"Allow myself to introduce... myself." (Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Blog)

I am not oblivious to my own nature, neither my strengths nor weaknesses.  So, don't think that I am unaware that I can be a serious fellow.  No no.  It's true.  If a heart attack and I were to get into a Contest of Seriousness I would beat him so solidly he'd have a coronary.  (scratches head)

Here's the story.  So, my family just went through the process of taking the Meyers-Briggs test.  For the uninitiated, the Meyers-Briggs is a personality test.  Yes, if you are wondering, I failed.  Okay, kidding.  It doesn't work like that.  The test is meant to, in a general way, evaluate your personality and help you understand it better.  It is actually an incredibly effective to tool to help you gain a bit of perspective on yourself.  The results are surprisingly accurate.  When reading mine, I wondered if perhaps it was a prank played by those who know me.  It was as if the test makers had not asked me questions and evaluated me, but followed me around for a week.  (Looks over shoulder, checks under lamp for bugs) 

Getting the results was a ton of fun.  My brother, Jason, was an INTJ.  This personality type is also known as the "Mastermind" personality type.  Shocker that this is the most compatible personality type with mine.  My brother and I enjoy serious conversation.  Serious is fun for us.  Every now and then it is fun to cut loose, BUT on the whole, the most fun things are things with purpose. 

I am an ENFP.  A somewhat common personality type... for women.  ENFP males are rare.  Yes.  Shut up.  Moving on.  Our personality type is called the "Champion".  This is the El Cid, Advocate, fight for a cause kind of champion, as in "one who champions a cause," champion, not a "we win" champion.  We ENFPs are not satisfied unless we are fighting for a cause, sharing the human experience.  Yes, exactly, they bugged my room.  I will find them eventually.  For example, we ENFPs and INTJs think solving world hunger is more fun than dancing... because it is. 

I know you probably don't agree, that is why I am revamping my blog.  Apparently, most people find dancing more fun than solving world hunger.  (Under my breath: "Weirdos")   I am going to be doing my best to continue sharing my heart, keep trying to glorify God, but do so in a way that those who don't think that solving world hunger is more fun than dancing can read this blog and be blessed and entertained.  The two are surely not mutually exclusive.  I mean... (clears throat) ...it will be totes hilar and so awesome!  

So, my new guidelines are...


Keep it funny.  Yes, I am serious as a heart attack, but that don't mean I ain't never funny.  Sometimes I is.

Keep it short.  This one will be hard, as I have a penchant for verbosity.  Tis true and I know it.  I will do my best. (sheepish grin, crosses fingers behind back)  I want this blog to be accessible, as apparently most people these days have little to no attention span and struggle to focus for Wow the biggest gecko just crawled across my window.  Or is it a salamander?

Keep it real.  I am still an ENFP.  More than that, I am still a child of God.  I still want to bless you and be blessed by you, exchange thoughts,  share hidden human experience and insights, try my best to glorify God above all else. This life has not ceased being short, and we can all help each other in living more fully.  My hope is that God's gift to me, my ability to communicate, will be used to His glory.  

So, come back and keep reading.  And hit the little "like" button if you did in fact like.  Takes two seconds, and despite your ADD, surely you can manage to NICE! Email from the Prince of Jordan!  Gonna be rich.  Check y'all later.  

Are Short Lives Incomplete Lives?

"He left us too soon."

"She was robbed of life early."

"His story was cut short."

Almost every time, maybe every time, someone young dies some form of the above notions get tossed about.  Death is always hard for us mortals, as it should be.  Death's permanency is surely horrifying.  Yet, we seem to have formed some sort of unspoken gradient by which we feel we can measure the completeness of a person's life, and thereby we can also judge the level of tragedy that goes along with that death. 

If someone is a hundred, and they die, we don't even bat an eye.  We marvel at their age.  We say, "Well done."  Some might even say, "I hope I don't live that long."  Most of us nowadays see the eighties as expected.  Reach eighty and all bets are off.  We'll shed a tear for you, but you've gotten your due.  Sixties are when things start to hurt, where the questions start.  Someone dies in their sixties and we can't help but wonder why they didn't make eighty.  There is a sense of loss, of tragedy, but at least there is the notion that they lived somewhat.  Children were probably had, maybe grand kids.  Not a total loss.  If someone is thirty and dies, we are floored.  Twenties, we're gutted.  Teens and below, forget it.  Our minds don't even know how to handle it.  

