You Know What Assuming Does Don't You?

The memory of Ms. Bronk teaching us the true meaning of the word assume is one of the most vivid I have of high school.  I can see her standing on that podium at the front of the band hall.  Someone had, foolishly, used assumption as an excuse for why they hadn’t done something.  Ms. Bronk asked if we knew what assuming did.  Either none of us really knew, or we could tell by the expression on her face that answering would only draw her frustrated gaze upon on us.   A couple of seconds passed before she broke the silence.  “No?  Well, let me show you.”  The chalk clicked and clacked against the shuttering blackboard behind her as she swiftly wrote out the word “ASSUME” in all upper case.   She continued, “Assuming makes a…”  BOOM, her hands covered all but the letters ASS.  “…out of…”  BOOM.  Then they covered all but the U in the middle.  “…and…”  SHHHH she slid her hands over to reveal on the the letters ME.  It took me a second to say it altogether.  To assume makes an ASS out of U and ME.  I wasn’t the only one that took time.  The delayed collective chuckle said as much. 

Assuming is a dangerous action.  Not only does it make and ass out of you and me; it also usually hurts you and me.  Assumption’s sting is always profound on the back end once we’ve been shown the consequences.  Assumption’s acerbic bight comes from the knowledge that with just the slightest bit of inquiry, if we had only kept an open mind, a dash of humility even, we might not be reaping the current drama our assuming had sewn.  We think, “All I had to do was ask… or seek a little more.” 

Now, assumption isn’t filling in the blank.  I’m a writer, a storyteller.  My mind fills in blanks.  Watch Castle.  His storytelling mind helps fill in those blanks the cops can’t, and that’s why New York is a safer place, people.  No, I don’t think we can help hearing news like, “Hey, did you hear that Sally left Johnny?” without having out minds instinctually fill in the blanks.  Why?  Was he abusive?  Were they that unhappy?  Was there another man?  All of this happens in the blink of an eye. 

Assumption is when we take those fleeting thoughts and actually believe them.  You don’t know Jack, and until you do, you should act like it.  Have the humility to admit you don’t know.  Hard part is that our beliefs are rarely spoken.  Right?  Us and our American passive-aggressiveness.  It’s in our non-verbal language we let people know what we really think, while our mouths flap out something sweet.  That southern influence lingers. 

Example: being left by my wife brought out all sorts of assumptions, and almost none of them were spoken to my face.  People talk.  I’d have a friend come up and tell me they heard about me being left and they’d begin to tell me how they heard I was “this awful thing” or that I was “terrible in this way or that.”  My eyes would widen, and I’d try to calmly explain what ACTUALLY happened.  Then their eyes would bulge as they’d realize they had just spread a… yup… assumption.  Somewhere along the way, someone who knew nothing talked to someone as if they knew something, and voila… two asses were born, and in the end I was deeply hurt, and my reputation was scarred.  It hurt greatly knowing that people were going to assume I had to do something terrible if my wife left me, that I must be awful, that something must really be wrong with me.  There are things wrong with me, but in truth, nothing out of the ordinary for a human.  Another assumption made about me would be revealed when I would first tell someone about my being left and being divorced and their faces would look not sad but grim, disgusted even.  When it was their turn to speak they would share how they were disappointed in me, that they thought I loved God, how dare I that I would go through with a divorce.  They’d start spouting scripture on how God hates divorce, and blah blah blah.  Again, their faces would change when I was able to share that they held an assumption that many people hold, and that is that it takes two to get divorced.  It doesn’t.  If someone wants out, the state of Texas will let them out.  They didn’t even check.  They just… assumed that it took two, and so held in their minds false information about me. 

Sad truth is that it happens a lot, particularly in divorce.  So many people who have gone through what I have shared the same experience.  People judged them based off of nothing.  There was a blank in the narrative and they filled it.  Thing is, that blank is there because it’s not your business.  Not everything is meant for public consumption. 

