My Soul at Hazard

“I was sheriff of this county when I was 25 years old. Hard to believe. My grandfather was a lawman. Father too. Me and him was sheriffs at the same time, him up in Plano and me out here. I think he’s pretty proud of that. I know I was.

“Some of the old-time sheriffs never even wore a gun. A lot of folks find that hard to believe. Jim Scarborough never carried one. That’s the younger Jim. Gaston Boykins wouldn’t wear one up in Comanche County.

“I always liked to hear about the old-timers. Never missed a chance to do so. You can’t help but compare yourself against the old-timers. Can’t help but wonder how they’d have operated these times.

“There’s this boy I sent to the electric chair at Huntsville here a while back. My arrest and my testimony. He killed a 14-year-old girl. Paper said it was a crime of passion, but he told me there wasn’t any passion to it. Told me he’d been planning to kill somebody for about as long as he could remember. Said if they turned him out, he’d do it again. Said he knew he was going to hell. Be there in about 15 minutes.

“I don’t know what to make of that. I surely don’t. The crime you see now, it’s hard to even take its measure. It’s not that I’m afraid of it. I always knew you had to be willing to die to even do this job. But I don’t want to push my chips forward and go out and meet something I don’t understand. A man would have to put his soul at hazard. He’d have to say, ‘OK. I’ll be part of this world.’”

—   Sheriff Ed Tom Bell from No Country for Old Men

I’m just going to shoot straight here and tell you that life has been pummeling me as of late.  It’s not just one thing.  It’s a general barrage of first world hardship and disappointment.  Now, when I say first world I’m just giving some global context, not saying that my pain hurts less because of it.  It’s been hard.  Job’s been hard.  People’ve been hard.  And as usual, I've been less than stellar at making things better myself.  It’s just the times for me. 

And I have to say, that because of it my fingers have been slower to flip through the word of God.  Haven’t even wanted to say His name out loud much.

It isn’t that I’m angry.  If anything I am disturbed by how calm I’ve been, how easily I’ve turned over.  No.  It’s fear.  There’s a caution inside me when I start reaching for the Bible, a catch in my mouth for words of praise towards Him.  I’m just so tired of being pummeled that I’m downright scared to shake the hornet’s nest anymore.  I can hear inside me being whispered, “Just keep it to your self.  You can love God.  Just hold it inside you.  The Gospel is great, but let other people share it.  Take a breath.  Focus on getting by.  Don’t put your soul at hazard any longer.”

Each passing day has seen pieces of me flake off out of necessity.  Shed that optimism in order to cope with the disappointment.  Slough off that hope.  It just leads to more pain. 

The whole thing has just about shut me up.  There doesn’t feel to be a whole lot left of me in there.  But… there are some things, some good things, no, great things, things too good, that keep rattling the cage that seems to surround my heart.  They shout inside me, “Wake up!  Fight!” 

So fight I must, for I cannot bear to disappear any further.  Hope must be and grow.  And, my passion to share the gospel will not be curtailed.  Stopping telling people about God?  Might as well die.  What’s the point otherwise?  That’d be like never saying I love you to those you love ever again, and that just isn’t going to happen.  

I'm going to double up and believe it'll be okay, that there is a purpose to this mess.  After all, I was warned by God himself.  Shame on me for ever thinking it was going to be anything other than hard.  God didn't let the cup pass from His own son, Jesus.  Why would I think he'd pass this cup, an infinitely smaller one, from me?

Strength may not be there.  Right now it’s mostly bark, but I’m swinging.  I’m swinging for hope, for a life that’s more than just okay.  This weight need not crush me, nor will it… in Jesus’ name.  I invite anyone who feels moved to do so please pray for me in this, that my heart would not fail, that dreams would not cease, that disappointment would not overrun me.  Like the Psalmist, may I press on in faith, trust, and hope.  I will pray the same for you.

Psalm 84:8-12

8 O LORD God of hosts, hear my prayer; give ear, O God of Jacob! Selah

9 Behold our shield, O God; look on the face of your anointed!

10 For a day in your courts is better than a thousand elsewhere. I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of wickedness.

11 For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly.

12 O LORD of hosts, blessed is the one who trusts in you!

A Heavenly Lens

Nicholas L. Laning

We sing, "Open the eyes of my heart, Lord," for a reason.  It's because we are blind.  And, no matter how long you've been a Christian, no matter how sanctified you've become, there is always going to be some blindness.  I wish I could say that once the truth is revealed to you that you will never forget it, but that's just not true.

Through the lens of depression, God showed me much.  Through that immense pain I came to a place of release.  I gave God my life.  It had gone so far away from where I wanted it to go, there was no turning back.  There was this beautifully reckless pursuit of God's kingdom and glory.  

However, as I have been healed, my eyes have turned from what is eternal, from what is heavenly, and become more focused on the here and now.  It was impossible to get what I wanted when I was depressed, so just let her rip.  But now?  Now there is the temptation to build my kingdom here.  My eyes have been pulled to the present.  And it has made me miserable!!!

Why?

Because I want to get my way now.  I am staking my claim here, now.  When things don't go my way, when I don't get what I want, I haven't relinquished that to God.  I haven't rested in the peace of knowing He has me.  I know what I want, and either God will give it or He won't, and if not, then I become indignant, ungrateful, bitter, and angry.  That is what my heart has been.  Though I have much, there are things in my life that, if I am to build my kingdom here, to seek for my pleasure here in this life, that are way way off.  If this life is about me, then it is wrong, terribly wrong.

