Yes, writing that title was fun.
I am constantly asking myself what it is that I want. This seems to be a simple question to most people, but I don't think it is. Our wants and desires are complex. They overlap each other. My desire to do what ever it is that I want often collides with my desire to please God, family, friends, etc. Some desires return short term pleasures, but can almost immediately bring about pain. My momentary desire to feed my lust or anger will surely bring about a split second of pleasure, but lasting pain as a consequence. Other pleasures are only had by wading through pain first. My desire to serve God has surely been fraught with trial and difficulty, but is the most rewarding.
What I have been reminded of these last few days out here at the ranch, is a certain balance. On one hand, I am constantly reminded that I cannot let my emotions dictate what I think, believe, or do. This was the mark of my youth. One of the ultimate marks of God's maturation of me is, as I grow older, that I have become quicker to see and react to the lie that because I feel something, that I must react on it.
The other side, and this is the one O struggle with the most, is that, while emotions shouldn't dictate you, they are important. Without desire, what are you? Is that not what God ultimately desires from you Himself? It isn't actions or deeds, it is desire itself, which then brings about actions and deeds naturally. Isn't that what God demands of us with each other, that we would desire Him through others, through nature? Surely it is.
Our wants are definitely important. After ten years of wilderness, these questions mark me still. I have answered them and forgotten again and again. Each time I get stronger in the truth though. Each time I understand a little more. Each time the fight gets easier.
We also know that our desires and feelings are important when we think about what we want from other people. Ultimately, it is not deeds or actions. Kisses can be empty, food can be served vainly, gifts can be given begrudgingly. We desire other people's desire. We want others to be important to us, and to be important to others.
I hope I have not painted a self serving portrait. It is not my intent. I am simply sharing my thoughts. God is the ultimate. He is the reason I live. If I have given any other idea through these words, then my words have failed to convey the truth of my heart. My desire is to grow closer to God. It is that I often find that my idea of what I thought God wanted from me was wrong. That is my real question. What does God want, expect from me? That is what I want to know. I don't want to assume I have the whole answer. I find that I know, but only in part, not in full, and that is where my questions are, in the rest. I will not know fully in this life, but I will try my best to know as fully as I can.
I am constantly asking myself what it is that I want. This seems to be a simple question to most people, but I don't think it is. Our wants and desires are complex. They overlap each other. My desire to do what ever it is that I want often collides with my desire to please God, family, friends, etc. Some desires return short term pleasures, but can almost immediately bring about pain. My momentary desire to feed my lust or anger will surely bring about a split second of pleasure, but lasting pain as a consequence. Other pleasures are only had by wading through pain first. My desire to serve God has surely been fraught with trial and difficulty, but is the most rewarding.
What I have been reminded of these last few days out here at the ranch, is a certain balance. On one hand, I am constantly reminded that I cannot let my emotions dictate what I think, believe, or do. This was the mark of my youth. One of the ultimate marks of God's maturation of me is, as I grow older, that I have become quicker to see and react to the lie that because I feel something, that I must react on it.
The other side, and this is the one O struggle with the most, is that, while emotions shouldn't dictate you, they are important. Without desire, what are you? Is that not what God ultimately desires from you Himself? It isn't actions or deeds, it is desire itself, which then brings about actions and deeds naturally. Isn't that what God demands of us with each other, that we would desire Him through others, through nature? Surely it is.
Our wants are definitely important. After ten years of wilderness, these questions mark me still. I have answered them and forgotten again and again. Each time I get stronger in the truth though. Each time I understand a little more. Each time the fight gets easier.
We also know that our desires and feelings are important when we think about what we want from other people. Ultimately, it is not deeds or actions. Kisses can be empty, food can be served vainly, gifts can be given begrudgingly. We desire other people's desire. We want others to be important to us, and to be important to others.
I hope I have not painted a self serving portrait. It is not my intent. I am simply sharing my thoughts. God is the ultimate. He is the reason I live. If I have given any other idea through these words, then my words have failed to convey the truth of my heart. My desire is to grow closer to God. It is that I often find that my idea of what I thought God wanted from me was wrong. That is my real question. What does God want, expect from me? That is what I want to know. I don't want to assume I have the whole answer. I find that I know, but only in part, not in full, and that is where my questions are, in the rest. I will not know fully in this life, but I will try my best to know as fully as I can.
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