It is in humility and patience we find the maturity to say to ourselves, “I don’t know what happened, and I am okay with that.”  Then, when someone asks if you’ve heard about how Johnny left Sally you can say yes.  You’ll start talking about how sad it is, how you wonder what happened, and here is where victory is had… at this moment you’ll already have admitted you don’t know, and that’s what you’ll say.  “I don’t know.  Could be a lot of different reasons.”  And you leave it what it is.  Then when they say what they think, you can ask them where they got their information.  You won’t just take it as gospel, because for all you know they are falling into the same trap of filling in blanks, of assuming.  When they say they just think so, or they pieced it together because of blah blah blah you can just say, “So, you don’t actually know?”  When they admit they don’t you will have loved your brother or sister well.  Not only will you have protected the one being gossiped about, but you’ll be blessing the one gossiping by ending the line of destruction their assumption was blazing.   Your thoughts hold value in your brother’s and sister’s eyes.  I cannot tell you the damage done hearing the third hand assumptions made about me during this past year.  It broke my heart, and made me feel sub-human.  To say that I did not feel loved was an understatement. 

Don’t be an ass (the donkey-kind, not the other).  Don’t assume.  Love your brother and sister.  Assumption is judgment based on ignorance.  We condemn someone based off of guesses.  How could that ever be a good thing? 

Proverbs 16:28

“A perverse man stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends.”

Proverbs 26:20

“Without wood a fire goes out; without gossip a quarrel dies down.”

How Being Judged Hurts

A lot of people think that John 3:16 is the most ubiquitous and well-known verse in the Bible.  I disagree.   It may be the most well-known Bible reference, but in spirit I believe there is one that is far more ingrained in the minds of mankind.   

Check this out…

Matthew 7:1 “Judge not, that you be not judged” ESV

Every human knows this.  Heck, dogs probably know this.  We just can’t hear them in their minds saying, “Don’t judge me, okay.  The cat did it.  Okay?  You don’t know me.  Don’t act like you know me.”  If an atheist knows ONE verse it is this one.  It is everyone’s way of saying, “How dare you point out my sin to me!”  

There are two Biblical definitions of the word, judge.  One is to discern.  The other is to condemn.

We know that we are supposed to admonish one another, that discernment is good.  We will know one another by our fruit.  Yes?  The idea that Jesus was saying, “Don’t see other people’s sin ever.  If someone is stealing something, just let it go.  If your loved one is showing destructive patterns, how dare you admonish them.  How dare you reveal what you see that they might stop.”  We all deep down know this.  None of us live out the opposite either.  We all say something when we see our loved one about to put their hand into the fire.  We all say, “Stop!”   To let that person touch the fire unwarned is not even remotely loving.  No one let’s their kid wonder into the street for fear of judgment, nor allows their kid to keep lying.  Both are very dangerous, and to leave it to that person to just figure it out is silly, and no one does that.  We all share what we’ve learned, and discernment is part of that.

So what is the issue if it isn’t discernment? 

Condemnation. 

One of the greatest pieces of wisdom outside the Bible I’ve ever read was on the difference between condemnation and conviction.  Both sting at first.  Being told we are wrong ALWAYS hurts.  It is a practiced skill and sign of maturity to get better at hearing that you are wrong.  The difference is that conviction always promises life, and there is a sweetness behind it.  It is about freedom.  There is now therefore no condemnation in Christ Jesus.  We are free.  However, sin hurts, and we need to be shown from time to time that we are hurting ourselves.  On the other hand, condemnation brings about death.  It keeps us trapped in our sin, focused on the past.  It is a tool of satan.

Until this last year, I had never really felt the sting of condemnation so heavily, nor seen how destructive it can be.  It makes since to me now as I read that the number one reason for the rise of the “Nones,” those no longer affiliated with any church, is judgment.  I don’t think I ever really saw that judgment goes beyond words.  It isn’t just proclaiming, “You are going to hell.”  It is a posture of the heart and spirit, one that overflows into our actions.

