Fighting the Lie

After a week at the ranch, I am back in Dallas.  Up to this point, the plan has been to have the book completely polished before trying to have it published.  Yet, on my way home yesterday, I changed my mind.  Most books that get published are not finished when submitted.  Often, only a few chapters are.  Perhaps I have simply been scared.  I don't know.  But, it is time to try to get it published.  I have been given a contact at a Christian Literary Agency through a friend.  So, I went to go research what needs to be done.  During my research, I was moved by two things.  One is that I felt so hopeful.  For one, I have a contact, something they require.  On the other hand, Satan has been diligent in reminding me of my professional frustration.  Thus far, God has chosen to humble me, and to teach me to lean on Him.  I have not been established in a profession.  I applied to over a hundred film jobs in Austin after graduation, and never got a single call of interest, just silence.  So, out of need, I got my videography job at Labatt, which I was a huge blessing, but was also a miserable experience.  We pulled up everything to move to Ireland in hopes of being a part of the ministry there.  We were not a fit with the organization.  A year was spent jobless upon return.  I applied twice to and was rejected by InterVarsity.  My photography business has been a huge disappointment.  All of these things happened for a reason.  The battle I now face is to keep on, to not let Satan use those events to make me believe something that isn't true... a.)that God wants what is bad for me, and b.) that no matter how hard I try, I will never be rewarded or established in a profession.

I confess that I am battling self pity.  Good news is that God as been faithful to reveal the lie, and reveal my struggle, that I might fight it openly.

So, here is my request.  Please pray that I might continue on with courage, that I would overcome my fear, and not only act with faith on the outside, but have it be realized on the inside as well.  Pray that I would indeed be established in work, that I would find something that provides a living while also providing purpose.  Pray that God would guide my mind and my hand in creating the manuscript for this Agent.  Pray that his heart would already be moved and be molded to accept my book, that he would see its value and pick me up as an author for publishing.  Pray that my understanding of God's will would be true.  I don't want to believe falsely that God is a genie, or that submission to Him will dissolve my struggle.  Yet, on the other hand, I don't want to believe the lie that my life is only meant for frustration and pain, that God is only interested in me suffering.  This is a very real lie to my heart after ten plus years of depression.  

Lord, you are mighty.  You are wonderful.  You are holy.  You are wonderful.  May your will be carried out all across the Earth.  Father, give your saints the ability to defend and clarify your love in the face of the shooting in Oslo.   May your name not be smeared.  May the truth be known.  No one who is yours would do such a thing.  Give clarity to the minds of those who wonder.  Feed those who are hungry father.  Clothe the naked.  Stir the hearts of us who have to share what we have.  Give us eyes to see our wealth, and a burden for those who are not.  Speak through your people.  Let us not as individuals or as a group be weak.  May those who love you be bold in love, not hardening their hearts under the guise of guarding.  May we see the distinction and live in opposite of it.  Be with my friends and family Lord.  Show them favor in your eyes, for I love them.  Never let go of them.  Bring about whatever means is necessary, pleasant or painful to keep them and myself running to you.  May we enjoy your creation in its proper context, always pointing back to You.  You are why we live.  I pray all of this is the name of your son, Jesus Christ, amen.