It would be sad
enough if it were simply one person’s story of feeling unloved by the church
during or after divorce, but it isn’t.
What makes it truly sad is that I hear the same story over and over and
over, and not from people at one church, but many churches. This tells me it is not a problem with a
church, but the church.
Some of it is simply
people believing lies. I know that in my
own experience much of my hurt was my own sensitivity filling in the blanks. Also, many, many, many people treated me with
the utmost respect and kindness. Most
people, actually, were ridiculously fantastic.
Yet, at the end of the day, when every single person I know that has
gone through divorce comes to me with the same stories, it says something. It says what most of us already know, that
we don’t, as a church, do a great job of loving those who have gone through
divorce.
Thing is, I know it
is not the intent. I know in my heart of
hearts that divorce is tough. It is
complicated, messy, fraught with misperception, and so scary to most that not a
lot of thought is actually given to it, apart from the fact that it is scary
and we hate it. Just like anything, it
is very tough to love what we don’t understand.
If you haven’t already, you need to take some time to ask yourself some
questions about divorce, what you believe concerning it, and how you
communicate that in order to achieve what you desire, to bring glory to God by
loving those hurting.
Here are some ideas
that I have on how to love those like me whom have gone through divorce. These are my observations. They are not scientific, nor definitive, but
they come from experience, both my own, and that of many others. Hopefully you will at least be provoked to
thought. So, with no further delay, here
are some thoughts on how to show love to people whom have gone through divorce.
1. Don’t define them by their divorce.
Notice the wording in
the title above. Notice I didn’t say “Divorced
people”, or “The Divorced.” Sounds like
zombies. THE DIVORCED. Dum dum dum!
Why did I do that? I did so
because, even though the term is grammatically correct, it is definitive. Let me give you an example of what I am
meaning.
I recently visited a
church. Just like pretty much every
other church, this church greeted and invited all visitors to fill out an
information card so that they can record your attendance and reach out to
you. I filled out the card with the
usual information: name, address, email, etc.
At the bottom of the card was a section on marital status. They had five boxes: married, single,
separated, divorced, widowed. I checked
the box for divorced, but immediately found frustration in the question. I just kept thinking, “When do I get to not be
defined by this? Does this thing that I
did not do not want get to be my label?”
I tried to reason with myself that perhaps they were wanting the
information to reach out to those in need, but that didn’t make sense
either. There are thousands of issues to
address; yet none of them are asked.
There wasn’t a box for cancer survivor, infertile, drug addict,
alcoholic. There and then I decided that
unless it is a legal document, I am going to be checking the single box,
because while I have gone through divorce, that is not my definition. Single is.
Hear me say it
again. This may sound silly to you, but
the point is one everyone can understand.
Words have power. Your words have
power. This church meant zero ill
will. You don’t have to intend to hurt
someone to do so. True affection desires
to be considerate of the feelings of others.
It is impossible to do completely, but it is the heart that counts. There is a lot of value in trying.
The other way that we
don’t let people move on is by hurting for them beyond what is
appropriate. There is a season of hurt
that is reasonable. Yet, after a certain
point that expression of sorrow no longer comforts but constricts. I remember how much it meant to me those
first few months when people would hurt with me, mourn with me. They would see me, and their hearts
grieved. It showed on their faces. It let me know I was loved, that people cared
enough to hurt for me.
After about nine
months though, it started to get a little weird. I had healed a lot. I was ready to move forward. A smile was on my face. Contrary to popular Christian myth, divorce
is not death. Life was filling with good
things. I was ready to move on. Some others were not. Certain people in my life kept giving me the
face of grief even after I had told them many times how happy I was, how life
was good. I don’t know if they just
couldn’t believe it, or what. I don’t
know. I do know that it made me feel
like they weren’t okay with me moving on, like they wanted me to still be sad,
still defined by this awful thing.
Perhaps they did. One or two
people seemed downright incensed that I was not miserable “only” a year after
being left. Let it go. Maybe you would be miserable for years if it
happened to you, maybe not. There is no
arbitrary number of appropriate grief.
When the person shows
they are getting better and moving on, LET THEM. Not doing so tells them you are defining them
by that occurrence. Replace it with any
other hurt and it makes sense. You
wouldn’t make a rape victim check a box on an attendance card, nor would you
make them feel like they hadn’t hurt enough when they showed signs of
healing. You’d praise God and let it be.
2. Use the word “convinced” or “believe” instead of “is”
You might think that
divorce, separation, and remarriage is straightforward Biblically, especially
if you’ve stayed in the same church or church denomination for most of your
life. Most churches don’t come to the
table with much humility. I think there
is a pressure to have answers, and we start to use the word “is” when we
shouldn’t. There are some things in the
Bible that are abundantly clear, and there are many things that are not. Divorce is not an easy subject, no matter
what you’ve been told.