A year ago my wife left me.  I have no desire to go into detail.  I have worked hard to preserve a relationship of some kind, however trivial, with my ex-wife.  All I care to say is that I did not deserve to be left.  She had no Biblical right to leave me.  I did not want her to leave.  I did not want to be divorced.  Beyond that, I am not going to say much.   

Since then, I have experienced a whole new side to the church I have never before known.  Note that when I say church, I mean the church greater, the body of believers, not one church in specific.  What I have experienced is judgment, and hear this, it has hurt me worse than I can possibly admit.  There just are not words. 

As I said, I have learned much about judgment.  Let me go back to what condemnation is versus discernment.  The main element of condemnation is not speaking words to people.  That is the overflow.  It is in the heart.  In order to judge someone in the verb sense you must first become a judge the noun.  In order to become a judge you are placing yourself as a dispenser of the law.  Think about that.  It is an act of self-elevation.  One doesn’t have to elevate to be a part of admonishing and conviction.  Who better than a former thief, or someone who still even battles the desire to steal to tell see the pattern in another thief and say, "Don't do it.  I know.  This road only leads to pain."  Is not the lustful man or woman the most qualified to warn of the false promises lust brings?  It surely is. Notice that the fellow criminal is still aware of the law.  There is an acute awareness, a discernment, of the law and can see when someone else is breaking it, and still warns to obey it.  I say that to again show that discernment and admonishment are not bad.

I want you to think about this...  Being judged, condemned, has given satan so much power for lies in my heart it is amazing.  I have never felt so useless, so unloved, or so dirty in my life, and I wasn’t even the one who left.  I was wronged, and yet I have been made to feel like dirt, like I am not pure, not true, not a real Christian anymore.  I have become a second-class Christian.   

Ultimately, that feeling is my own fault.  No one controls my heart.  These are lies that I have believed.  That is on me.  I should have been stronger, more faithful.  How many times has the Holy Spirit reminded me that Jesus was an outcast by the religious institutions of the day?  Many.   

Yet, I have struggled like never before, and in doing so I now see the power of condemnation.  If I, someone who has devoted their life to Christ, has struggled so mightily under the burden of condemnation from the church then what effect does it have on someone just peeking through the door?  We already know the answer.  Unfortunately, sometimes you just have to experience something to really understand it.  I never understood how I could condemn people with my actions, with my looks, with my posture.  I never saw how my feeling like I was better than someone would pervade through my mask and show in a hundred little ways, or come back around through gossip.  How many times have I heard mean things said about me by my brothers and sisters in Christ.  Even an amplified sense of pity can be a part of it. 

I realize there are a ton of trails and loose ends to be discussed in this.  For now, I just want you to meditate on the devastation a spirit of condemnation has.  Even though I have suffered it’s burden, I still struggle to not think myself better than others, to go beyond lovingly and gently calling someone out, and instead wreak havoc upon them, making them feel awful and unloved.  Perhaps that is the key.  Perhaps we forget that Jesus loved us BEFORE we were clean, BEFORE we loved Him.  Yes?  Maybe?  We too ought to love others BEFORE they become clean, as we are not clean either, really, not in action.  That is the beauty of the gospel, to be seen as clean when we are not.  God takes those weights and measurements of judgment and tosses them away. 

The counteraction to this has been the redemptive, the restorative, the understanding love of so many others.  It has been through the tenderness of those who have not condemned (but have sometimes admonished).  They gave counsel.  They hurt with me.  They reminded me that I am not somehow less of a person, that divorce is not a super sin, that it doesn’t define me.  I may be someone has been divorced, but that doesn’t make my definition the divorced guy.  It is not my label for life.  I am the redeemed guy, the Christian, the mess of a man made Holy only by grace, the guy that keeps screwing up and keeps getting taken care of by Jesus anyway.  

