I feel like something that is a common struggle for those who were raised in the church, given a desire to please God at a young age, you are going to make a lot of hidden internal mistakes. I know that for me, spent much of my youth tied up in knots because of my immaturity mixed with self righteousness. I'll never forget the moment where someone I trusted helped me understand that people don't need me to be perfect (a lie I believed as a child). Known as a goody goody kid, I remember immense fear of falling short. If people knew I sinned, it would weaken them. Ridiculous and arrogant words, I know, but that was the struggle. I remember a mentor telling me that it was necessary for people to know you struggle, that otherwise you are perpetuating a lie, one that will cause people to think they can attain salvation through works.
It is amazing how often grace has been overlooked in my life. Just as I think I have it, I begin to rest and rejoice in what has been done for me, I start to twist the truth around, and figure out some other way to try to earn it again. One of the biggest things I have come to understand this year, is that Jesus really did love me first. This is something I said a million times before, but never really lived. Jesus loved me before He saved me, before I was able to please Him. I did not earn His love, I have not earned His love, I cannot ever earn His love. It was given freely and is freely kept. A sermon a while back made the point that most of us who long for God believe we have been given favor, yet we secretly try to please God with works because we fear that He will take His favor back. That was surely me, and often still is.
God is continuously showing me that I have nothing to give, and I keep trying to tell Him otherwise. The good news is that God is faithful, and that He is opening the eyes of my heart at His own pace. He is showing me I have nothing He needs, that I can let my heart rest, for there is nothing left to earn. Just yesterday, I was shown a truth I have held in my heart, and it is this... that yes, I have believed that the standard was perfection, and no one can live up to it. So, God saved us, lowering the bar so that we can be nearly perfect, and thus earn God's affection!!!???!!!! What???!!! Where did I get this? I know the answer is my own broken heart that longs to be god of my own life, but just intellectually, I look at that and think, "How did I believe that? What ridiculousness do I now believe that I will soon disdain?" Praise God for showing me this, for it has brought me much joy. Unable to earn anything, I am now free to worship the Giver. And praise Him I shall. I will rest in His grace. The Father will look at me and see me without blemish, because He will see Jesus' sacrifice in place of my sin. (Mind explodes with amazement!)
Psalm 37:4 ESV
Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.
"The Father will look at me and see me without blemish, because He will see Jesus' sacrifice in place of my sin."
ReplyDeleteYes, even though I've heard this many times before over the years, the way you have put it above Nick makes it very difficult not to say 'Wow!'