Saying that is like
saying the issue of God’s sovereignty and free will is simple. You can say that only with a great sense of
arrogance, for it is simply not true. I
am convinced of what I believe on all of the above. I am not advocating being wishy-washy, but
simply being aware of my own limitations.
I do not have the definitive answer on divorce, separation, and
remarriage, nor God’s sovereignty vs. free will, but I am convinced in what I
do believe. I also hold that belief with
an open hand, meaning I am willing to be shown I am wrong.
If you don’t believe
me, just go ask fifty different people what they believe is Biblical on any of
those above subjects and you will likely get fifty different answers. I had no idea how complex it was until I was
under the gun myself. Counseling was all
around me during that time, as there should have been. One of the most vexing parts of that time was
trying to decipher what God wanted, as literally everyone was telling me what
was Biblical and not, and the funny thing was no one agreed completely, and
everyone was even using the same verses.
It was a beautiful time of honesty between God and I, where I eventually
had to take in all the wisdom given to me, and take it to Him and listen.
If you want to tell
someone what you believe, great. Please
do so. People who are in the throws of
it will likely seek much counsel. It is
a tumultuous time. Tell them what you
think when it is appropriate. That is
good and right. Again, I challenge
you. When you do this, use the words “convinced”
and “believe” instead of is. They share
the firmness of your belief alongside the humility of a limited being that
really doesn’t know the answer 100%.
Your words will be received so much more fully. Even if you are right, by lacking humility
your words will likely fall on deaf ears.
3. Admit that you don’t know what is like, nor do
you know what you would do.
If I had a dime… Man, this happens so much! Happened to me, and happens to every person
thus far I have spoken with who shares my experience, and it hurts deeply. Because there is such a wide array on what
the Bible says and doesn’t on the issue, there are going to be disagreements,
and that is okay. We’re not all going to
have the same belief. Many of the
beliefs shared will be deeply held, and it is always personal with
marriage. No one takes it lightly, nor
should they. This doesn’t mean it is
okay to be rude.
A friend recently
told me how he was considering joining a church. Yet, he has struggled to do so, as he doesn’t
feel welcome there due to the pastor’s rhetoric over divorce. This particular church has a very tiny
window, almost not, of when it is acceptable to divorce and remarry. My friend married a woman who was sexually
unfaithful, and abandoned him. Yet, in
one sermon the preacher shared that he didn’t care, that he was tired of
hearing from those who have gone through divorce and were wanting to
remarry. They would come to him seeking
favor and such desire, and he had no intention of giving it. “People always come to me and tell me that I
don’t understand,” he said. “I tell them
the same thing, ‘You married her, bro., now deal with it.”
Does that sound
loving at all to you? If not, this kind
of attitude is espoused regularly at churches.
If he wants to believe what he does, so be it. My issue isn’t about his beliefs, it is about
love, and how to express it. That is not
tough love, that is rude. Truth is, he
doesn’t know, and if you’ve not experienced the person you love change on you
and leave you then you don’t either. It
is hard to fathom, but there weren’t any warning signs. Can you imagine that? It is hard, but it isn’t like when I married
Kathleen there was a sense of danger to it.
She was a pastor’s daughter, and I felt one hundred percent secure in my
marriage all the way up until right before she actually left. No one that knew her, no one, would have
thought it even remotely possible, not in a million years. Yet, those same people all watched in horror
as it unfolded, she changed. Every good,
Christian marriage holds such trust, yet statistics show that trust is only
well placed half the time. Think about
that. Don’t be arrogant and think that
everyone who has been left are idiots.
If you met the people I have, your jaw would drop. Some of the Godliest, loveliest, most devoted
people you will ever meet have been left.
You don’t know the
pain that accompanies being abandoned by a spouse. It is not just hurt. When listening to others, I find a common
expression of the feeling. It is that of
violation. It is a molestation of the
heart and soul. So, when you thump that
Bible and tell that person that just went through that hell that they need to
go hunt down, wait for, and cling to the one that left them, realize that what
you are asking is asking them to want to sleep and be with the person that has
violated them most deeply. Don’t make it
sound easy. Heck, maybe don’t say
it. We can get into thoughts on the
Bible and divorce another day. For now,
approach those who have gone through divorce with humility. If you want to share a belief, go for it, but
do so with meekness. Do so especially if
you are telling them something difficult.
If you believe the person doesn’t have Biblical freedom to remarry, then
you are surely free to express that, just do it in love, and really feel the
weight of your words. You just speak
them and walk away. For them, it is a
decision that affects everything. Don’t
let your dogma trump your ability to show love.
No comments:
Post a Comment