When people die young, we feel they have been robbed.  So short was their life.  So little did they experience.  So much more was left for them to do and see and feel.  The loss is overwhelming to us.  It is not just for ourselves we mourn, but mostly for them.  We view their lives as tragedy.

Question is, "Is a short story an incomplete story?"

 Absolutely not.

Go read the story, "To Build a Fire," by Jack London.  It is a literary masterpiece.  You will be moved.  You will torn.  You'll feel elation.  You'll feel loss.  All of that, and the story is only fifteen pages long.  That's it.  

Compare that with a Harry Potter novel or one of the Lord of the Rings books.  Those are hundreds and hundreds of pages each.  Thousands of pages to complete the story of each series.  Yet here we have "To Build a Fire" at fifteen pages, and it is a masterpiece.  It does not need anything else to tell it's story.  As a matter of fact, more might even ruin the story.  It's brevity is part of it's power.  We've seen it again and again, particularly in movies, where a beloved short film is taken and extended, only to show us just how perfect the story was in it's short form.  Adding things simply ruined the story.

Now, let's read this:

All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
(Psalm 139:16)

Do you see what I see?  Our days are ordained.  For those who don't know what ordained means, it means numbered, given, set up.  Not only that, but they were so before we even were! With that in mind, there is no such thing as a life cut short.  No one has been robbed of life early.  There is an author, and he doesn't make mistakes.  Every life ends exactly when it should.  

This doesn't mean we don't hurt.  We do, but for us.  We hurt because we miss those who have gone before.  BUT, the beauty is that we are now free to see the beauty in those lives.  We need not feel they were robbed of life. There lives were masterpieces, written by the ultimate author.  Sometimes those stories leave us sad, much like "To Build a Fire," but they are still masterpieces.  They still move us.  They are still complete.  There are long lives that end sad too.   Long life is a good thing.  We know this.  But, let us no longer judge the lives  of those whom have lived briefly as lesser works.  It may feel like we are sticking up for them, like we are for them, but we disrespect their lives.  It would be like judging "To Build a Fire," not based upon its prowess as a literary work, but simply for its length. 

This way we get to revel in the beauty of a short life.  We get to take it in.  Yes, it leaves us wanting more.  All stories do.  Yet, we will be revering the beauty of the work, and respecting that life as we should.  That is the real way to honor those whose lives have ended in youth.

My Soul at Hazard

“I was sheriff of this county when I was 25 years old. Hard to believe. My grandfather was a lawman. Father too. Me and him was sheriffs at the same time, him up in Plano and me out here. I think he’s pretty proud of that. I know I was.

“Some of the old-time sheriffs never even wore a gun. A lot of folks find that hard to believe. Jim Scarborough never carried one. That’s the younger Jim. Gaston Boykins wouldn’t wear one up in Comanche County.

“I always liked to hear about the old-timers. Never missed a chance to do so. You can’t help but compare yourself against the old-timers. Can’t help but wonder how they’d have operated these times.

“There’s this boy I sent to the electric chair at Huntsville here a while back. My arrest and my testimony. He killed a 14-year-old girl. Paper said it was a crime of passion, but he told me there wasn’t any passion to it. Told me he’d been planning to kill somebody for about as long as he could remember. Said if they turned him out, he’d do it again. Said he knew he was going to hell. Be there in about 15 minutes.

“I don’t know what to make of that. I surely don’t. The crime you see now, it’s hard to even take its measure. It’s not that I’m afraid of it. I always knew you had to be willing to die to even do this job. But I don’t want to push my chips forward and go out and meet something I don’t understand. A man would have to put his soul at hazard. He’d have to say, ‘OK. I’ll be part of this world.’”

—   Sheriff Ed Tom Bell from No Country for Old Men

I’m just going to shoot straight here and tell you that life has been pummeling me as of late.  It’s not just one thing.  It’s a general barrage of first world hardship and disappointment.  Now, when I say first world I’m just giving some global context, not saying that my pain hurts less because of it.  It’s been hard.  Job’s been hard.  People’ve been hard.  And as usual, I've been less than stellar at making things better myself.  It’s just the times for me. 

