Where Have I Been?

Last night I sat on the patio in my brother-in-law’s back yard.  The Mississippi pines swayed broad and hushed loud, pushed about by a rare, southern wind.  Small patches of black sky hovered above the tall, swaying canopy above me.  The smell of pine needles flew strong about the air.  It was a beautiful moment.  

The moment dug deep inside me, past myself, to that deepest part.  I thought of my Daddy Jake again.  I imagined how many breezes he had felt.  I imagined my Nanna standing beneath a slightly younger sun, it’s warmth caressing her tiny face and hands.  The people kept coming.  It wasn’t faces I saw, it was as if I embodied them for a moment, if but in my dreams, or perhaps it is the way around.  Whichever way it goes, there are people so a part of us, and us them, that we take them everywhere.  Everywhere I go, those people in my heart are also.  Nothing is experienced without them.  Everything is shared with them.

Yet, until last night, I had never stopped to wonder about where I have been carried.  What smells, sounds, or sights have conjured me inside someone else, reminded them of me, or made them feel my presence, though I am far away?  Perhaps it is in the swelling of an orchestra, or the sight of home, or perhaps even someplace new, and the overwhelming desire to show and share such a place with me is what swells inside.  Where have I been?  Where have the hearts of others taken me?  And, where will I go? 

Most of all, I wonder…

In whose hearts am I being carried?

NOT AN ISLAND AT ALL 


1Kings 11:1-7

1 Now King Solomon loved many foreign women, along with the daughter of Pharaoh: Moabite, Ammonite, Edomite, Sidonian, and Hittite women, 

2 from the nations concerning which the LORD had said to the people of Israel, "You shall not enter into marriage with them, neither shall they with you, for surely they will turn away your heart after their gods." Solomon clung to these in love.  

3 He had 700 wives, princesses, and 300 concubines. And his wives turned away his heart.  

4 For when Solomon was old his wives turned away his heart after other gods, and his heart was not wholly true to the LORD his God, as was the heart of David his father.  [emphasis mine]

5 For Solomon went after Ashtoreth the goddess of the Sidonians, and after Milcom the abomination of the Ammonites.  

6 So Solomon did what was evil in the sight of the LORD and did not wholly follow the LORD, as David his father had done.  

7 Then Solomon built a high place for Chemosh the abomination of Moab, and for Molech the abomination of the Ammonites, on the mountain east of Jerusalem. 8 And so he did for all his foreign wives, who made offerings and sacrificed to their gods. 

Nicholas L. Laning

 Home.  After a month at the ranch, I am back in Dallas.  It has been good to be back.  I love the ranch.  I love hunting.  But, as I have written, my heart has fallen a bit.  Whether or not it has or has not actually been close to God, I don't know.  What I can say is that it has been cold in my heart.  My honest assessment is that I was struggling, that there was distance at heart, and it was rough.  Brutally rough.  

A few days ago, providence had me flip through the book of Kings, a book in the Bible we all frequent (shakes head).  The above passage is where I landed.  Several things stood out to me in the passage at first.  None of them do I care to share now.  Doing so would only distract.  Perhaps another time.  The heart change came days later, yesterday to be exact.  The passage had not left my heart and mind, but had been saturating it.  

You see, my belief had been this... that as I matured in my faith, in intimacy with the Father, I would become more and more impenetrable, unflappable, and, to an extent, I was right, as we do grow stronger.  But, the extent I took it to was to believe that my surroundings, the company I kept, the events that took place, would matter less, maybe even not at all.  I had thought that if I fell, struggled, it would be from the inside, period.  Yet, God doesn't work  that way.

How foolish of me.  Look above.  Don't skip the verses, read them.  Solomon was a man of God, so much so, that God came to Him and offered Him anything.  Solomon asked for wisdom, and God granted it.  So, here's this great man of God, who builds the temple, and his heart is turned away by outside forces.  In this case, it was the taking of foreign wives!  Solomon began to divide his worship.  

Idiot I am!  Of course, the outside world affects us heavily.  This may seem obvious and stupid to you.  If so, you are wiser than I, for I just got it, thank God for such mercy.  I have ever been effected by those around me, by the company I keep, by their speech and actions.  Heck, the weather affects me.  I come alive when it is cloudy and stormy and cool.  The drought drained me.  People are even more crucial.  My main love language is quality time.  If people are too busy for me, or if I am alone for a long time, I begin to fade.  You might not even be able to tell from the outside, but I am.  

