14 then you scare me with dreams and terrify me with visions,
20 If I sin, what do I do to you, you watcher of mankind? Why have you made me your mark? Why have I become a burden to you?21 Why do you not pardon my transgression and take away my iniquity? For now I shall lie in the earth; you will seek me, but I shall not be."
Don't skip the verse. Read it.
|"The Fleet Fox"|
Just like with Job, God hasn't struck me with lighting either. He hasn't sent a plague, or some terrible illness. He has been patient, and though I am not restored fully, I can see Him moving, slowly but surely, to move my heart in a new place.
I say a new place, and not back, because I don't want to return to where I was. Where I was was not honest. I wasn't lying to y'all about my heart. I was lying to myself. I could feel the rumblings of discontent and frustration growing, but I am not completely stupid, just a little stupid. The knowledge that God isn't wrong... ever, is not lost on me. So, instead of taking my heart to God, I have lied to myself that it is OK. Why take your complaint to God? You are going to be wrong... every time! Easier to just stuff it. Right? Wrong. It really is a relationship we have, and not a system. I can't do X or Y and be OK. Just like when people hurt us, eventually, if we want to be healthy, we have to confront them, even if we find that we are wrong. The truth really does set you free. So, I am not there yet. My heart is somewhere in between. I see God's hand at work, and I am thankful. My anger is subsiding as He is speaking truth into me. It is tough being patient for it though. I wish He would just wave His hand and change me, but, as usual, He is content to build me slowly and methodically. Still, my heart knows frustration and anger. My prayers, like the Psalms, are a mixed bag of discontent and praise.
If you would, I would of course greatly appreciate your prayers. Please pray that God would show me who He is, that He would change me. I have no desire to lie to myself anymore about the state of my heart. Pray that God would grant me the strength to obey during this time. There is a huge temptation to rebel. My frustration keeps playing itself out in my heart with temptations to do things I shouldn't simply for the sake of doing something I know I shouldn't. Thank you so much for your loving me in this way.