And I have to say, that because of it my fingers have been slower to flip through the word of God.  Haven’t even wanted to say His name out loud much.

It isn’t that I’m angry.  If anything I am disturbed by how calm I’ve been, how easily I’ve turned over.  No.  It’s fear.  There’s a caution inside me when I start reaching for the Bible, a catch in my mouth for words of praise towards Him.  I’m just so tired of being pummeled that I’m downright scared to shake the hornet’s nest anymore.  I can hear inside me being whispered, “Just keep it to your self.  You can love God.  Just hold it inside you.  The Gospel is great, but let other people share it.  Take a breath.  Focus on getting by.  Don’t put your soul at hazard any longer.”

Each passing day has seen pieces of me flake off out of necessity.  Shed that optimism in order to cope with the disappointment.  Slough off that hope.  It just leads to more pain. 

The whole thing has just about shut me up.  There doesn’t feel to be a whole lot left of me in there.  But… there are some things, some good things, no, great things, things too good, that keep rattling the cage that seems to surround my heart.  They shout inside me, “Wake up!  Fight!” 

So fight I must, for I cannot bear to disappear any further.  Hope must be and grow.  And, my passion to share the gospel will not be curtailed.  Stopping telling people about God?  Might as well die.  What’s the point otherwise?  That’d be like never saying I love you to those you love ever again, and that just isn’t going to happen.  

I'm going to double up and believe it'll be okay, that there is a purpose to this mess.  After all, I was warned by God himself.  Shame on me for ever thinking it was going to be anything other than hard.  God didn't let the cup pass from His own son, Jesus.  Why would I think he'd pass this cup, an infinitely smaller one, from me?

Strength may not be there.  Right now it’s mostly bark, but I’m swinging.  I’m swinging for hope, for a life that’s more than just okay.  This weight need not crush me, nor will it… in Jesus’ name.  I invite anyone who feels moved to do so please pray for me in this, that my heart would not fail, that dreams would not cease, that disappointment would not overrun me.  Like the Psalmist, may I press on in faith, trust, and hope.  I will pray the same for you.

Psalm 84:8-12

8 O LORD God of hosts, hear my prayer; give ear, O God of Jacob! Selah

9 Behold our shield, O God; look on the face of your anointed!

10 For a day in your courts is better than a thousand elsewhere. I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of wickedness.

11 For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly.

12 O LORD of hosts, blessed is the one who trusts in you!

Where was God in Aurora? ...and other Questions.

Nicholas L. Laning

Where was God in Aurora?  So big has this question been that the other day cnn.com had an article with that question as it's main story.  So many people wonder, "what happened?"  And I understand the question.  Everyone has wrestled with this question, and we don't come up with the same answers.

Where do we get the idea that God is good, loving?

I am going to lay one truth down.  God's being loving and evil's existence is not incompatible at all.  Think about the fact that you got the idea that God is loving from the Bible.  You may think it is universal.  It isn't.  It is Judeo-Christian.  Most eastern religions don't have a god at all.  There is either illusion, or nothingness, or something else, but no god.  Hinduism has millions of gods, but they are all a part of the illusion of life.  They aren't a loving supreme being.  So, you are getting your idea of God being loving from Judaism and Christianity.  It is not an innate belief.  If it were, it would have played itself out in other cultures.  God being loving is very unique, not common.

Must a supreme being be loving?

No.  A supreme being doesn't have to be loving.  I am not talking about the Bible.  I am simply saying that something could have created everything and not be loving.  They do not have to go hand in hand at all.  That is illogical.  That is like saying that everyman that walks through the door will be able to whistle Dixie.  What does whistling have to do with walking through a door?  Nothing.  A man CAN walk through a door and whistle Dixie, but it isn't necessary.  Neither is necessary for a being be able to create our universe and have to love.  It is simply that Judeo-Christian influence you have if you feel that way.  You may not like it, but it is true.

So, we get our idea of God being loving from the Bible.  Does it then say suffering isn't real?

