Write

The last few days have been wonderful.  I finished the second draft of my book, and was finally able to get it into the hands of a few people to read through it, give me some feedback, so that I can give it one more edit before pursuing publishing.  A huge piece of me feels fulfilled.  

Starting back from the time of being a child, I have had stories floating in my head.  If I take it back further than stories, what I have had is an insatiable desire to share.  When I felt something great, I wanted to share it.  Sometimes this has been something to overcome not celebrate, but for the most part, it has been a blessing.  That longing to have other people share in the things that have brought me joy, that have moved me, has never let me go.  

Now looking back, I see the tie in everything I have done.  It has all been to tell stories.  Video, photography, film, music, drawing, all of it was there to try and share those wonderful things that I have experienced, to hopefully make people emote.  

Writing has been an answer to over a decade of prayer.  Back in the early years of high school, I would yearn to write, to share the stories that were slowly piling up in my head.  Yet, I was unable.  I was too impatient, too ADD.  I would write a page, maybe less, then get bored with writing as a process, and quit.  This happened again and again.  So, I would beg God to give me the patience and focus necessary to write, that I might be able to enjoy Him in such a manner.  

After a few years of trying unsuccessfully to write, I moved on to more immediate story telling mediums.  Video was much quicker.  I could set things up and go.  I didn't have to spend hours finding the right words to describe someone, I just stuck them in front of a camera.  However, the problem I ran into with video and film is this... that you need a whole lot of help.  Watch the credits for the Lord of the Rings movies.  It takes almost as much time to finish them as it does the movie.  Half of New Zealand helped.  In order to create the stories I saw in my head, I would have to have millions upon millions of dollars of help.  

Photography is a wonderful, and I will always do it, but it is too momentary for me.  I love the moments, and they do speak loudly, but their narrative is one almost entirely of suggestion.

So, I celebrate something immense.  God has answered my prayers.  I begged Him to make me a man who could write a book, tell a story, and by His grace, I have done so.  Not only that, but I cannot wait to start on my next one.  I long to write.  It has been a complete joy to get to do so.  I can only hope that I will get to continue to do so, and hopefully that I will get paid to do so, that I might be able to focus.  Whatever happens, I want to thank God right now with a warm heart for allowing me to write.  To Him be all glory!  

P.S. I would love to read what you would write.

Grace and Joy

The grace of God is so hard to really understand.  God has been in the process of showing me what it means for years, and I am still being shown just how much deeper it goes.  This year in particular has been huge in these terms.

I feel like something that is a common struggle for those who were raised in the church, given a desire to please God at a young age, you are going to make a lot of hidden internal mistakes. I know that for me, spent much of my youth tied up in knots because of my immaturity mixed with self righteousness.  I'll never forget the moment where someone I trusted helped me understand that people don't need me to be perfect (a lie I believed as a child).  Known as a goody goody kid, I remember immense fear of falling short.  If people knew I sinned, it would weaken them.  Ridiculous and arrogant words, I know, but that was the struggle.  I remember a mentor telling me that it was necessary for people to know you struggle, that otherwise you are perpetuating a lie, one that will cause people to think they can attain salvation through works.

It is amazing how often grace has been overlooked in my life.  Just as I think I have it, I begin to rest and rejoice in what has been done for me, I start to twist the truth around, and figure out some other way to try to earn it again.  One of the biggest things I have come to understand this year, is that Jesus really did love me first.  This is something I said a million times before, but never really lived.  Jesus loved me before He saved me, before I was able to please Him.  I did not earn His love, I have not earned His love, I cannot ever earn His love.  It was given freely and is freely kept.  A sermon a while back made the point that most of us who long for God believe we have been given favor, yet we secretly try to please God with works because we fear that He will take His favor back. That was surely me, and often still is.

God is continuously showing me that I have nothing to give, and I keep trying to tell Him otherwise.  The good news is that God is faithful, and that He is opening the eyes of my heart at His own pace.  He is showing me I have nothing He needs, that I can let my heart rest, for there is nothing left to earn.  Just yesterday, I was shown a truth I have held in my heart, and it is this... that yes, I have believed that the standard was perfection, and no one can live up to it.  So, God saved us, lowering the bar so that we can be nearly perfect, and thus earn God's affection!!!???!!!!  What???!!!  Where did I get this?  I know the answer is my own broken heart that longs to be god of my own life, but just intellectually, I look at that and think, "How did I believe that?  What ridiculousness do I now believe that I will soon disdain?"  Praise God for showing me this, for it has brought me much joy.  Unable to earn anything, I am now free to worship the Giver.  And praise Him I shall.  I will rest in His grace.  The Father will look at me and see me without blemish, because He will see Jesus' sacrifice in place of my sin.  (Mind explodes with amazement!)

Psalm 37:4 ESV

Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.