Praise God!  It isn't about me.  Just last night I was laying in bed, unable to sleep.  With a bitter and heavy heart I cried out, "God, help me!  My heart is so bitter, and I don't know why!  Return my heart to one of thankfulness and love.  Please!  My heart is not loving right now, Lord!"  And, faithful as always, where I once couldn't see, all of the sudden I could.  My eyes have stopped looking to eternal things.  They have been focused here, and I was shown just how much that has affected me.

Today has been a new day.  The outside world is the same as yesterday.  The outer problems are still there.  Yet, my heart has been changed.  Today, heaven is on my heart.  I see those things that I wish were different and I just give them to God.  I openly relinquish them, and in doing so all is joy.  Why?  Because it will be redeemed.  Paul's dream wasn't to get pummeled, shipwrecked, imprisoned, afflicted and then some.  Yet, he lived a glorious life, one we should emulate, for the sake of the gospel of Christ!  If I remember correctly, every single one of the twelve disciples died horrible deaths.  Yet, they are called blessed.  

Matthew 20:23-28

23 He said to them, "You will drink my cup, but to sit at my right hand and at my left is not mine to grant, but it is for those for whom it has been prepared by my Father." 

24 And when the ten heard it, they were indignant at the two brothers.  

25 But Jesus called them to him and said, "You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them.  

26 It shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant,  

27 and whoever would be first among you must be your slave,  

28 even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many."

Jesus doesn't deny that people will be honored differently.  He doesn't say, "Hey, once in heaven, who cares?  We're all the same."  He confirms that some will be honored over others.  If you don't know, where someone sat in Jesus' time was all about honor and recognition.  It was a big deal.  And then He goes on to reiterate what He said to me last night.  To be great is not to be powerful, to be recognized here on this Earth.  It is to be a SERVANT, to put yourself at the service of others, to willingly put yourself under them.  Wow!  

That doesn't sound at all like how I have lived my life these last few months.  I have been entitled to the nth degree.   Notice that the honor is to be near Christ in heaven.   Well, by golly, I want to be as close as I can get.  I want to be up there.  I don't want to lose that because I clung to this brief little flash.  Funny thing is, with my new lens of my heart, I am actually happier now, though that is not my goal.  You have to love paradoxes.

My prayer for you and I is that we would not lose what we have in heaven for the sake of this wonderful, yet flawed, and brief moment in eternity we call our current lives.  May our hearts understand what it means to live for Him.  May we be crazy bold with out lives, forsaking all for His kingdom.  May the Holy Spirit show each of us just what that means in our life.  Amen. 

Someone posted Matthew 26:41 today as their status, and it rally spoke to me anew.  It says that we should watch and pray that we would not enter into temptation.  That the spirit is indeed willing, but that the flesh is weak.


Perhaps it is that there are so many nuances that you just are going to forget some things.  They are present in your brain for a while, and they shrink until you do something that reminds you.  The truth smacks you in heart.  Lately, in battles, I have been all too quick to forget that there is an enemy.  Sometimes, I just focus on me, fighting my flesh alone and my desire.  What am I doing is not focusing on the battle that is being waged.  I am not realizing it.  This might not sound big, but it is.  It is huge, because, if there is just us, then we are battling our desires.  With Satan, then we are battling against someone else's desires too.  Satan wants us with him, miserable and condemned.  So, we can always know that what he sends our way is not FOR us!  So often I will wonder why I so badly crave something I know to be evil when I didn't just a day earlier.  A bout of arrogance will kick in, or lust, or pride, and the lies start coming, "These things will make you happy.  Succumb to them."  They won't.  The truth will set you free, and the truth is that what God wants for us is best.  Half of the things I crave in a day I hate.  My spirit groans for redemption.  I have experienced pieces of this in my life, and there is no comparison.  Nothing is brighter.  God has used people to move me and show me things I never saw before.  I can never turn back, or, if I did, I would now be committing an even greater crime than before.  I have felt His presence.  Through a Lens I have seen so much.  For those moments, when God's and my heart were most aligned, I was never happier, more fulfilled, more true, more real.  This memory haunts me, and for the best.


Today I was listening to Tim Keller speak about absolutism.  Part of the sermon was about people's misunderstandings of freedom.  For one, freedom plays off freedom. For example, when you love someone, there is a freedom to be intimate, and to reveal your heart in a new way, but in turn you give up much other freedom.  You limit yourself to that person.  We have all chosen to be a part of society that has taken away our freedom to murder in order that we might enjoy the freedom that comes from the piece of mind of not fearing being murdered.  You cannot be totally free in the way that people make it sound you can.  Even God is not free totally.  He cannot go against Himself.  He cannot lie.  He is holy.


Well, those are just some thoughts.  I don't know what value they have.  I hope my heart is heard in all of it.  Sometimes I worry I am just sounding like a talking head.  Perhaps I talk too much.  It is just my desire to do something, to help, but perhaps I am missing the mark.  May it never be.  I hope you can hear my heart in it.


I was listening to this song earlier today.  Actually, I was listening to a remix of the song, one of the few that I enjoy.  Usually remixes are not good.  I have had it replaying in my mind.  It isn't where my heart is now, but conjured up some very powerful memories from a winter a few years ago when I was up in Colorado with my family.  One of the loneliest times in my life.  So thankful for those moments though.  They bring out the change that has come to pass and make me ever thankful and hopeful for the future.  


Kings of Convenience
"The Weight of My Words"


The original:
http://grooveshark.com/s/The+Weight+Of+My+Words/2wrddj?src=5


The remix:
http://grooveshark.com/s/The+Weight+Of+My+Words+four+Tet+Remix+/2AL0ci?src=5

There are very many things 
I would like to say to you, 
But i've lost my way 
And I've lost my words. 
There are very many places 
I would like to go 
But I can't find the key 
To open my door. 
The weight of my words- 
You can't feel it anymore. 
The weight of my words- 
You can't feel it anymore.