Umm, no.  Not even close.  You could pretty much take a Bible in your hand, close you eyes, open the Bible to a random page, and you will find suffering, probably a lot of it.  Read Job.  Job didn't even do anything wrong, and God allowed him to suffer.  Moses, David, Noah, Adam, every prophet, everybody in the Bible suffered.  Matter of fact, most of the Bible is about how to deal with suffering.  Think about that now.  This is the same book that gave you the idea of God being loving.  So, the same book says that God is loving also says that suffering is very, very real.  So then, God's idea of love includes allowing suffering.  Is that illogical?  Nope, and we know it.  Suffering can exist with love. 

Is it possible for suffering to exist with a loving God?

It isn't illogical for God to be loving and allow pain.  It is simply unpleasant.  We just don't like it, and as much as we like to think of ourselves as rational, we are prone to believe with our feelings.  If we don't like it, we don't WANT to believe it.  This is why when a MAN goes into a room and shoots people we get mad at God.  We don't want it to be about man.  If it is about man, it could then be about us, and we want to believe we are awesome.  We ain't.  All of history speaks volumes about how not awesome we are.  We think that because we haven't killed someone that we are good.  Never mind that we are selfish, greedy, prideful, arrogant, etc. etc.

Even if it is logically coherent for suffering to exist in world created by a God who is loving, why did that God choose to do things this way?

I don't know.  I have about eight different theories as to what the answer could be, but they are just that... guesses.  In the end, what we take heart in is that the God of the Bible, unlike any other deity ever put forward, took part in our suffering.  Think about that.  God allows evil, allows suffering to exist, but He did not stay up in the heavens and laugh from a distance.  He became man, and took on more suffering than you or I have.  He was tortured on our behalf.  That is loving.  He delved into the pain, and thus proved that pain can exist, and that He is still loving.

 If not God, then what?

This is where most people I have seen fall short.  We don't like what God has chosen to do, so we choose to reject Him.  However, it is very rare to ask the question, then what?  Judaism and Islam both have suffering and a loving God.  You can't get away form that there.  Eastern religions don't have a loving god, usually not a god at all.  There is justice.  Most run to atheism.  Question... if matter is all that is, then what is evil?  The answer is nothing.  Evil is just another chemical reaction.  Your "life" is nothing but matter trying to stay in a certain form.  There is nothing transcendent, nothing eternal about evil.  The shootings in Aurora, Colorado are nothing more than a chemical and physical reaction.  Does that sound better?  Does that comfort you?  Is that freeing?  It is truly awful.  It is the death of anything transcendent, the death of justice.  The death of love.  All is simply chemical.

How do you come to peace with God and evil?

Read the Bible.  If you read the Bible, you will cease to be surprised by evil's existence, as it is everywhere.  You will see that judging God on being hypocritical can only be done by rejecting His own description of Himself.  If you do that then you have to realize that you are getting your ideas of God from somewhere else, and you cannot judge the God of the Bible with the Bible.

Here are two pieces of scripture to leave you with...

Job 7:1-21

1 "Has not man a hard service on earth, and are not his days like the days of a hired hand? 2 Like a slave who longs for the shadow, and like a hired hand who looks for his wages, 3 so I am allotted months of emptiness, and nights of misery are apportioned to me. 4 When I lie down I say, 'When shall I arise?' But the night is long, and I am full of tossing till the dawn. 5 My flesh is clothed with worms and dirt; my skin hardens, then breaks out afresh. 6 My days are swifter than a weaver's shuttle and come to their end without hope. 7 "Remember that my life is a breath; my eye will never again see good. 8 The eye of him who sees me will behold me no more; while your eyes are on me, I shall be gone. 9 As the cloud fades and vanishes, so he who goes down to Sheol does not come up; 10 he returns no more to his house, nor does his place know him anymore. 11 "Therefore I will not restrain my mouth; I will speak in the anguish of my spirit; I will complain in the bitterness of my soul. 12 Am I the sea, or a sea monster, that you set a guard over me? 13 When I say, 'My bed will comfort me, my couch will ease my complaint,' 14 then you scare me with dreams and terrify me with visions, 15 so that I would choose strangling and death rather than my bones. 16 I loathe my life; I would not live forever. Leave me alone, for my days are a breath. 17 What is man, that you make so much of him, and that you set your heart on him, 18 visit him every morning and test him every moment? 19 How long will you not look away from me, nor leave me alone till I swallow my spit? 20 If I sin, what do I do to you, you watcher of mankind? Why have you made me your mark? Why have I become a burden to you? 21 Why do you not pardon my transgression and take away my iniquity? For now I shall lie in the earth; you will seek me, but I shall not be." 

