Formulas Are For Numbers, Not People

A + B = C.  1 + 2 = 3.  All of these are equations, and simple ones at that.  Ask anyone who loves math why they love math and you’re almost certain to get the same answer.  They will say that the beauty in math is that it doesn’t change.  You can debate politics, economics, literature, film, history even, but not math.  One plus one equals two, period.   If you debate this you are… a moron.  There is a sense of comfort in that consistency, a sense of control.  It’s still difficult, but it’s just a puzzle to be unlocked, and the formula works.  If you don’t get the answer right then it is your fault.  All variation of outcome rests on your shoulders.  The formula works.  It is up to you to fill in the blanks and work the formula to its definite conclusion. 

It really does have its own beauty, and the draw is real in a world that is ever changing and complex.  1 + 2 = 3.  Formulas work… with numbers.  What happens when we start to use formulas with people?

“Well, Nicholas, who cares?  People don’t use formulas with people really.”

Don’t they though?

One of my best friends recently got engaged.  My friend had been previously married and went through divorce.  His wife cheated on him sexually and then abandoned him.  He was one of the greatest husbands I had ever seen.  Everyone who knew him throughout his marriage would say the same thing.  His ex-wife concurred throughout the entire process of her cheating and leaving that he was so wonderful that it made her sick.  It irked her that she had no real leg to stand on and get upset, to blame.  She would talk about how good he was with complete vitriol as she spiraled away from goodness and from him.  Time passed.  As I said, he is now engaged to a woman he has fallen in love with.  It should be a time of celebration, and joy, and in most ways it is.   

However, there has been enormous surprise though in the form of doubt from his fiancés friends and family.  Pre-divorce, this man was the man all parents and friends wanted to marry their daughters, their friends.  Post-divorce, he has been doubted at every corner, every turn.  Even after people get to know him, there is doubt.  Yes, SHE cheated.  SHE left.  Yet, there must have been a reason.  There must be some unsavory secret lurking in the closet.  That is always the thinking that comes from the people who doubt.  No matter how many times he recounts the tale of what occurred he is always asked skeptically, “What did you do?”  When he asks them to clarify they always say something like, “Well, you talk about what SHE did, but what did YOU do?” 

Question.  Why must he have done something?  Why must her leaving be his fault in any way at all? Is she not a human endowed with her own free will?

Let’s take a look at another story for the answer.

Another friend of mine recently walked out in the middle of a sermon.  The pastor at her church was giving the second sermon in a five part series on marriage.  Sermon one, a week earlier, had been on men and their roles within marriage.  This was sermon two, and was dealing with women and their role.  The pastor came around to the subject of divorce.  He urged everyone that was in a struggling marriage to stick it out.  He talked about God’s design for marriage, talked about how those that did go through divorce that there was forgiveness, redemption, and hope.  My friend, who divorced her husband due to sexual infidelity and drug addiction nodded knowingly through all of this.  It wasn’t until the pastor started talking about how women could, through certain actions, bring about the change they wanted in their husbands.  The list began.  After the first item she nodded, thinking, “I did that.”  Then the next item.  She did that.  The next.  Did that too.  On and on it went until she just couldn’t take it any longer.  She walked out of that sermon knowing that she did all of those things and it did not change her husband.  She knew them throughout her marriage.  People told her that if she just loved her husband better then he would change.  Her actions would melt his heart.  They didn't.

That pastor was doing his best, but he had no idea that he had done something very dangerous.  He put people into a formula, and while formulas work with numbers, they don’t work with people.  Everything he had told those women to do was spot on.  There is no trouble there.  The trouble was telling them that such actions could, indeed WOULD, change the actions and heart of their husbands.  My friend is the prime example of how that is not true.

People are not numbers.  Numbers do not change.  Four is four is four.  People change constantly.  We change so much we aren’t even always sure what is going on inside our own selves.  That is how stupidly complicated we are. 

This concept is not in any way limited to marriage and divorce.  The idea of simplifying humanity into a formula pops up in the Bible.  Check this out…

LUKE 13 

There were some present at that very time who told him about the Galileans whose blood Pilate had mingled with their sacrifices. ² And he answered them, “Do you think that these Galileans were worse sinners than all the other Galileans, because they suffered in this way? ³ No, I tell you; but unless you repent, you will all likewise perish. ⁴ Or those eighteen on whom the tower in Siloam fell and killed them: do you think that they were worse offenders than all the others who lived in Jerusalem? ⁵ No, I tell you; but unless you repent, you will all likewise perish.”

