All that satisfies.

God is all that satisfies.  This is something that we Christians sing all the time.  It is found in scripture, and we speak it as wisdom.  It is also something I have struggled to grasp in my heart. 

My heart has been struck by a nagging edge of disappointment since depression struck me some thirteen years ago.  During that time I was emotionally paralyzed, and it was absolute hell.  Like a paraplegic who can look at his legs, know he should be able to walk but cant, so was my heart.  I knew I should be able to feel love, to cherish, to revel, just as I remembered being able to do, but could no longer do so.  All this, and with no reason.  And so, my heart has longed simply to long.  My greatest want has been to want again. 

So it has been my struggle.  When I hear God only satisfies, my heart has rebelled.  For one, I have not felt satisfaction.  I have felt mostly pain in this life.  There has been beauty.  There is hope.  Yet, there has been mostly pain.  And so I balk.  "There is something off about this," I would think, "as I am seeking God and am not satisfied." 

Also, when this is said, I have struggled to feel there to be an underlying message saying, "Nothing else is worth messing with, because only God satisfies," and my heart longs to love others, to revel in creation and beauty.  Never mind the amount of scripture talking about loving others, or spent talking about the beauty found in creation.  Satan threw out the lie, and I swallowed it whole.  In my head I know God wants me to enjoy His creation.  He wants me to love others, to feel, to revel, but I my heart still struggles. 

Over the last two weeks I have come to see that God really is all that satisfies.  That is not a guarantee you'll be satisfied, as your heart and mine are still sinful and messed up.  The promise of satisfaction is still only found in Him.  Everything else, everyone else, can only satisfy inasmuch as they are lenses for Him.  If they are the sum total of what we want, disappointment is guaranteed.  In the short term , people  and creation may disappoint, but through Christ, there is actually the hope of dwelling together with true hearts.  Imagine getting to finally spending eternity with those you love the most, and not only are their hearts made whole, but so is yours.  Have you ever felt that promise?  I have felt it but a couple of times.  When you feel that, you will be changed forever. 

I look forward to it.  Tired of being let down by my own faulty heart and mind, I long for the day when I am true and whole.  But for a season, my heart has been in arrest.  Yet, I have hope.  All in all, I still believe, not just in the goodness of heaven, but in an abundant life here on this Earth, and I will keep that hope until I die.  Moments may make it glow as but an ember, but an ember needs just a little wind to turn to a flame once again. 

I will not give up, and I hope you won't either.  I will mess up, as I keep doing.  Still, I'll keep going.  Even in the muck will I sing hallelujah... for He is... all that satisfies.