Romans 5:12-18

12 Therefore, just as sin came into the world through one man, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men because all sinned-- 13 for sin indeed was in the world before the law was given, but sin is not counted where there is no law. 14 Yet death reigned from Adam to Moses, even over those whose sinning was not like the transgression of Adam, who was a type of the one who was to come. 15 But the free gift is not like the trespass. For if many died through one man's trespass, much more have the grace of God and the free gift by the grace of that one man Jesus Christ abounded for many. 16 And the free gift is not like the result of that one man's sin. For the judgment following one trespass brought condemnation, but the free gift following many trespasses brought justification. 17 For if, because of one man's trespass, death reigned through that one man, much more will those who receive the abundance of grace and the free gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man Jesus Christ. 18 Therefore, as one trespass led to condemnation for all men, so one act of righteousness leads to justification and life for all men. 


Hopefully this has found you well.  I am not perfect.  I am fallen.  My heart's desire is to share the love of Christ with you.  If I have not done that, then please write me and admonish me. 

Greatness is Hard

Greatness is intrinsically linked to difficulty. Nothing great has ever been wrought from ease and comfort. All stories of lasting greatness, the stories that move our hearts toward love, that transcend, are all stories of overcoming hardship.

Thus, when hardship, evil, oppression rain down upon you, recognize that all hardship is an opportunity for greatness. It may go unrecognized by other people, but God knows. Greatness does not need to be seen to be great. The person who pushes through hardship and still loves, still fights for good, continues in love, has surely achieved something great.

Take heart, and aspire to greatness. Fight. By the grace of God, who is indeed faithful, your life, though hard, can be great.

Key West, Fun, Purpose, and the Matrix...

Nicholas L. Laning

Just a couple of hours ago I did something incredibly uncool.  One day back from family vacation snorkeling the reefs just off the Keys in Florida, I couldn't help myself.  After doing some recon to make sure the pool was empty, or at least close to it, I broke into action.  My contraband was hidden underneath the towel hung gently over my arm.  There, in the middle of my Uptown Dallas apartment pool, I broke out my Darkfins (rubber gloves with webs between the fingers to help you swim faster, and my dive mask, and I swam.  

The differences between snorkeling in my glitzy apartment pool and the ocean were stark.  The water being sans salt meant I couldn't float anymore, and the water that bubbled into the nose part of my mask did not burn.  There was no swaying of the tides.  And, most obviously, there is nothing interesting to look at.  No ethereally painted fish or eels that remind one of some far away planet in a sci-fi movie.  

And yet, despite all of that, I found myself very, very pleased.  My pleasure has nothing to do with my pool or anything outside really.  The truth is, as great as vacations are, there is something incredibly unnatural about them after a while.  It hit me that, while on vacation, you are prone to think of yourself even more than you already do, which is quite a feat for such a self centered lot as we humans.  The name of the game is pleasing yourself.  At first this sounds great, but inside, the more we indulge, something dies.  What dies is purpose and love.  We are not meant to think of only ourselves.  God calls us to love others.  


All day I have been meditating on Corinthians 13.

1 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.  

2 And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.  

3 If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing. 

4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant  

5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;  

6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.  

7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  

8 Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away.  

9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part,  

10 but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. 

11 When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.  

12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.  

13 So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love. 

Don't skip a single line.  Read that and be amazed.  We are nothing without love.  Nothing!  We are to be kind, not arrogant or rude, to have hope, to endure!  What wonderful, incredible words!!!  Amen!!!  So much fun was had on our trip.  I saw things that I will never forget.  It was wonderful.  Yet, I am excited to stop thinking about myself all the time, and get back to the truly great things, and start loving God, and loving people.  I love to travel, and when I have thought about my travelling in the past, I have imagined it as a means of self indulgence most often.  Now, I still long to travel, but as a means to love others, to share things, to connect with those whom are spreading the gospel around the globe.  Hopefully, God will see it fit to allow me to love in this way.  If not, then so be it.  

