"Why Have You Made Me Your Mark?"

Job 7:12-21 

12 Am I the sea, or a sea monster, that you set a guard over me?  

13 When I say, 'My bed will comfort me, my couch will ease my complaint,'  

14 then you scare me with dreams and terrify me with visions, 

15 so that I would choose strangling and death rather than my bones.  

16 I loathe my life; I would not live forever. Leave me alone, for my days are a breath.  

17 What is man, that you make so much of him, and that you set your heart on him,  

18 visit him every morning and test him every moment?  

19 How long will you not look away from me, nor leave me alone till I swallow my spit? 

20 If I sin, what do I do to you, you watcher of mankind? Why have you made me your mark? Why have I become a burden to you?  

21 Why do you not pardon my transgression and take away my iniquity? For now I shall lie in the earth; you will seek me, but I shall not be."

 Don't skip the verse.  Read it. 

"The Fleet Fox"

Didn't see that coming.  I read this verse and my heart clung to it.  You may or may not have noticed, but my blogging has been pretty sparse the last couple of weeks.  This is because my heart has been searching and struggling.  To be frank, my heart has been, like Job above, irritated, if not downright angry, at God.  If you are wondering why, I am not sure I could wholly tell you.  I think it has to do with life not being what I wanted it to be.  As good as my life is on the outside, and it is pretty great, my heart has not taken it in.  You might look at what I just said and think, "Nick, if you're the problem, then why are you mad at God?"  Well, A.) because I am stupid.  B.) because I want it to be different, and I know I can't do it.  I feel helpless, because I am.  My life should be enjoyed, relished, but it isn't, because my heart sucks.  So, I have been shouting out in anger like Job.  That sentiment, that either help me, or just leave me alone, has been running full tilt through me.  It irritated me that I couldn't be what I wanted in my heart, but that there is no escape.  I cannot do what atheists do, and put the blinders on, and just pretend that all the evidence isn't there.  I can't look at the people in my life and boil them down to matter.  I have tried.  I really have.  Yet, I can't, and it frustrates me.  Like I said, I have been crying out to God, "Lord save me!  If not, then forget me!"  But, I know he won't forget me, which angers me.  It's like running away from a friend who we feel has hurt us.  I don't want to pick up the phone or return texts, metaphorically speaking.


Just like with Job, God hasn't struck me with lighting either.  He hasn't sent a plague, or some terrible illness.  He has been patient, and though I am not restored fully, I can see Him moving, slowly but surely, to move my heart in a new place.


I say a new place, and not back, because I don't want to return to where I was.  Where I was was not honest.  I wasn't lying to y'all about my heart.  I was lying to myself.  I could feel the rumblings of discontent and frustration growing, but I am not completely stupid, just a little stupid.  The knowledge that God isn't wrong... ever, is not lost on me.  So, instead of taking my heart to God, I have lied to myself that it is OK. Why take your complaint to God?  You are going to be wrong... every time!  Easier to just stuff it.  Right?  Wrong.  It really is a relationship we have, and not a system.  I can't do X or Y and be OK.  Just like when people hurt us, eventually, if we want to be healthy, we have to confront them, even if we find that we are wrong.  The truth really does set you free.  So, I am not there yet.  My heart is somewhere in between.  I see God's hand at work, and I am thankful.  My anger is subsiding as He is speaking truth into me.  It is tough being patient for it though.  I wish He would just wave His hand and change me, but, as usual, He is content to build me slowly and methodically.  Still, my heart knows frustration and anger.  My prayers, like the Psalms, are a mixed bag of discontent and praise.  


If you would, I would of course greatly appreciate your prayers.  Please pray that God would show me who He is, that He would change me.  I have no desire to lie to myself anymore about the state of my heart.  Pray that God would grant me the strength to obey during this time.  There is a huge temptation to rebel.  My frustration keeps playing itself out in my heart with temptations to do things I shouldn't simply for the sake of doing something I know I shouldn't.  Thank you so much for your loving me in this way.