A + B = C. 1 + 2 = 3. All of these are equations, and simple ones at that. Ask anyone who loves math why they love
math and you’re almost certain to get the same answer. They will say that the beauty in math
is that it doesn’t change. You can
debate politics, economics, literature, film, history even, but not math. One plus one equals two, period. If you debate this you are… a
moron. There is a sense of comfort
in that consistency, a sense of control.
It’s still difficult, but it’s just a puzzle to be unlocked, and the
formula works. If you don’t get
the answer right then it is your fault.
All variation of outcome rests on your shoulders. The formula works. It is up to you to fill in the blanks
and work the formula to its definite conclusion.
It really does have its
own beauty, and the draw is real in a world that is ever changing and
complex. 1 + 2 = 3. Formulas work… with numbers. What happens when we start to use
formulas with people?
“Well, Nicholas, who
cares? People don’t use formulas
with people really.”
Don’t they though?
One of my best friends
recently got engaged. My friend
had been previously married and went through divorce. His wife cheated on him sexually and then abandoned him. He was one of the greatest husbands I
had ever seen. Everyone who knew
him throughout his marriage would say the same thing. His ex-wife concurred throughout the entire process of her
cheating and leaving that he was so wonderful that it made her sick. It irked her that she had no real leg
to stand on and get upset, to blame.
She would talk about how good he was with complete vitriol as she
spiraled away from goodness and from him.
Time passed. As I said, he
is now engaged to a woman he has fallen in love with. It should be a time of celebration, and joy, and in most
ways it is.
However, there has been
enormous surprise though in the form of doubt from his fiancés friends and family. Pre-divorce, this man was the man all
parents and friends wanted to marry their daughters, their friends. Post-divorce, he has been doubted at
every corner, every turn. Even
after people get to know him, there is doubt. Yes, SHE cheated.
SHE left. Yet, there must
have been a reason. There must be some unsavory secret lurking in the closet. That is always
the thinking that comes from the people who doubt. No matter how many times he recounts the tale of what
occurred he is always asked skeptically, “What did you do?” When he asks them to clarify they
always say something like, “Well, you talk about what SHE did, but what did YOU
do?”
Question. Why must he have done something? Why must her leaving be his fault in
any way at all? Is she not a human endowed with her own free will?
Let’s take a look at
another story for the answer.
Another friend of mine
recently walked out in the middle of a sermon. The pastor at her church was giving the second sermon in a
five part series on marriage.
Sermon one, a week earlier, had been on men and their roles within
marriage. This was sermon two, and
was dealing with women and their role.
The pastor came around to the subject of divorce. He urged everyone that was in a struggling
marriage to stick it out. He
talked about God’s design for marriage, talked about how those that did go
through divorce that there was forgiveness, redemption, and hope. My friend, who divorced her husband due
to sexual infidelity and drug addiction nodded knowingly through all of
this. It wasn’t until the pastor
started talking about how women could, through certain actions, bring about the
change they wanted in their husbands.
The list began. After the
first item she nodded, thinking, “I did that.” Then the next item.
She did that. The
next. Did that too. On and on it went until she just
couldn’t take it any longer. She
walked out of that sermon knowing that she did all of those things and it did
not change her husband. She knew
them throughout her marriage.
People told her that if she just loved her husband better then he would
change. Her actions would melt his
heart. They didn't.
That pastor was doing
his best, but he had no idea that he had done something very dangerous. He put people into a formula, and while
formulas work with numbers, they don’t work with people. Everything he had told those women to
do was spot on. There is no
trouble there. The trouble was
telling them that such actions could, indeed WOULD, change the actions and heart
of their husbands. My friend is
the prime example of how that is not true.
People are not
numbers. Numbers do not
change. Four is four is four. People change constantly. We change so much we aren’t even always
sure what is going on inside our own selves. That is how stupidly complicated we are.
This concept is not in
any way limited to marriage and divorce.
The idea of simplifying humanity into a formula pops up in the
Bible. Check this out…
LUKE 13
There were some
present at that very time who told him about the Galileans whose blood Pilate
had mingled with their sacrifices. 2 And he answered them, “Do
you think that these Galileans were worse sinners than all the other Galileans,
because they suffered in this way? 3 No, I tell you; but unless
you repent, you will all likewise perish. 4 Or those eighteen
on whom the tower in Siloam fell and killed them: do you think that they were
worse offenders than all the others who lived in Jerusalem? 5 No,
I tell you; but unless you repent, you will all likewise perish.”
Read that. The people talking to Jesus saw these
horrible things happening to these people and instead of seeing it as
injustice, instead of putting the blame on Pilate and the Romans whom had mixed
their blood with sacrifices, or in the case of the tower, gravity, they assumed
that those who were killed had done something to deserve such misfortune.
Jesus Heals a Man
Born Blind
JOHN 3
1As he passed by, he saw a man blind
from birth. 2And
his disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he
was born blind?” 3Jesus
answered, “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but
that the works of God might be displayed in him. 4We must
work the works of him who sent me while it is day; night is coming, when no one
can work. 5As long as I am in the world, I am the light of the world.” 6Having
said these things, he spit on the ground and made mud with the saliva. Then he
anointed the man’s eyes with the mud 7and said to him, “Go, wash in the pool of Siloam” (which means Sent). So he
went and washed and came back seeing.