Read that.  The people talking to Jesus saw these horrible things happening to these people and instead of seeing it as injustice, instead of putting the blame on Pilate and the Romans whom had mixed their blood with sacrifices, or in the case of the tower, gravity, they assumed that those who were killed had done something to deserve such misfortune. 

Jesus Heals a Man Born Blind

JOHN 3

1As he passed by, he saw a man blind from birth. 2And his disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” 3Jesus answered, “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him. 4We must work the works of him who sent me while it is day; night is coming, when no one can work. 5As long as I am in the world, I am the light of the world.” 6Having said these things, he spit on the ground and made mud with the saliva. Then he anointed the man’s eyes with the mud 7and said to him, “Go, wash in the pool of Siloam” (which means Sent). So he went and washed and came back seeing.

Here it is again.  This time it isn’t just people, but Jesus’ disciples.  They come upon a man who is born blind and instead of seeing it as misfortune they assume that either he or his parents had sinned.  There is a loooooooong heritage of people oversimplifying in the Christian faith.  I’ve known people who were battling cancer and instead of receiving encouragement were instead chastised.  You see, they would be healed if only they had enough faith.  They were still sick.  Ergo, they did not have enough faith.  

“Nick, that’s crazy talk.  Some outlandish people might do that, but not your average Christian.”

Maybe not about healing sickness, no.  About marriage and relationships?  You bet. 

We need to feel we’re in control.  We need things to be understandable.  In church, we feel we need to have answers, definitive ones.  If we don’t have an answer for everything then somehow that might mean we’re not worth coming to?  I don’t know.  Answers must be had though, and so we reach to that same place of peace we find in math.  We think, “God loves marriage and hates divorce, ergo, he would not let a marriage between two God following people end in divorce.”  Hey, God also hates death, but it is still coming.  God hates sickness, but no one lives a perfectly healthy life. 

Most Christians have come to see the prosperity gospel as silly, yet we have adopted that gospel, not with money, but with our families.  Surely, if I love God and my wife loves God then there is no chance for failure.  Surely, if I raise my children in the way of the Lord, they will grow to love Him as I love Him.  Yet, we all know that when we get beyond the fantasy and look at life, at our experiences, we know differently.  Have we not all known someone amazing who has been left?  Have we not all known an amazing set of parents who had a child become wayward?  I’ve read the Bible and have yet to see a verse promising such things.  Have you?  Where is the verse that promises that “if you love your spouse how you should they won’t leave and will become the spouse you wish them to be?”  The verse that says, “if you raise your children as the Bible says that you are guaranteed that they will grow up to be as you hoped” is where?  For that matter, where is any verse in the Bible that says that your obedience in any way is guaranteed to alter the actions of another person ever? 

I’ll give you a hint… there isn’t one.  Okay, that’s not a hint.  You caught me. 

“Nicholas, no.  It says in Proverbs 22:6 says, “Start children off on the way they should go, and when they are old they will not turn from it.  Boom!”

That is not a promise.  It is a Proverb.  A proverb is defined as a brief popular saying that gives advice about how people should live or express a belief that is generally thought to be true.  Thus sayeth Merriam and Webster.  Before you tell me that you don’t care about what some secular source says a Proverb is, here are some resources, all gotten from the first page of Google with “Are proverbs promises” in the search bar.  Feel free to go see your self.  Here are some of the sites…

http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/parents-beware-proverbs-are-not-promises

http://magazine.biola.edu/article/07-spring/proverbs-226-a-promise-to-parents/

https://www.biblegateway.com/devotionals/quest-bible/2012/10/02

http://www.gotquestions.org/proverb-Bible.html

http://counselingoneanother.com/2013/07/23/are-proverbs-sure-fire-promises/

http://drjamesdobson.org/Solid-Answers/Answers?a=a4651318-9f2a-4a75-87c7-4da7b76e3ede

http://www.growingchristians.org/devotions/proverbs-are-proverbs/

These articles weren’t written by hippies here, with John Piper and James Dobson amongst the writers.  In the article written by Dr. Dobson he expounds on not just this one proverb as not always being true but goes through a list of others, as he says,

"Lazy hands make a man poor, but diligent hands bring wealth" (10:4). (Have you ever met a diligent--but poor--Christian? I have.)