They helped me move past my own condemnation of myself.  It is amazing how when people start to treat you a certain way you struggle not to feel that way.  It is through the guidance of others I am reminded that I did not do wrong.  I didn’t leave, that you can’t make someone else obey, or love you.  I have been reminded constantly that good parents have children go astray, good spouses get left, and good people suffer.  Job was innocent yet suffered.  I remember Tim Skaggs, senior pastor at Coggin Avenue Baptist in Brownwood reminding me that Jesus stood outside of Jerusalem and wept because he had called them to Him and they would not come, that if Jesus couldn’t make them come how could I believe I could make Kathleen come to me?  I couldn’t.  We as the church can help or hinder so much.   

My prayer is that we can all see ourselves as we are, sinners redeemed by God.  May we not condemn.  May we not remember we are fellow criminals all coming together in praise of the fact that the actual judge decided to let us go free despite our criminal action.  May we not make a mockery of the court, and as criminals, climb into that judges chair, grab the gavel, and start waiving at the other criminals just like us, lest we be held in contempt of court.  All glory be to God.  Amen.

My Soul at Hazard

“I was sheriff of this county when I was 25 years old. Hard to believe. My grandfather was a lawman. Father too. Me and him was sheriffs at the same time, him up in Plano and me out here. I think he’s pretty proud of that. I know I was.

“Some of the old-time sheriffs never even wore a gun. A lot of folks find that hard to believe. Jim Scarborough never carried one. That’s the younger Jim. Gaston Boykins wouldn’t wear one up in Comanche County.

“I always liked to hear about the old-timers. Never missed a chance to do so. You can’t help but compare yourself against the old-timers. Can’t help but wonder how they’d have operated these times.

“There’s this boy I sent to the electric chair at Huntsville here a while back. My arrest and my testimony. He killed a 14-year-old girl. Paper said it was a crime of passion, but he told me there wasn’t any passion to it. Told me he’d been planning to kill somebody for about as long as he could remember. Said if they turned him out, he’d do it again. Said he knew he was going to hell. Be there in about 15 minutes.

“I don’t know what to make of that. I surely don’t. The crime you see now, it’s hard to even take its measure. It’s not that I’m afraid of it. I always knew you had to be willing to die to even do this job. But I don’t want to push my chips forward and go out and meet something I don’t understand. A man would have to put his soul at hazard. He’d have to say, ‘OK. I’ll be part of this world.’”

—   Sheriff Ed Tom Bell from No Country for Old Men

I’m just going to shoot straight here and tell you that life has been pummeling me as of late.  It’s not just one thing.  It’s a general barrage of first world hardship and disappointment.  Now, when I say first world I’m just giving some global context, not saying that my pain hurts less because of it.  It’s been hard.  Job’s been hard.  People’ve been hard.  And as usual, I've been less than stellar at making things better myself.  It’s just the times for me. 

And I have to say, that because of it my fingers have been slower to flip through the word of God.  Haven’t even wanted to say His name out loud much.

It isn’t that I’m angry.  If anything I am disturbed by how calm I’ve been, how easily I’ve turned over.  No.  It’s fear.  There’s a caution inside me when I start reaching for the Bible, a catch in my mouth for words of praise towards Him.  I’m just so tired of being pummeled that I’m downright scared to shake the hornet’s nest anymore.  I can hear inside me being whispered, “Just keep it to your self.  You can love God.  Just hold it inside you.  The Gospel is great, but let other people share it.  Take a breath.  Focus on getting by.  Don’t put your soul at hazard any longer.”

Each passing day has seen pieces of me flake off out of necessity.  Shed that optimism in order to cope with the disappointment.  Slough off that hope.  It just leads to more pain. 

The whole thing has just about shut me up.  There doesn’t feel to be a whole lot left of me in there.  But… there are some things, some good things, no, great things, things too good, that keep rattling the cage that seems to surround my heart.  They shout inside me, “Wake up!  Fight!” 

So fight I must, for I cannot bear to disappear any further.  Hope must be and grow.  And, my passion to share the gospel will not be curtailed.  Stopping telling people about God?  Might as well die.  What’s the point otherwise?  That’d be like never saying I love you to those you love ever again, and that just isn’t going to happen.  

