Every now and then we have something happen in our lives that brings the reality of our death a little more clearly into view. We nearly get hit by a car, we get a scary medical diagnosis, whatever. I had something go on to today that has me thinking about it a bit, and not just with my head, like usual, but with my heart.
I have been thinking about how much I will miss (and experience, we never think about what we are currently missing out on in heaven). It is the small things that come to mind, things like, how if i were to die today, I would miss out on Bon Iver's third album. I wouldn't know who the next Best Picture winner is. I would have experienced my last night poorly, as I drank too much tea too late, and couldn't stop thinking about Light Blue, and what needs to be done for it to be what it needs to be. I would not have completed Light Blue for that matter, and would only hope that Kathleen, Jason, Chelsea, and J Lew would be able to finish it for me.
The more deep thoughts are the thoughts about legacy of course, of feeling like your time would be cut short. I have already thought quite a bit about how much I could do if given the time. Yet, I was thinking about how everyone feels this way, and that is just a part of this fallen life. Nobody will ever reach anything near their full potential in this life. Even those whom we think of as successful weren't, aren't, and never will be fully realized in this current life. At first that made me sad.
The more I thought about it, though, the more I realized that I am free to just live the life I am given. If we think of it in perspective of what we deserve, which is nothing, I have achieved much. I have gotten to travel and enjoy much of God's creation, be married to a beautiful woman, be apart of an exceptional family, and that is just a start. I even wrote a book, which is pretty cool. Mostly, I have tried to love as much as I can. I really have. And, in light of my little scare today, all those accomplishments such as writing books, or whatever, are not nearly as dear to me as how much I have loved and been loved.
It has been a semi-harsh mercy, if you will, one whose sting I am coming to cherish for the clarity it is giving me. Though I will surely forget, and take for granted this wonderful lesson, right now I am thankful. Thankful for so many things, not least of which, I am thankful... for you.
I have been thinking about how much I will miss (and experience, we never think about what we are currently missing out on in heaven). It is the small things that come to mind, things like, how if i were to die today, I would miss out on Bon Iver's third album. I wouldn't know who the next Best Picture winner is. I would have experienced my last night poorly, as I drank too much tea too late, and couldn't stop thinking about Light Blue, and what needs to be done for it to be what it needs to be. I would not have completed Light Blue for that matter, and would only hope that Kathleen, Jason, Chelsea, and J Lew would be able to finish it for me.
The more deep thoughts are the thoughts about legacy of course, of feeling like your time would be cut short. I have already thought quite a bit about how much I could do if given the time. Yet, I was thinking about how everyone feels this way, and that is just a part of this fallen life. Nobody will ever reach anything near their full potential in this life. Even those whom we think of as successful weren't, aren't, and never will be fully realized in this current life. At first that made me sad.
The more I thought about it, though, the more I realized that I am free to just live the life I am given. If we think of it in perspective of what we deserve, which is nothing, I have achieved much. I have gotten to travel and enjoy much of God's creation, be married to a beautiful woman, be apart of an exceptional family, and that is just a start. I even wrote a book, which is pretty cool. Mostly, I have tried to love as much as I can. I really have. And, in light of my little scare today, all those accomplishments such as writing books, or whatever, are not nearly as dear to me as how much I have loved and been loved.
It has been a semi-harsh mercy, if you will, one whose sting I am coming to cherish for the clarity it is giving me. Though I will surely forget, and take for granted this wonderful lesson, right now I am thankful. Thankful for so many things, not least of which, I am thankful... for you.
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