Here it is
again. This time it isn’t just
people, but Jesus’ disciples. They
come upon a man who is born blind and instead of seeing it as misfortune they
assume that either he or his parents had sinned. There is a loooooooong heritage of people oversimplifying in
the Christian faith. I’ve known
people who were battling cancer and instead of receiving encouragement were
instead chastised. You see, they
would be healed if only they had enough faith. They were still sick.
Ergo, they did not have enough faith.
“Nick, that’s
crazy talk. Some outlandish people
might do that, but not your average Christian.”
Maybe not about
healing sickness, no. About
marriage and relationships? You
bet.
We need to feel
we’re in control. We need things
to be understandable. In church,
we feel we need to have answers, definitive ones. If we don’t have an answer for everything then somehow that
might mean we’re not worth coming to?
I don’t know. Answers must
be had though, and so we reach to that same place of peace we find in math. We think, “God loves marriage and hates
divorce, ergo, he would not let a marriage between two God following people end
in divorce.” Hey, God also hates
death, but it is still coming. God
hates sickness, but no one lives a perfectly healthy life.
Most Christians
have come to see the prosperity gospel as silly, yet we have adopted that
gospel, not with money, but with our families. Surely, if I love God and my wife loves God then there is no
chance for failure. Surely, if I
raise my children in the way of the Lord, they will grow to love Him as I love
Him. Yet, we all know that when we
get beyond the fantasy and look at life, at our experiences, we know
differently. Have we not all known
someone amazing who has been left?
Have we not all known an amazing set of parents who had a child become
wayward? I’ve read the Bible and
have yet to see a verse promising such things. Have you? Where
is the verse that promises that “if you love your spouse how you should they
won’t leave and will become the spouse you wish them to be?” The verse that says, “if you raise your
children as the Bible says that you are guaranteed that they will grow up to be
as you hoped” is where? For that
matter, where is any verse in the Bible that says that your obedience in any
way is guaranteed to alter the actions of another person ever?
I’ll give you a hint…
there isn’t one. Okay, that’s not
a hint. You caught me.
“Nicholas, no. It says in Proverbs 22:6 says, “Start
children off on the way they should go, and when they are old they will not
turn from it. Boom!”
That is not a
promise. It is a Proverb. A proverb is defined as a brief popular
saying that gives advice about how people should live or express a belief that
is generally thought to be true.
Thus sayeth Merriam and Webster.
Before you tell me that you don’t care about what some secular source
says a Proverb is, here are some resources, all gotten from the first page of
Google with “Are proverbs promises” in the search bar. Feel free to go see your self. Here are some of the sites…
These
articles weren’t written by hippies here, with John Piper and James Dobson
amongst the writers. In the
article written by Dr. Dobson he expounds on not just this one proverb as not
always being true but goes through a list of others, as he says,
"Lazy
hands make a man poor, but diligent hands bring wealth" (10:4). (Have you
ever met a diligent--but poor--Christian? I have.)
"The
blessing of the Lord brings wealth, and he adds no trouble to it" (10:22).
"The fear of
the Lord adds length to life, but the years of the wicked are cut short"
(10:27). (I have watched some beautiful children die with a Christian testimony
on their lips.)
"No harm
befalls the righteous, but the wicked have their fill of trouble" (12:21).
"Plans fail
for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed" (15:22).
"Gray hair
is a crown of splendor; it is attained by a righteous life" (16:31).
"The lot is
cast into the lap, but its every decision is from the Lord" (16:33).
"A
tyrannical ruler lacks judgment, but he who hates ill-gotten gain will enjoy a
long life" (28:16).
There is no
promise that you can manipulate another person through your obedience or
faith. Each person is accountable
for only their sin. Deuteronomy
24:16 says a parent is not to be executed for a child’s sin nor vise versa, as
each is punished for their own sin.
How can this be true if Proverbs 22:6 is a promise? Would that not make the parents
culpable? Also, were this a
promise, then you, not God, would be saving your child. It would be your works that saved them,
not God’s grace. We know this to
be false.
Point is that all
of these situations are formulas, and all of them fail. They don’t just fail the people who
have them hit them directly. They
hurt everyone. How much better
would our marriages be if we didn’t rest on this fake formula? Mightn’t we be more active in our
pursuit of our spouse? Would we
not be infinitely more capable of encouraging those who have been left by their
spouses, had children go astray, are estranged from their parents, a friend,
are dealing with illness or some other life horror? We would. There
is no doubt. There may be a sense
of security in trusting the formula, but it is false security, as people aren’t
numbers.
If we got rid of
trusting these stupid formulas…
…my friend could
be simply celebrating his engagement.
The people around his fiancé would be ecstatic, as they would see that
their friend was about to marry one of the best men alive. They would meet his story with empathy
instead of doubt.
…the blind man
would have been met with help and empathy instead of judgment, as if his life
had not been hard enough.
…those who died
at the hand of Pilate and under the tower in Siloam would have been mourned
properly instead of their legacy being invoked with shame.
…we will not
doubt God’s goodness when the formula fails, as we will already know the
formula was fantasy and not from God.
We will love our spouse as we ought and God will still be good
regardless of their response, as we will now know there was never a guarantee
of change. We will be evermore
patient when our child doesn’t respond to our Godly parenting. We will not hate ourselves, nor God, as
it was never in our power to control another, even one who is in our
stewardship. We will go to God,
not our own actions, to change the hearts of others.
