A Rough Day. Praise God.

Today has been a day of trial.  We have one car that worked, and now it too has failed.  This has deep implications for our future.  Will I have to get another job on top of the ones I already have?  How are we to get transportation?  In Dallas, Texas there is no way to walk around.  Everything is far apart. 

What are we going to do?  This weighed heavily upon my heart today.  Yet, God has been really faithful to bring me along side Him.  I am so very quick to complain, to turn on God in struggle, at least for a bit, then God brings me back.  Yet, I have strived for God to bring to a place where I don’t have to fall first, where His glory is shown from the off.  I have begged Him for that.  Today He was faithful in doing so.  My heart, while deeply troubled, was able to stop and look to God and just pray and be thankful for what I already have. 

The car died right before I was supposed to go put a check in the bank.  I pulled into our apartment complex, and looked at the clock.  I had thirty minutes to jog the two miles to the nearest bank.  I got Basil’s leash on him, and we made it with five minutes to spare, walking up to the drive through ATM.  Let’s just say he was one tired pup by the time we got back. 

On an encouraging note.  As God sanctifies me in dealing with my idleness, I wrote eight pages of my book today.  I have only to edit two more chapters before I am finished.  God is faithful!!  Oh, how I long to spread His name and glory.  Only, I don’t know how.  I just keep begging Him to use me.

Then at church tonight, my heart was heavy.  A deep and resounding sadness filled me.  All I could do was try to sing my heart out, and tell God how great He is.  As I sat there in the sermon, I was pummeled by the knowledge of just how hard my heart is, how I long to love, but often find myself cynical and cold.  Over and again I just begged God to give me my hearts deepest desires, the ones so deep I cannot express them.  That I would utterly amazed and surprised by His grace.  How excited I am to know that my heart is in the hands of the almighty God.  That He works for my good, and that He will soften it in His own time.  Until then, I can just cry out again and again, and again. 

So, I end the night with longing for God and His glory.  I sit here right now with a heart of deep and true sadness and loss, and see God’s grace and mercy and love in it.  Such a silent pain.  May my sorrow glorify Him, and in His time may I have the true desires of my heart.