Something that my brother shared with me really helped me in my seeing this world for what it is.  As we flew back home, he told me this analogy... believing in the Bible, or at least saying you do, and then getting so caught up in the minutia and tedium of this life, is foolish.  Imagine that you have been brought out of the Matrix.  You have been shown that your life in the Matrix is a lie.  You are a slave to this trick.  You decide you are going to fight the machines and bring about truth and freedom.  Then, when you get put back into the Matrix for your mission, instead of remembering your charge, you get caught with the minutia of the life you once had in the Matrix.  None of it ultimately matters in comparison to the truth, yet you are completely absorbed in rearranging your CD collection while the battle rages on.  Now, I am not saying this life is an illusion.  This is an analogy, and all analogies are limited.  This life is incredibly important, but it is not important in and of itself.  It is only truly important in light of eternity.  And yet, we live as if this is it.  That is not Biblical at all.  According to God's word we are to live for that which is eternally good.  That may mean not having everything go your way here and now.  It may mean next to nothing going how you want it to here and now.  It changes our view on money.  Having a ton of it, while comfortable, may be your downfall eternally, a distraction from duty (though not necessarily).  You may end up marrying someone who is not the person who makes you the most happy here and now, but in light of eternity, is the person God chose for you to glorify Him.  You may not be healthy.  You will only get to not experience everyone in your life dying if you die first.  If you believe what the Bible says, if I believe what the Bible says, then our eyes will see world completely differently.  We will be less likely to get caught enjoying what is temporary to the point where we stop fighting for the eternal.  


My hope and prayer is that God would give us fresh eyes to the truth, that we would fight for what is eternal and good.

A Heavenly Lens

Nicholas L. Laning

We sing, "Open the eyes of my heart, Lord," for a reason.  It's because we are blind.  And, no matter how long you've been a Christian, no matter how sanctified you've become, there is always going to be some blindness.  I wish I could say that once the truth is revealed to you that you will never forget it, but that's just not true.

Through the lens of depression, God showed me much.  Through that immense pain I came to a place of release.  I gave God my life.  It had gone so far away from where I wanted it to go, there was no turning back.  There was this beautifully reckless pursuit of God's kingdom and glory.  

However, as I have been healed, my eyes have turned from what is eternal, from what is heavenly, and become more focused on the here and now.  It was impossible to get what I wanted when I was depressed, so just let her rip.  But now?  Now there is the temptation to build my kingdom here.  My eyes have been pulled to the present.  And it has made me miserable!!!

Why?

Because I want to get my way now.  I am staking my claim here, now.  When things don't go my way, when I don't get what I want, I haven't relinquished that to God.  I haven't rested in the peace of knowing He has me.  I know what I want, and either God will give it or He won't, and if not, then I become indignant, ungrateful, bitter, and angry.  That is what my heart has been.  Though I have much, there are things in my life that, if I am to build my kingdom here, to seek for my pleasure here in this life, that are way way off.  If this life is about me, then it is wrong, terribly wrong.

Praise God!  It isn't about me.  Just last night I was laying in bed, unable to sleep.  With a bitter and heavy heart I cried out, "God, help me!  My heart is so bitter, and I don't know why!  Return my heart to one of thankfulness and love.  Please!  My heart is not loving right now, Lord!"  And, faithful as always, where I once couldn't see, all of the sudden I could.  My eyes have stopped looking to eternal things.  They have been focused here, and I was shown just how much that has affected me.

Today has been a new day.  The outside world is the same as yesterday.  The outer problems are still there.  Yet, my heart has been changed.  Today, heaven is on my heart.  I see those things that I wish were different and I just give them to God.  I openly relinquish them, and in doing so all is joy.  Why?  Because it will be redeemed.  Paul's dream wasn't to get pummeled, shipwrecked, imprisoned, afflicted and then some.  Yet, he lived a glorious life, one we should emulate, for the sake of the gospel of Christ!  If I remember correctly, every single one of the twelve disciples died horrible deaths.  Yet, they are called blessed.  

Matthew 20:23-28

23 He said to them, "You will drink my cup, but to sit at my right hand and at my left is not mine to grant, but it is for those for whom it has been prepared by my Father." 