I'm going to double up and believe it'll be okay, that there is a purpose to this mess.  After all, I was warned by God himself.  Shame on me for ever thinking it was going to be anything other than hard.  God didn't let the cup pass from His own son, Jesus.  Why would I think he'd pass this cup, an infinitely smaller one, from me?

Strength may not be there.  Right now it’s mostly bark, but I’m swinging.  I’m swinging for hope, for a life that’s more than just okay.  This weight need not crush me, nor will it… in Jesus’ name.  I invite anyone who feels moved to do so please pray for me in this, that my heart would not fail, that dreams would not cease, that disappointment would not overrun me.  Like the Psalmist, may I press on in faith, trust, and hope.  I will pray the same for you.

Psalm 84:8-12

8 O LORD God of hosts, hear my prayer; give ear, O God of Jacob! Selah

9 Behold our shield, O God; look on the face of your anointed!

10 For a day in your courts is better than a thousand elsewhere. I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of wickedness.

11 For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly.

12 O LORD of hosts, blessed is the one who trusts in you!

Key West, Fun, Purpose, and the Matrix...

Nicholas L. Laning

Just a couple of hours ago I did something incredibly uncool.  One day back from family vacation snorkeling the reefs just off the Keys in Florida, I couldn't help myself.  After doing some recon to make sure the pool was empty, or at least close to it, I broke into action.  My contraband was hidden underneath the towel hung gently over my arm.  There, in the middle of my Uptown Dallas apartment pool, I broke out my Darkfins (rubber gloves with webs between the fingers to help you swim faster, and my dive mask, and I swam.  

The differences between snorkeling in my glitzy apartment pool and the ocean were stark.  The water being sans salt meant I couldn't float anymore, and the water that bubbled into the nose part of my mask did not burn.  There was no swaying of the tides.  And, most obviously, there is nothing interesting to look at.  No ethereally painted fish or eels that remind one of some far away planet in a sci-fi movie.  

And yet, despite all of that, I found myself very, very pleased.  My pleasure has nothing to do with my pool or anything outside really.  The truth is, as great as vacations are, there is something incredibly unnatural about them after a while.  It hit me that, while on vacation, you are prone to think of yourself even more than you already do, which is quite a feat for such a self centered lot as we humans.  The name of the game is pleasing yourself.  At first this sounds great, but inside, the more we indulge, something dies.  What dies is purpose and love.  We are not meant to think of only ourselves.  God calls us to love others.  


All day I have been meditating on Corinthians 13.

1 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.  

2 And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.  

3 If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing. 

4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant  

5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;  

6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.  

7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  

8 Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away.  

9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part,  

10 but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. 

11 When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.  

12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.  

13 So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love. 

Don't skip a single line.  Read that and be amazed.  We are nothing without love.  Nothing!  We are to be kind, not arrogant or rude, to have hope, to endure!  What wonderful, incredible words!!!  Amen!!!  So much fun was had on our trip.  I saw things that I will never forget.  It was wonderful.  Yet, I am excited to stop thinking about myself all the time, and get back to the truly great things, and start loving God, and loving people.  I love to travel, and when I have thought about my travelling in the past, I have imagined it as a means of self indulgence most often.  Now, I still long to travel, but as a means to love others, to share things, to connect with those whom are spreading the gospel around the globe.  Hopefully, God will see it fit to allow me to love in this way.  If not, then so be it.  

