“I think it's impossible
to really understand somebody, what they want, what they believe, and not love
them the way they love themselves."
-
Ender Wiggin
– “Ender’s Game” 1985
Understanding others
doesn’t mend all fences. We will
still disagree, still struggle.
Yet, I have found that few things give me the power to act lovingly than
the ability to empathize, to put myself in another’s shoes. Even if I come through the process
still disagreeing with that person, my heart towards them has changed. Let’s take a look at these five ways we
can do that.
1.
Remember The
Reason You Know What you Know
It is really easy once
in the thick of something, once things get real, once you’ve been given
perspective, to be angry at those who speak from a place lacking knowledge. They don’t know what they are talking
about.
Question is, did you
know better before you went through divorce?
I didn’t. I honestly didn’t know a ton about
divorce, separation, and remarriage until after I was left. Previous to that, I simply toed the “company
line.” If a pastor said something,
I likely believed it without much scrutiny. I knew that I valued marriage, and only believed divorce to
be acceptable in the most outlandish circumstances. It wasn’t talked about often, but when it was, I just
spouted the dogma fed to me. It
was easy to do, as I felt it protected me. The tough parts were for others to deal with so whatev. It had less to do with others and more
to do with me. I, like everyone,
wanted to feel safe. The idea of
being strict, maybe even ugly at times about divorce was born out of my own
fear that it would happen to me. Perhaps
if I could make marriage this steel trap, maybe even add things if necessary,
it would be worth it, okay, if I could protect myself from having mine fall
apart. If I could build a
construct and find another who shared such a view, surely it would prevent
it. It never occurred to me that I
was being hypocritical, ignorant, or that I could be hurting others in the
process. It never occurred to me
that I was going beyond the Bible, adding to it for my own sake. I am going to bet many of you are
probably the same, that your understanding of divorce has shifted as your eyes
have been opened by experience.
So, let’s remember that,
and let it give us some room for other’s not knowing, their lack of empathy. This doesn’t mean that we can’t admonish
or correct, or that we shouldn’t try to open eyes and hearts to truth. It just means we should do so with
understanding and loving hearts.
We should see ourselves before life taught us what we know and speak to
that person. I meant no harm
before. I was trying to protect
myself and I bet they are too.
2.
Cut Them
Some Slack
Divorce is beyond messy
to deal with. I remember one of my
best friends, Tanner, respond when I told him my ex-wife was leaving. He spoke what I needed to hear. He told me he had no advice to give,
that it was all beyond him, but that he loved me deeply and was there for
me. Was perfect. Most lack such wisdom and humility. We’ve all gone crazy hearing from fifty
people fifty different views on what is “definitely” Biblical. We’ve been told by dozens people “what
they would do” or how they “could never do” blah blah blah. We all know that they have no freaking
clue what they are talking about, that they’d probably act very differently
than what they “know they would do.”
It is even harder when it comes from the top. I remember hearing a prominent pastor preach a sermon on
marriage and divorce. At the end,
after admonishing everyone that divorce was not an option at all for
Christians, that, should his wife ever leave him he would spend the rest of his
days pursuing her. You and I know
that he doesn’t know what he is talking about, that that response is born of
affection of a loving relationship.
He can’t fathom the hurt that comes from thinking you know someone but
they change. It’s like they think
we all should have seen it coming.
They don’t know.
The sad truth is that
without experiencing it, there will always be ignorance on it, and no one wants
everyone to have to go through it.
That ignorance is regrettable, but in a way it is at least born of good
intentions. This doesn’t make it
excusable, but it should give us understanding as people who have been through
this.
3.
Recognize
Why You Scare Them
We have to see where
they are coming from, that they are scared. We scare them.
The reality of our lives scares them, as they hope not to share it. As a matter of fact, the more like them
you are, the more you love God, the more they will fear you, and are likely to
react harshly with you, for it makes them realize that their being good, their
loving God does not protect them from having a failed marriage. It breaks minds to see someone really
love Jesus get left. It shakes
their worldview, breaks apart the prosperity gospel they hold for
marriage. That breaking stirs up
denial, anger, fear, and it makes us tough to love at times. It’s wrong. It’s stupid. It
should change. Still, let’s do our
part though and love them anyway.