24 And when the ten heard it, they were indignant at the two brothers.  

25 But Jesus called them to him and said, "You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them.  

26 It shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant,  

27 and whoever would be first among you must be your slave,  

28 even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many."

Jesus doesn't deny that people will be honored differently.  He doesn't say, "Hey, once in heaven, who cares?  We're all the same."  He confirms that some will be honored over others.  If you don't know, where someone sat in Jesus' time was all about honor and recognition.  It was a big deal.  And then He goes on to reiterate what He said to me last night.  To be great is not to be powerful, to be recognized here on this Earth.  It is to be a SERVANT, to put yourself at the service of others, to willingly put yourself under them.  Wow!  

That doesn't sound at all like how I have lived my life these last few months.  I have been entitled to the nth degree.   Notice that the honor is to be near Christ in heaven.   Well, by golly, I want to be as close as I can get.  I want to be up there.  I don't want to lose that because I clung to this brief little flash.  Funny thing is, with my new lens of my heart, I am actually happier now, though that is not my goal.  You have to love paradoxes.

My prayer for you and I is that we would not lose what we have in heaven for the sake of this wonderful, yet flawed, and brief moment in eternity we call our current lives.  May our hearts understand what it means to live for Him.  May we be crazy bold with out lives, forsaking all for His kingdom.  May the Holy Spirit show each of us just what that means in our life.  Amen. 

Proximity Matters

This last Saturday, my Nanna (grandmother on my Dad's side) died.  She was ninety-one years old.  It has been an interesting week inside my heart.  I have already expressed much of that, and don't care to rehash.  I would like to talk about something that applies to us all.  It is a discovery.  It is hardly new, but is something that has been refreshed for me. 

Proximity matters.  It makes a difference.  I have tried long and hard to fight this idea.  In my mind, I have tried to hold onto the notion that people you love just dwell inside you, and with that logic, should be able to feel their presence at all times.  This is simply not true. 

Once someone becomes a part of your heart, a part of your being, they are forever embedded into your soul.  They become a piece of you. 

My mistake was in thinking this would make things easier.  I can carry them with me wherever I go.  It is a mistake, at least in part.  Proximity matters.  Now that I think about it, I don't know how it could be any other way.  If I could get the full joy of being near someone by simply placing them in my heart, then I would never need to see them again in order for that piece to remain full.  May it never be. 

I think of every time I ever went to go visit Daddy Jake and Nanna.  When I was with them, I was more alive, more real, more whole.  At first, when we'd leave, I was just sure that this new piece of me would carry on.  I would simply be new.  Usually, I didn't even make it all the way back to New Braunfels from Uvalde before I found myself feeling emptier, more diminished.  After a while I new that would happen, so I would simply dread leaving their presence.  They are a piece of me. 

Tonight we will be driving down late to be in Uvalde for Nanna's (her name is Doris, just thought you might like to know) funeral.  We will be staying in their empty house where so much of me was formed.  All the furniture is gone.  The house is sold actually, just not yet closed.  All that is left is the beds.  I will be saying goodbye to Nanna, and a huge chunk of myself that I will not get back in this lifetime. 

Proximity matters.  People can never leave your heart once they are their, but their lack of physical presence cannot be made up for by affection alone.  Like I said, then we would never need to be near anyone.  One time would be enough. 

No.  We are built to long to be near each other, to need each other, to make each other better.  We are meant to look each other in the eyes, and hear each other's voices, to feel the frequent and gentle touch of each other's hands upon the other's shoulder.  For being near, there is no substitute.

That has been one of my greatest comforts.  Yes, I will never be the same in this life.  A piece of me has died with my friend, my grandmother.  Yet, it is different this time in compared to the death of Daddy Jake.  You see, now they are together again.  only the thought of being near Jesus could be more comforting than the thought of two soul mates reunited in heaven, nothing to keep them apart.  They are no longer old and hurting.  Nanna's broken and bent body is now straight and whole.  She will speak clearly, even sing, and he will be able to hear and treasure every word for the rest of eternity.

Stained-Glass Window in the First United Methodist Church in Uvalde, Texas

Together again, redeemed and renewed.