eternal.  


My hope and prayer is that God would give us fresh eyes to the truth, that we would fight for what is eternal and good.

Warning Sign

 

"And the truth is... I miss you so."

Nicholas L. Laning

Some of the greatest lyrics aren't fancy, they are plain.   They say what people are feeling in ordinary language.  The line above speaks to all of us.  We all miss something, someone, somewhere.  What we miss helps define us.  Just yesterday, I started coming out of a week long drought of the heart (possible sequel to "Total Eclipse of the Heart"?  No.  No one.  Oh okay.  That's cool I just...), and it has been awful.  I have missed being able to feel the presence of God. As I was missing Him, I thought about how God has made us to want Him, to need Him, even if we only know this subconsciously.  

I questioned why He would do that.  At first, my sinful heart thought it petty and cruel to make us need Him.  It seemed odd.  Not but thirty seconds later it dawned on me that us needing God is what makes Christianity different.  We don't follow a system.  We follow and adore a being.  

As a being myself, do I not long to be missed?  Do I not long to want people to be near me?  Surely I do.  I can think of almost nothing more terrible than to have no one in the world that longs to be near me, that treasures me, that is better off when they are near me.  I also long to want to be near people.  I don't want to need everyone the same.  It is the narrowness of my affection that makes giving it so great, what makes it precious.  And so the Holy Spirit has been faithfully and gingerly ministering to me, forgiving me of my own faithlessness and self aggrandizement, freely giving wisdom to see the lies, and faithful to give me courage in the face of lies head on with truth, to obey in trust.

I ask you, do you miss God?  If not, then why?  Do you feel Him unnecessary?  Cruel?  Apathetic?  Without Him, what do you cling to?  Can you live without Him and still find the ultimate purpose you know you need?  Can you still find justice?  

Matthew 22:37 ESV

And he said to him, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind."

May you know God, that you would miss Him.  May you miss Him deeply, more and more each day.  May He be gracious to you, allowing your heart to see that He is good.  May you and I be granted humility, never raising ourselves up, but letting God elevate according to His grace.  May we be instruments of hope and peace throughout the world.  May those who see us, see bits of Him, and yearn for it.  May we bit lit from the inside, and never lose sight of the enemy, never lose courage, and never lose hope in Christ Jesus.  He is surely good.  He is marvelous.  He is gracious.  My heart is thankful for Him, and for you.  He is surely great.  Amen.

Proximity Matters

This last Saturday, my Nanna (grandmother on my Dad's side) died.  She was ninety-one years old.  It has been an interesting week inside my heart.  I have already expressed much of that, and don't care to rehash.  I would like to talk about something that applies to us all.  It is a discovery.  It is hardly new, but is something that has been refreshed for me. 

Proximity matters.  It makes a difference.  I have tried long and hard to fight this idea.  In my mind, I have tried to hold onto the notion that people you love just dwell inside you, and with that logic, should be able to feel their presence at all times.  This is simply not true. 

Once someone becomes a part of your heart, a part of your being, they are forever embedded into your soul.  They become a piece of you. 

My mistake was in thinking this would make things easier.  I can carry them with me wherever I go.  It is a mistake, at least in part.  Proximity matters.  Now that I think about it, I don't know how it could be any other way.  If I could get the full joy of being near someone by simply placing them in my heart, then I would never need to see them again in order for that piece to remain full.  May it never be. 

I think of every time I ever went to go visit Daddy Jake and Nanna.  When I was with them, I was more alive, more real, more whole.  At first, when we'd leave, I was just sure that this new piece of me would carry on.  I would simply be new.  Usually, I didn't even make it all the way back to New Braunfels from Uvalde before I found myself feeling emptier, more diminished.  After a while I new that would happen, so I would simply dread leaving their presence.  They are a piece of me. 

Tonight we will be driving down late to be in Uvalde for Nanna's (her name is Doris, just thought you might like to know) funeral.  We will be staying in their empty house where so much of me was formed.  All the furniture is gone.  The house is sold actually, just not yet closed.  All that is left is the beds.  I will be saying goodbye to Nanna, and a huge chunk of myself that I will not get back in this lifetime. 

Proximity matters.  People can never leave your heart once they are their, but their lack of physical presence cannot be made up for by affection alone.  Like I said, then we would never need to be near anyone.  One time would be enough. 

No.  We are built to long to be near each other, to need each other, to make each other better.  We are meant to look each other in the eyes, and hear each other's voices, to feel the frequent and gentle touch of each other's hands upon the other's shoulder.  For being near, there is no substitute.

That has been one of my greatest comforts.  Yes, I will never be the same in this life.  A piece of me has died with my friend, my grandmother.  Yet, it is different this time in compared to the death of Daddy Jake.  You see, now they are together again.  only the thought of being near Jesus could be more comforting than the thought of two soul mates reunited in heaven, nothing to keep them apart.  They are no longer old and hurting.  Nanna's broken and bent body is now straight and whole.  She will speak clearly, even sing, and he will be able to hear and treasure every word for the rest of eternity.

Stained-Glass Window in the First United Methodist Church in Uvalde, Texas

Together again, redeemed and renewed.