Something that my brother shared with me really helped me in my seeing this world for what it is.  As we flew back home, he told me this analogy... believing in the Bible, or at least saying you do, and then getting so caught up in the minutia and tedium of this life, is foolish.  Imagine that you have been brought out of the Matrix.  You have been shown that your life in the Matrix is a lie.  You are a slave to this trick.  You decide you are going to fight the machines and bring about truth and freedom.  Then, when you get put back into the Matrix for your mission, instead of remembering your charge, you get caught with the minutia of the life you once had in the Matrix.  None of it ultimately matters in comparison to the truth, yet you are completely absorbed in rearranging your CD collection while the battle rages on.  Now, I am not saying this life is an illusion.  This is an analogy, and all analogies are limited.  This life is incredibly important, but it is not important in and of itself.  It is only truly important in light of eternity.  And yet, we live as if this is it.  That is not Biblical at all.  According to God's word we are to live for that which is eternally good.  That may mean not having everything go your way here and now.  It may mean next to nothing going how you want it to here and now.  It changes our view on money.  Having a ton of it, while comfortable, may be your downfall eternally, a distraction from duty (though not necessarily).  You may end up marrying someone who is not the person who makes you the most happy here and now, but in light of eternity, is the person God chose for you to glorify Him.  You may not be healthy.  You will only get to not experience everyone in your life dying if you die first.  If you believe what the Bible says, if I believe what the Bible says, then our eyes will see world completely differently.  We will be less likely to get caught enjoying what is temporary to the point where we stop fighting for the eternal.  


My hope and prayer is that God would give us fresh eyes to the truth, that we would fight for what is eternal and good.

A Heavenly Lens

Nicholas L. Laning

We sing, "Open the eyes of my heart, Lord," for a reason.  It's because we are blind.  And, no matter how long you've been a Christian, no matter how sanctified you've become, there is always going to be some blindness.  I wish I could say that once the truth is revealed to you that you will never forget it, but that's just not true.

Through the lens of depression, God showed me much.  Through that immense pain I came to a place of release.  I gave God my life.  It had gone so far away from where I wanted it to go, there was no turning back.  There was this beautifully reckless pursuit of God's kingdom and glory.  

However, as I have been healed, my eyes have turned from what is eternal, from what is heavenly, and become more focused on the here and now.  It was impossible to get what I wanted when I was depressed, so just let her rip.  But now?  Now there is the temptation to build my kingdom here.  My eyes have been pulled to the present.  And it has made me miserable!!!

Why?

Because I want to get my way now.  I am staking my claim here, now.  When things don't go my way, when I don't get what I want, I haven't relinquished that to God.  I haven't rested in the peace of knowing He has me.  I know what I want, and either God will give it or He won't, and if not, then I become indignant, ungrateful, bitter, and angry.  That is what my heart has been.  Though I have much, there are things in my life that, if I am to build my kingdom here, to seek for my pleasure here in this life, that are way way off.  If this life is about me, then it is wrong, terribly wrong.

Praise God!  It isn't about me.  Just last night I was laying in bed, unable to sleep.  With a bitter and heavy heart I cried out, "God, help me!  My heart is so bitter, and I don't know why!  Return my heart to one of thankfulness and love.  Please!  My heart is not loving right now, Lord!"  And, faithful as always, where I once couldn't see, all of the sudden I could.  My eyes have stopped looking to eternal things.  They have been focused here, and I was shown just how much that has affected me.

Today has been a new day.  The outside world is the same as yesterday.  The outer problems are still there.  Yet, my heart has been changed.  Today, heaven is on my heart.  I see those things that I wish were different and I just give them to God.  I openly relinquish them, and in doing so all is joy.  Why?  Because it will be redeemed.  Paul's dream wasn't to get pummeled, shipwrecked, imprisoned, afflicted and then some.  Yet, he lived a glorious life, one we should emulate, for the sake of the gospel of Christ!  If I remember correctly, every single one of the twelve disciples died horrible deaths.  Yet, they are called blessed.  

Matthew 20:23-28

23 He said to them, "You will drink my cup, but to sit at my right hand and at my left is not mine to grant, but it is for those for whom it has been prepared by my Father." 

24 And when the ten heard it, they were indignant at the two brothers.  

25 But Jesus called them to him and said, "You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them.  

26 It shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant,  

27 and whoever would be first among you must be your slave,  

28 even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many."

Jesus doesn't deny that people will be honored differently.  He doesn't say, "Hey, once in heaven, who cares?  We're all the same."  He confirms that some will be honored over others.  If you don't know, where someone sat in Jesus' time was all about honor and recognition.  It was a big deal.  And then He goes on to reiterate what He said to me last night.  To be great is not to be powerful, to be recognized here on this Earth.  It is to be a SERVANT, to put yourself at the service of others, to willingly put yourself under them.  Wow!  

