My Confession

You know, confession is a funny thing.  As a protestant, I believe my confessions, on the whole, are for the Lord, and those that I have sinned against.  However, every now and then, after much prayer, I believe it to be good to confess certain things publicly.  Doing so can benefit both the person sharing, and the people being confessed to.  That is the hope anyhow, as I am not big on sharing things publicly.  But, if it will benefit any of you, then I will deal with it.


Everyone seems to struggle with certain lies.  We usually don't even see them that way, because we believe them true.  This makes recognizing them tricky, and why satan uses them.  It either takes an enormous amount of introspection or someone else to see it and point it out, then it takes the movement of the Holy Spirit for us to actually believe it a lie.  Other people's lies seem easy to us, because we see them as false straight away.  There are some lies that I, generally, don't struggle with.  I don't believe humans are great.  That lie is easy as pie.  I don't believe that no one loves me.  I can see that other people value me greatly.  So, here is a lie a do struggle with...


Ever since I was a child, I have struggled not to believe that God doesn't really love me, and that He doesn't want for me to find any joy or pleasure here on this Earth.  Like I said, even as child, I felt this way.  It is straight from satan, as no one ever taught me this.  My mother and father lavished God's grace and affection on me, and taught me that both were there.  Yet, somehow this lie took root, and it is still a struggle.  I speak God's goodness, and on some level I believe it.  However, deep down there is doubt.  I feel like God really just wants me to suffer, and that joy is to be had in heaven later.  Here on Earth though, you just need to tough it.  I know!  I know it is stupid.  I do.  I know, on one level.  Again, deep down, there is a part of me that even now is nodding my head as I type the parts about God not wanting me to find any happiness or joy here on Earth.  I read those verses about joy, and I think, "It must be some kind of semantic joy, not an actual joy, because God seems to want to me to just suffer."  

Going through depression for a decade obviously took this tiny lie, and blew it up.  Satan has been shouting in my ear ever since.  "LOOK, God hates you!  He wants you to suffer!   I want you to feel good.  Go fornicate with a bunch of women and you'll feel awesome!"  So the battle begins, as the Holy Spirit has been faithful to never let me go.  He reminds me, "Nicholas, look at the lives of anyone who has given themselves over their lusts, their greed.  Do any of them have lives that you envy?   What were your greatest moments?  What were the unifying factors?  Do you not miss me when you take your heart and place your hope in something else?"  The answer is always no to giving into those temptations, and my greatest moments have all been when my heart has been aligned with God's.  All of them.  When I am near Him, I feel a pleasure that is unmatchable.  Yet, time and again, when things get even a bit rough, satan trots this out, and the battle begins again.  Sometimes I go up, and sometimes I go down a bit, and struggle.


That is my confession.  It is one of my great struggles.  I would love it if you would pray for me in this.  I am ready to have victory over this lie, if not completely, then at least more victory.  Pray that God would grant me wisdom, discernment, and courage against this lie.  I will be praying for you and your heart as well.  You are dear to me, and I hope that my words have found you encouraged.