"The blessing of the Lord brings wealth, and he adds no trouble to it" (10:22).

"The fear of the Lord adds length to life, but the years of the wicked are cut short" (10:27). (I have watched some beautiful children die with a Christian testimony on their lips.)

"No harm befalls the righteous, but the wicked have their fill of trouble" (12:21).

"Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed" (15:22).

"Gray hair is a crown of splendor; it is attained by a righteous life" (16:31).

"The lot is cast into the lap, but its every decision is from the Lord" (16:33).

"A tyrannical ruler lacks judgment, but he who hates ill-gotten gain will enjoy a long life" (28:16).

There is no promise that you can manipulate another person through your obedience or faith.  Each person is accountable for only their sin.  Deuteronomy 24:16 says a parent is not to be executed for a child’s sin nor vise versa, as each is punished for their own sin.  How can this be true if Proverbs 22:6 is a promise?  Would that not make the parents culpable?  Also, were this a promise, then you, not God, would be saving your child.  It would be your works that saved them, not God’s grace.  We know this to be false. 

Point is that all of these situations are formulas, and all of them fail.  They don’t just fail the people who have them hit them directly.  They hurt everyone.  How much better would our marriages be if we didn’t rest on this fake formula?  Mightn’t we be more active in our pursuit of our spouse?  Would we not be infinitely more capable of encouraging those who have been left by their spouses, had children go astray, are estranged from their parents, a friend, are dealing with illness or some other life horror?  We would.  There is no doubt.  There may be a sense of security in trusting the formula, but it is false security, as people aren’t numbers. 

If we got rid of trusting these stupid formulas…

…my friend could be simply celebrating his engagement.  The people around his fiancé would be ecstatic, as they would see that their friend was about to marry one of the best men alive.  They would meet his story with empathy instead of doubt. 

…the blind man would have been met with help and empathy instead of judgment, as if his life had not been hard enough.

…those who died at the hand of Pilate and under the tower in Siloam would have been mourned properly instead of their legacy being invoked with shame. 

…we will not doubt God’s goodness when the formula fails, as we will already know the formula was fantasy and not from God.  We will love our spouse as we ought and God will still be good regardless of their response, as we will now know there was never a guarantee of change.  We will be evermore patient when our child doesn’t respond to our Godly parenting.  We will not hate ourselves, nor God, as it was never in our power to control another, even one who is in our stewardship.  We will go to God, not our own actions, to change the hearts of others. 

Country Boys and the Coors Light Conundrum

Frank chewed so much tobacco his lower lip bulged even when it wasn't carrying it's usual payload.  Sweat trickled all across his face from the hot Texas sun.  His, covered in dust and cow dander, were shaking from the strain of his work.  It had been a long day.  His stomach growled with hunger.  With long, bow-legged strides he mozied his way up across the pasture, through the gate in the fence, across the yard and into the house.  He every step kicked up dust that lingered in the motionless air.  In a matter of seconds, Frank managed to wrangle off his boots.  His steps changed to a series of slides across the linoleum floor to the kitchen.

"Hey, Dad."  Frank's eldest son, Charlie, was standing over the oven.  Steam and smoke billowed around him up
into the fan above.

"Smells good.  What's for dinner?"  Frank said softly.

Charlie whipped around, pan in hand.  Steam rose up from the pan into Charlie's face, steaming over his glasses entirely.  So caught up was Frank in laughter that he didn't see what was being slid off the pan by Charlie's spatula onto the plate in front of him.  With a coo, he stopped laughing, fumbled around for his fork, then looked at his plate.   

Frank's face twisted with disgust.  "What in the heck is this?" 

"Asparagus," Charlie quipped over his shoulder as he continued to cook.

"I know what it is."

Charlie turned around, "Good, then why ask."

Frank dropped his fork.  "Look, Charlie, I know that you're all into your health and all eating that vegan crap, but I need some real food."