That doesn't sound at all like how I have lived my life these last few months.  I have been entitled to the nth degree.   Notice that the honor is to be near Christ in heaven.   Well, by golly, I want to be as close as I can get.  I want to be up there.  I don't want to lose that because I clung to this brief little flash.  Funny thing is, with my new lens of my heart, I am actually happier now, though that is not my goal.  You have to love paradoxes.

My prayer for you and I is that we would not lose what we have in heaven for the sake of this wonderful, yet flawed, and brief moment in eternity we call our current lives.  May our hearts understand what it means to live for Him.  May we be crazy bold with out lives, forsaking all for His kingdom.  May the Holy Spirit show each of us just what that means in our life.  Amen. 

Where Have I Been?

Last night I sat on the patio in my brother-in-law’s back yard.  The Mississippi pines swayed broad and hushed loud, pushed about by a rare, southern wind.  Small patches of black sky hovered above the tall, swaying canopy above me.  The smell of pine needles flew strong about the air.  It was a beautiful moment.  

The moment dug deep inside me, past myself, to that deepest part.  I thought of my Daddy Jake again.  I imagined how many breezes he had felt.  I imagined my Nanna standing beneath a slightly younger sun, it’s warmth caressing her tiny face and hands.  The people kept coming.  It wasn’t faces I saw, it was as if I embodied them for a moment, if but in my dreams, or perhaps it is the way around.  Whichever way it goes, there are people so a part of us, and us them, that we take them everywhere.  Everywhere I go, those people in my heart are also.  Nothing is experienced without them.  Everything is shared with them.

Yet, until last night, I had never stopped to wonder about where I have been carried.  What smells, sounds, or sights have conjured me inside someone else, reminded them of me, or made them feel my presence, though I am far away?  Perhaps it is in the swelling of an orchestra, or the sight of home, or perhaps even someplace new, and the overwhelming desire to show and share such a place with me is what swells inside.  Where have I been?  Where have the hearts of others taken me?  And, where will I go? 

Most of all, I wonder…

In whose hearts am I being carried?

Warning Sign

 

"And the truth is... I miss you so."

Nicholas L. Laning

Some of the greatest lyrics aren't fancy, they are plain.   They say what people are feeling in ordinary language.  The line above speaks to all of us.  We all miss something, someone, somewhere.  What we miss helps define us.  Just yesterday, I started coming out of a week long drought of the heart (possible sequel to "Total Eclipse of the Heart"?  No.  No one.  Oh okay.  That's cool I just...), and it has been awful.  I have missed being able to feel the presence of God. As I was missing Him, I thought about how God has made us to want Him, to need Him, even if we only know this subconsciously.  

I questioned why He would do that.  At first, my sinful heart thought it petty and cruel to make us need Him.  It seemed odd.  Not but thirty seconds later it dawned on me that us needing God is what makes Christianity different.  We don't follow a system.  We follow and adore a being.  

As a being myself, do I not long to be missed?  Do I not long to want people to be near me?  Surely I do.  I can think of almost nothing more terrible than to have no one in the world that longs to be near me, that treasures me, that is better off when they are near me.  I also long to want to be near people.  I don't want to need everyone the same.  It is the narrowness of my affection that makes giving it so great, what makes it precious.  And so the Holy Spirit has been faithfully and gingerly ministering to me, forgiving me of my own faithlessness and self aggrandizement, freely giving wisdom to see the lies, and faithful to give me courage in the face of lies head on with truth, to obey in trust.

I ask you, do you miss God?  If not, then why?  Do you feel Him unnecessary?  Cruel?  Apathetic?  Without Him, what do you cling to?  Can you live without Him and still find the ultimate purpose you know you need?  Can you still find justice?  

Matthew 22:37 ESV

And he said to him, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind."

