Monday, August 6, 2012

Matthew 5:3

It seems like there is this notion that being a Christian means knowing what to say or do at all times.  There feels like an onus to know what God is thinking, what He is doing.  Truth is, we don't always know what God is doing and thinking.  We know the result, but not the process.  Even the most ardent of us, those of us who know that pain and God coexist struggle with why at times.

Lately, I have been struggling with this myself.  I have been weak.  All I have been able to "bring to the table" is to cry out and ask for help.  Half the time I am doing so with anger in my tone, with a twinge of bitterness in the back of throat.  The only thing I can do is continue to cry out for help.  My rest comes in the verse, Matthew 5:3, "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."  Well, I am bankrupt in spirit. 

This morning I arose, and ceased to complain verbally.  In the face of my pain and struggle, I have taken my voice to God, like Job, David, or Habbakuk.  In the end, like Job, all I can do is trust that He does in fact love me, that this present suffering is not in comparison to the joy ahead.  I don't want to be like the ones in the parable of the seeds that stop believing in the face of persecution and suffering.  So, I am just singing in the face of it.  All morning long praise has been on my lips, and in doing so, my heart has softened.  I have had to remember the many good things, remember God's goodness, and all that He has done. 

I share this to let you know that you are not alone in hurting, that though my life has been devoted to God, pain still hurts, and struggle is still real.  Praise be to God that He is faithful.  I don't know why He does everything the way He does them, but I don't have to.  I'm just a man.  I am making a stand in my weakness, and will continue to cry out and sing His praises, and my hope will grow, as it has been all morning.  May our eyes ever fix on what is eternal, on Christ Jesus, and His love for us.  Amen.

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