Charlie blinked.  "Have you tried it?  I cooked it like you would a piece of meat.  It's quite hardy and tasty, and for the last time, I am not vegan.  I just like asparagus.  It's damn good."

"It's city food," said Frank sternly.  

"Dad, what the heck is city food?  It was grown down the road.  I bought it in town.  It's delicious.  You should try it first."

"I don't want to eat city food.  You may be all about your health but I like to eat like a man."

Charlie frowned and shook his head.  "Fine, eat like a man all you want, but you'll have to cook it yourself."

"Suits me just fine."  Frank rose and headed over to the fridge where he pulled out the package of bacon.  "This," he said with a drop in his voice, "is how a man eats.  Men, son, do not care about calories or being vegan or organic or any of that sissy crap.  We eat what we want and don't care about that diety stuff."

Charlie shrugged, "I want to eat asparagus, and live past seventy."

"Watch it," Frank pointed as he spoke.  "I am still your dad."

Charlie nodded.  "Yes sir.  Want a beer?"

"What we got?"

"Hmmmmmmmm Guinness, Shiner Bock, Real Ale, and Coors Light."

Without skipping a beat Frank replied, "Coors Light."

Charlie shook his head.  

Frank noticed.  "What?"

Charlie gave his head one more slow shake.  "Nothing.  You're right.  Real men eat what they want and don't do that diety stuff.  Cheers."  With that, they raised their cans, Charlie with his Guinness, and Frank with his Coors light, and toasted.

Music Review: Ghost Stories by Coldplay - Is Coldplay Dead?

Coldplay - Ghost Stories

Coldplay is, for whatever reason, a polarizing band.  People either love them or love to hate them.  I am the former.  I love Coldplay.  For a decade now they have been my favorite band.  As a storyteller at heart there has always been something uniquely cinematic about Coldplay's songs.  They often manage to evoke feelings of intimacy and grandeur at the same time.  They aren't just singing about an emotion but also what that emotion means in the grand scheme of the universe.  It has been as one of the singles from their new album Ghost Stories is titled, Magic.  That Magic has brought me to attend two Coldplay concerts, one in Belfast and the other in Dallas.  They are the only band that I have anticipated release dates and bought the album the day of their release.  A couple years ago, I looked at the number of times in iTunes I listened to Coldplay by song.  I had listened to over a dozen of their songs over a hundred times.  I love Coldplay.  They are indelibly the largest contributors to the soundtrack of my life thus far.

I feel it important to share where I am coming from, because I feel it important to this review.  All too often when I am reading a review it becomes apparent to me that the reason that the author doesn't like the work being reviewed not because the work isn't an good, but because there is something they are comparing it to and it fails to live up to that comparison.  This happens most often when movies are remade or adapted from famous novels.  An acid-tongued critic will wax poetic about how the movie doesn't do some lofty blah blah blah that Tolstoy did in his epic novel blah blah blah.  Then, I, being one who has never read said epic novel, I watch the movie as a stand alone work and love it.  There is a disconnect between my experience as one who comes to the table fresh and one who brings baggage and affection with them.  The same is true here.  That way I can explain why I would write a title insinuating Coldplay might be coming to an end. (Beyond the fact that such a catchy Title might get you to read this.  Hey, it was either that or "Man Writes Scathing Review of Coldplay's New Album Ghost Stories,  You Won't Believe What Happened Next!!! OMG!!!)

So, answering the question, is Ghost Stories any good?

Sure.  For those of you who don't know me, "sure" is not a good word.  The word "sure" holds the same feeling with me as saying "f@#$ you".  My girlfriend, Tabitha, is chuckling and nodding next to me as I write this.  I hate the word "sure."

In a vacuum, if we could wipe out all memory and history and come to this fresh then we might be befuddled a bit, but we could answer the question of this album being good with a yes.  Ghost Stories is clean, moving, pop.  Compared to what else is out there with a similar sound it is above average.  It is a cool mix of techno beats, ambient strings and synth, and Chris Martin's one of a kind vocals.  There are sure to be a couple songs that become hits, particularly the heavily pushed "Sky Full of Stars".

So, why would I insinuate that Coldplay might be dead?