May you know God, that you would miss Him.  May you miss Him deeply, more and more each day.  May He be gracious to you, allowing your heart to see that He is good.  May you and I be granted humility, never raising ourselves up, but letting God elevate according to His grace.  May we be instruments of hope and peace throughout the world.  May those who see us, see bits of Him, and yearn for it.  May we bit lit from the inside, and never lose sight of the enemy, never lose courage, and never lose hope in Christ Jesus.  He is surely good.  He is marvelous.  He is gracious.  My heart is thankful for Him, and for you.  He is surely great.  Amen.

If you read my blog, one of the greatest question I have been trying to answer is how do we love God?  This question has been complex.  I have discovered many subtleties and paradoxes, especially when it comes to people.  People have been the biggest mystery to me.  How do we love them?

Somewhere along the line, I found myself struggling an vain against a web of lies, that had me believing that humans were to be avoided.  Sure, we were to love them, but in deed, not in heart.  We were to guard our hearts.  I was reminded constantly that love is a decision, that people are quick to become idols, that they will disappoint.  All of these lies took on a new power behind the dark might of depression on my soul.

So, I began to make little of people, in order to make much of God, because I struggled to believe I could have a powerful affection for God.  If God were o be first, I had to start hacking other things down, because elevating him wasn't going to happen.  And, in a way, I was right.  Save for the grace of God, and the movement of the Holy Spirit, I had no ability to love God.  So, I simply knew the truth of my heart.  I just underestimated the power and grace of God to change me, to soften my heart, to show me I could actually love him.

Last night, God showed me something new in this battle of mine.  I was thinking about things I love, and was wondering.  Do they matter themselves?  Are we to see God in them?  Or, are we to, as we mature in our love for Him, stop seeing them altogether?  To just see Him? 

That's when I had one of the those moments, where a profound truth hits you in such a way that you know it didn't come from you.  You were thinking about bananas, and all of the sudden you were able to comprehend some new physical law of the universe.  So it was with me last night.

What came to me was this.  God's creation is all meant to point to Him, and He is the spring from which all goodness, joy, and pleasure flow.  Yet, He pours Himself into that creation in a unique way, and we are intended to see Him, to joy in Him, through those unique ways. 

For example, I have written a novel.  I didn't create it, but I made it.  If you wanted to know me, to love me, that book, Light Blue, is a unique way of doing so.  I could even maybe tell you many of the things that are hidden within it in conversation.  I could share my feelings with you, my thoughts.  Yet, it is my deep and abiding pleasure that parts of me be discovered in this manner.  You cannot know the full extent of me simply by being near me.  It is my pleasure to reveal myself through drawings, music, photography, and writing.

We are those things to God.  We are unique outpourings of Himself.  If we want to know Him, to love Him, we are not to elevate those ways, to idolize them, but were are also not to bypass them either!  Think about how amazing this is!  You and I are unique outpourings of God's creativity, His power, His love!  And, it is His desire, His intent, for us to see Him through each other.  Why is it then that every single command about loving God is about loving people also?!  Is it not?

It is, and it moves me.  We are the works of His hands.  Once I understand all of this, I am free to love my friends and family with as much vigor as I can handle.  There is no limit, at least not set by God.  My sinful heart has limits, and such is the joy of heaven, that our hearts will be made whole, capable of so much more than now.  But, in the mean time, I take the reminder that we are in this half world, mixed of heaven and hell, and I am reminded of my most heavenly moments.  None of them came apart from people.  It is people that are to share God's word, though we are surely not needed.  It is people we are meant to love, to help, to encourage.  We are given gifts, and all of them are for people.  God needs no teacher, no prophet, no encouragement, no service, no healing.

My heart is surely overwhelmed with gratitude at God's faithfulness.  May He continue to move us, press us toward Him, and in so, to empower us to let down the walls put up by lies, and open our hearts to each other.  May we remember the poor, and the sick.  May our hearts pound for them.  May we be moved to use those spiritual gifts for one another.  May we never lose sight of God, our Father.  May we remember the life lived by Christ.  May we be ever thankful for the ongoing ministry of the Holy Spirit.  God is surely good.  Amen.