Why this lie ensnares me so, only God knows.  Yet, He is also faithful to sanctify me through it every day.  Wisdom and maturation is becoming impenetrable, it is knowing you're not, and knowing how hard you push before needing to retreat back and be around those who strengthen you, whom you strengthen back.

My mother, in her wisdom, shared something with me I had never realized.  It is that the disciples were a benefit to Jesus.  We always (well, from what I have observed) think of the benefit as being only for the disciples.  Surely they gained much more.  To be near Jesus!   Unreal.  Yet, Jesus, being a man, would minister and pour out.  Then, He would retreat back and pray and fellowship with His disciples.  He enjoyed them!  He loved their company!  It was a benefit to Him! 

How much more do we need to be mindful of our surroundings, of our fellowship?  One day back, one day around my precious wife, around my sister, my brother, just knowing my church is just down the road, and indeed my church family, has rejuvenated me.  I only pray that I will never forget this, that my heart and mind would both keep fresh the wisdom learned.  I am not an island.  Indeed, God has used the sight of a mountain, the falling of snow, the warmth of the sun, the hug of my brother, the words of a dear friend... they have all changed me.  They have all been hammers in God's hand to smash my heart of stone into something soft, something capable of being molded for His glory, for intimacy with Him.  For that I am forever thankful.


To God be all glory.  He is surely faithful and good.  May His will be done.  May His hand be heavy upon your heart and mine, pleasant or not.  May we recognize those we need to be near, who make us batter, and know when to venture out and be bold as well.  May the Hold Spirit be active in our hearts and minds.  May we be ever thankful, never judgmental or angry, and quick to forgive.  May my grandmother's results come back clean from the doctor, that everything will be well in her body.  Amen.

Warning Sign

 

"And the truth is... I miss you so."

Nicholas L. Laning

Some of the greatest lyrics aren't fancy, they are plain.   They say what people are feeling in ordinary language.  The line above speaks to all of us.  We all miss something, someone, somewhere.  What we miss helps define us.  Just yesterday, I started coming out of a week long drought of the heart (possible sequel to "Total Eclipse of the Heart"?  No.  No one.  Oh okay.  That's cool I just...), and it has been awful.  I have missed being able to feel the presence of God. As I was missing Him, I thought about how God has made us to want Him, to need Him, even if we only know this subconsciously.  

I questioned why He would do that.  At first, my sinful heart thought it petty and cruel to make us need Him.  It seemed odd.  Not but thirty seconds later it dawned on me that us needing God is what makes Christianity different.  We don't follow a system.  We follow and adore a being.  

As a being myself, do I not long to be missed?  Do I not long to want people to be near me?  Surely I do.  I can think of almost nothing more terrible than to have no one in the world that longs to be near me, that treasures me, that is better off when they are near me.  I also long to want to be near people.  I don't want to need everyone the same.  It is the narrowness of my affection that makes giving it so great, what makes it precious.  And so the Holy Spirit has been faithfully and gingerly ministering to me, forgiving me of my own faithlessness and self aggrandizement, freely giving wisdom to see the lies, and faithful to give me courage in the face of lies head on with truth, to obey in trust.

I ask you, do you miss God?  If not, then why?  Do you feel Him unnecessary?  Cruel?  Apathetic?  Without Him, what do you cling to?  Can you live without Him and still find the ultimate purpose you know you need?  Can you still find justice?  

Matthew 22:37 ESV

And he said to him, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind."

May you know God, that you would miss Him.  May you miss Him deeply, more and more each day.  May He be gracious to you, allowing your heart to see that He is good.  May you and I be granted humility, never raising ourselves up, but letting God elevate according to His grace.  May we be instruments of hope and peace throughout the world.  May those who see us, see bits of Him, and yearn for it.  May we bit lit from the inside, and never lose sight of the enemy, never lose courage, and never lose hope in Christ Jesus.  He is surely good.  He is marvelous.  He is gracious.  My heart is thankful for Him, and for you.  He is surely great.  Amen.