Well, because I think they just might be.  We'll see.  As one who comes to the table not in a vacuum, not fresh, this album sucks.  Before I answer why, I am going to tell you why not.  Ghost Stories doesn't suck because it is different from their past work.  I have always been a man that gives room to my favorite artists.  I am an artist.  I get it.  Artists grow.  We change.  We evolve.  We can have this great thing, something people love, are willing to pay us (us being artists, not me obviously) millions to just KEEP DOING WHAT WE LOVE YOU FOR.  Yet, again and again our favorite actor leaves their famous roll on our favorite TV show because they are bored and they promptly disappear from fame, leaving us thinking, "Why couldn't they just keep doing what made them famous and rich?"  Because they are artists, and artists change.

Coldplay has been changing since the beginning and I have not only not begrudged the change but embraced it even if it is not always best.  Parachutes may still be my favorite album of theirs, but I have loved every subsequent album a ton.  Mylo Xyloto, Coldplay's last album before Ghost Stories was a far cry from Parachutes and I loved it.

This album disappoints not because it is different from the past, but because it isn't even a Coldplay album.

What do I mean?

Just listen to this album.  As I did kept thinking how the album would have been good... if it were not a Coldplay album.  Were Chris Martin to have gone solo and this been his first offering, I would have enjoyed it enormously.  Coldplay has been aggressively and openly trying to be the greatest band of all time since the beginning.  Whether they have or have not come close is debatable, but what isn't is that they have always been a great band, emphasis on the word BAND, as in a collective of musicians who play different instruments in concert with one another to produce something special... hopefully.  Ghost Stories is not the work of a band at all.  It shouldn't be a called an album by Coldplay, but indeed Chris Martin and the Machine, as that would be more accurate.

Ghost Stories is an unintentionally cautionary album that reveals just how much we can over value vocals.  It is easy to appreciate the uniqueness of someone's voice.  We have a harder time appreciating the value of a truly amazing guitarist, bassist, or drummer.  It can be tempting to think they are replaceable, that they are not artists but instead technicians.  If it is just about plucking a string just find another string plucker.  Listen to this album after listening to the rest of Coldplay's incredible work and you are left feeling this odd void.  Close your eyes next time you listen to Ghost Stories and just try to imagine the band performing these songs.  Good luck.  I did it, and I saw Chris Martin singing while some technician hits play on a Karaoke machine.  The outcome wasn't the Beatles or U2 but Beyonce or Bieber, vocal performers who sing along with music made by a computer.

I don't begrudge music made by computers.  It has a place, even in a Coldplay album, as it has augmented the last three Coldplay albums beautifully.  AUGMENTED.  With Ghost Stories it takes over.  When I close my eyes, I see Chris Martin doing his thing while drummer Will Champion, guitarist Jonny Buckland, and Bassist Guy Berryman are chilling out doing nothing.  They are almost no where to be found in the album, and when they are, THEY, not the computer, are the ones augmenting.  That amazing chemistry that makes a band a band is no where to be found.  It leaves me wondering if Coldplay is dead.  Chris Martin's vocals alone does not a Coldplay album make.  It is sad when the day comes where you have to hope your favorite player, artist, band fails to some extent so as to be pushed back on track.  My fear is that teenagers will flock to this album in droves.  They'll recognize the sound from all the Miley Cyrus albums that filled their ears and think, "Coldplay is Kind of Cool."

No.  No they aren't.  Not anymore.  Here's to hoping this is a mistake and not the new norm.

3 Thoughts on How to Love Those Who Have Endured Divorce.

It would be sad enough if it were simply one person’s story of feeling unloved by the church during or after divorce, but it isn’t.  What makes it truly sad is that I hear the same story over and over and over, and not from people at one church, but many churches.  This tells me it is not a problem with a church, but the church. 

Some of it is simply people believing lies.  I know that in my own experience much of my hurt was my own sensitivity filling in the blanks.  Also, many, many, many people treated me with the utmost respect and kindness.  Most people, actually, were ridiculously fantastic.  Yet, at the end of the day, when every single person I know that has gone through divorce comes to me with the same stories, it says something.   It says what most of us already know, that we don’t, as a church, do a great job of loving those who have gone through divorce. 