Let’s not let satan win by having bitterness take root. We have to be aware of what our lives
are doing to their worldview and wade through it lovingly.
4.
Show Up and
Share
Much of the way we are
treated isn’t going to change until we stop acting like second-class
Christians. We’re not. Some of us walked though divorce in
sin. Many have not. Regardless, we have to go to church, be
in the thick of it, and talk about it.
Now, we need not talk about it all the time, lest we become labeled,
defined by it. Yet, when the subject
comes up at church, the only people I hear talking are those have no experience
with it. What is usually said is
pretty ignorant, frankly, and those false walls of protection by those that are
scared just get stronger.
They need to know that
divorce is not always mutual. That
just because you went through a divorce doesn’t mean you wanted it or even
consented to it. Many just assume
that if you were divorced you are FOR divorce in some broad sweeping way. You get lumped into that group of
“others” who don’t respect marriage.
They need to see differently, see that you do respect marriage as much
as they do, that life is just messier than they know. It will help them be slower to judge. They need to hear your story, how
complicated it was. Maybe they
won’t change their minds completely or at all, but at least they will have
knowledge. They need to see that
life goes on, that divorce is not life defining. I have stopped checking the box for divorced on attendance
cards, and have started checking single instead. Why? Well,
because while I have been through a divorce, divorce is not my label, my
status. It was an event and not
one that gets to define the rest of my life. My marital status is single. If I want to share about that event in life I will do so in
the appropriate context.
They need to see that
even if you were wrong in divorcing your spouse that there is forgiveness, that
one season of sin doesn’t negate your love for God nor your ability to serve
Him. None of this is going to
happen if we who have been through it aren’t around and aren’t a part of the
conversation. Start talking. Yes, it is hard, and it will get ugly
at times, feelings will get hurt, but so be it. Good things are often born through difficulty. Understanding such a complicated and
tempestuous subject as divorce and remarriage is guaranteed to be so. Be brave. Be loving. Be
gentle. Be bold. Show up. Speak up.
5.
Be Okay With
Differing Beliefs About Yourself
No matter what you
decide to believe about your situation, someone will differ. If you believe you are not free to
remarry, there will be people who think you are legalistic and Phariseeic for
not allowing yourself something they see you to be free to do. If you believe yourself to be free to
remarry, there will be people who think you are not free. They might even call you an
adulterer. There will be people
who will agree that divorce is acceptable for certain reasons, but will
challenge yours should you have been the one who initiated. At the end of the day, you are not
going to change everyone’s minds.
All you can really hope for is love, and that does not mean
agreement. People can love you and
not agree with you. They do it any
way about a myriad of issues. You
just probably haven’t taken it so personally.
It hit me that right now
I disagree with most Christians about something. There are so many things to believe. When I meet any believer I find much
common ground, and much not. This
is why we have so many churches.
We are almost all reading the same book, yet we see certain details
differently, whether it be predestination and free will, infant baptism or
immersion, views of communion, the pope, the role of women in church, music,
and on and on it goes. Divorce and
remarriage are but one cog in the wheel of difficult subjects.
If we take it personally
every time someone disagrees with us we are petty and will always be upset, as
there will always be someone to disagree with us. Let’s let it go.
Speak your mind in boldness and gentleness. Listen when others speak theirs. Let iron sharpen iron, and love those who you disagree with
anyway. We’re called to love
everyone, not just those who see the world as we do, who agree with us on what
is Biblical. Admonish them to
share their views in meekness and love too when they are harsh.
I am sure there are many
other ways we can show love, but that is more than enough for now. I hope that your hearts and minds have
been encouraged. As always, you
are welcome to write me and talk, or to leave a comment as long as it is spoken
in love and gentleness.
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