Sunday, January 1, 2012

2011 in Review

What was 2011 to you? Would you call it good? Bad? Probably both, right? Good or bad, each year brands itself on us differently.


For me, 2011 was the year of death's return. Now, I am not being morbid, just keep reading. In my life, previous to 2011, there had been a huge streak of life for me and my loved ones.


My grandfather died of cancer when I was ten. Since then, the only death I had tasted, was that of pets. It was life in a bubble. No one is stupid enough to not recognize death's hold on humanity, its inevitability. It is going to happen. Yet, with such a bubble of life around us, with no death to remind, the heart can become dulled to the full truth of it. 2011 saw both my grandparents on my father's side die.   My Daddy Jake died in February, and my Nanna followed him in death a couple of months later.


The bubble has burst. This is not a bad thing. In so many ways, life is evermore sweet. Death refreshes the awareness of what we have, disallows us to take for granted that which we had before. You will look into your mother's eyes, read the words of a friend, feel the brush of your spouse's hand against yours, and the knowledge that it will end will electrify everything. Your heart will seek that which will not end over that which will.


That is the bright side. The truth is, my heart is now and evermore in this life arrested. It will never again beat the same, for pieces of it are missing. Those of you who read this as metaphor are missing something, for the heart of which I speak is not physical, but spiritual. I will never be the same. Tears will sit behind my eyes, as I miss my Daddy Jake and Nanna to death. I want them near me. I want to see them, hug them, hear their stories. That ache will only be assuaged after I myself die and join them in heaven. In turn, missing them has made me miss all those I love in a way that I had not before. My longing for their nearness is all the more great.


All this might lead you to believe me morose, or that I hated this year. Do not take it so. It was a delicate and sweet year, filled with much greatness and genuine love and affection. My family has grown close through our grief. My relationship with the Lord has been up and down, but always growing. There is a hope that I have not felt in years. The hope is that God is going to continuing to mold me in the truth. He is not going to let me go. 2012 is going to be a new year of hope. This year is the year that I really begin to understand that God does loves me, He delights in me, and not just tolerates me.  My hope for 2012 is as deep and as vast the Ocean.

2 comments:

  1. It was both good and bad! I want to say mostly bad until the Lord brings to mind ALL the wonderful things He brought about last year. So mostly good with some very difficult moments - like losing Nana and Daddy Jake until we meet again in heaven -but the main point is - we WILL meet again! Thanks be to God! Literally

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