Thing is, I know it is not the intent.  I know in my heart of hearts that divorce is tough.  It is complicated, messy, fraught with misperception, and so scary to most that not a lot of thought is actually given to it, apart from the fact that it is scary and we hate it.  Just like anything, it is very tough to love what we don’t understand.  If you haven’t already, you need to take some time to ask yourself some questions about divorce, what you believe concerning it, and how you communicate that in order to achieve what you desire, to bring glory to God by loving those hurting.

Here are some ideas that I have on how to love those like me whom have gone through divorce.  These are my observations.  They are not scientific, nor definitive, but they come from experience, both my own, and that of many others.  Hopefully you will at least be provoked to thought.  So, with no further delay, here are some thoughts on how to show love to people whom have gone through divorce.

1.   Don’t define them by their divorce.

Notice the wording in the title above.  Notice I didn’t say “Divorced people”, or “The Divorced.”  Sounds like zombies.  THE DIVORCED.  Dum dum dum!  Why did I do that?  I did so because, even though the term is grammatically correct, it is definitive.  Let me give you an example of what I am meaning. 

I recently visited a church.  Just like pretty much every other church, this church greeted and invited all visitors to fill out an information card so that they can record your attendance and reach out to you.  I filled out the card with the usual information: name, address, email, etc.  At the bottom of the card was a section on marital status.  They had five boxes: married, single, separated, divorced, widowed.  I checked the box for divorced, but immediately found frustration in the question.  I just kept thinking, “When do I get to not be defined by this?  Does this thing that I did not do not want get to be my label?”  I tried to reason with myself that perhaps they were wanting the information to reach out to those in need, but that didn’t make sense either.  There are thousands of issues to address; yet none of them are asked.  There wasn’t a box for cancer survivor, infertile, drug addict, alcoholic.  There and then I decided that unless it is a legal document, I am going to be checking the single box, because while I have gone through divorce, that is not my definition.  Single is. 

Hear me say it again.  This may sound silly to you, but the point is one everyone can understand.  Words have power.  Your words have power.  This church meant zero ill will.  You don’t have to intend to hurt someone to do so.  True affection desires to be considerate of the feelings of others.  It is impossible to do completely, but it is the heart that counts.  There is a lot of value in trying. 

The other way that we don’t let people move on is by hurting for them beyond what is appropriate.  There is a season of hurt that is reasonable.  Yet, after a certain point that expression of sorrow no longer comforts but constricts.  I remember how much it meant to me those first few months when people would hurt with me, mourn with me.  They would see me, and their hearts grieved.  It showed on their faces.  It let me know I was loved, that people cared enough to hurt for me. 

After about nine months though, it started to get a little weird.  I had healed a lot.  I was ready to move forward.  A smile was on my face.  Contrary to popular Christian myth, divorce is not death.  Life was filling with good things.  I was ready to move on.  Some others were not.  Certain people in my life kept giving me the face of grief even after I had told them many times how happy I was, how life was good.  I don’t know if they just couldn’t believe it, or what.  I don’t know.  I do know that it made me feel like they weren’t okay with me moving on, like they wanted me to still be sad, still defined by this awful thing.  Perhaps they did.  One or two people seemed downright incensed that I was not miserable “only” a year after being left.  Let it go.  Maybe you would be miserable for years if it happened to you, maybe not.  There is no arbitrary number of appropriate grief. 

When the person shows they are getting better and moving on, LET THEM.  Not doing so tells them you are defining them by that occurrence.  Replace it with any other hurt and it makes sense.  You wouldn’t make a rape victim check a box on an attendance card, nor would you make them feel like they hadn’t hurt enough when they showed signs of healing.  You’d praise God and let it be.

2.   Use the word “convinced” or  “believe” instead of “is”

You might think that divorce, separation, and remarriage is straightforward Biblically, especially if you’ve stayed in the same church or church denomination for most of your life.  Most churches don’t come to the table with much humility.  I think there is a pressure to have answers, and we start to use the word “is” when we shouldn’t.  There are some things in the Bible that are abundantly clear, and there are many things that are not.  Divorce is not an easy subject, no matter what you’ve been told. 

Saying that is like saying the issue of God’s sovereignty and free will is simple.  You can say that only with a great sense of arrogance, for it is simply not true.  I am convinced of what I believe on all of the above.  I am not advocating being wishy-washy, but simply being aware of my own limitations.  I do not have the definitive answer on divorce, separation, and remarriage, nor God’s sovereignty vs. free will, but I am convinced in what I do believe.  I also hold that belief with an open hand, meaning I am willing to be shown I am wrong. 

If you don’t believe me, just go ask fifty different people what they believe is Biblical on any of those above subjects and you will likely get fifty different answers.  I had no idea how complex it was until I was under the gun myself.  Counseling was all around me during that time, as there should have been.  One of the most vexing parts of that time was trying to decipher what God wanted, as literally everyone was telling me what was Biblical and not, and the funny thing was no one agreed completely, and everyone was even using the same verses.  It was a beautiful time of honesty between God and I, where I eventually had to take in all the wisdom given to me, and take it to Him and listen. 

If you want to tell someone what you believe, great.  Please do so.  People who are in the throws of it will likely seek much counsel.  It is a tumultuous time.  Tell them what you think when it is appropriate.  That is good and right.  Again, I challenge you.  When you do this, use the words “convinced” and “believe” instead of is.  They share the firmness of your belief alongside the humility of a limited being that really doesn’t know the answer 100%.  Your words will be received so much more fully.  Even if you are right, by lacking humility your words will likely fall on deaf ears.

3.   Admit that you don’t know what is like, nor do you know what you would do.

If I had a dime…  Man, this happens so much!  Happened to me, and happens to every person thus far I have spoken with who shares my experience, and it hurts deeply.  Because there is such a wide array on what the Bible says and doesn’t on the issue, there are going to be disagreements, and that is okay.  We’re not all going to have the same belief.  Many of the beliefs shared will be deeply held, and it is always personal with marriage.  No one takes it lightly, nor should they.  This doesn’t mean it is okay to be rude.

A friend recently told me how he was considering joining a church.  Yet, he has struggled to do so, as he doesn’t feel welcome there due to the pastor’s rhetoric over divorce.  This particular church has a very tiny window, almost not, of when it is acceptable to divorce and remarry.  My friend married a woman who was sexually unfaithful, and abandoned him.  Yet, in one sermon the preacher shared that he didn’t care, that he was tired of hearing from those who have gone through divorce and were wanting to remarry.  They would come to him seeking favor and such desire, and he had no intention of giving it.  “People always come to me and tell me that I don’t understand,” he said.  “I tell them the same thing, ‘You married her, bro., now deal with it.” 

Does that sound loving at all to you?  If not, this kind of attitude is espoused regularly at churches.  If he wants to believe what he does, so be it.  My issue isn’t about his beliefs, it is about love, and how to express it.  That is not tough love, that is rude.  Truth is, he doesn’t know, and if you’ve not experienced the person you love change on you and leave you then you don’t either.  It is hard to fathom, but there weren’t any warning signs.  Can you imagine that?  It is hard, but it isn’t like when I married Kathleen there was a sense of danger to it.  She was a pastor’s daughter, and I felt one hundred percent secure in my marriage all the way up until right before she actually left.  No one that knew her, no one, would have thought it even remotely possible, not in a million years.  Yet, those same people all watched in horror as it unfolded, she changed.  Every good, Christian marriage holds such trust, yet statistics show that trust is only well placed half the time.  Think about that.  Don’t be arrogant and think that everyone who has been left are idiots.  If you met the people I have, your jaw would drop.  Some of the Godliest, loveliest, most devoted people you will ever meet have been left. 

You don’t know the pain that accompanies being abandoned by a spouse.  It is not just hurt.  When listening to others, I find a common expression of the feeling.  It is that of violation.  It is a molestation of the heart and soul.  So, when you thump that Bible and tell that person that just went through that hell that they need to go hunt down, wait for, and cling to the one that left them, realize that what you are asking is asking them to want to sleep and be with the person that has violated them most deeply.  Don’t make it sound easy.  Heck, maybe don’t say it.  We can get into thoughts on the Bible and divorce another day.  For now, approach those who have gone through divorce with humility.  If you want to share a belief, go for it, but do so with meekness.  Do so especially if you are telling them something difficult.  If you believe the person doesn’t have Biblical freedom to remarry, then you are surely free to express that, just do it in love, and really feel the weight of your words.  You just speak them and walk away.  For them, it is a decision that affects everything.  Don’t let your dogma trump your ability to show love.