God and the Spouse-Shaped Hole

 A young woman lingers after church.  Slowly but surely, the rows empty, bringing more and more attention to her stillness.  An older woman in the church walks up to her and asks what’s wrong. 

“I’m just so lonely,” the girl says.  “I am so tired of being alone.  Everyone else is going out to celebrate Valentine’s Day.  I will be at home… alone… again.”

The older woman replies, “Honey, God made you with a spouse-shaped hole in your heart.  You need to let God fill that for you.”

The girl smiles at the thought.  This wise woman has just given her the secret to not hurting anymore, to not feeling lonely.  Let God fill that hole.  She thanks the woman, gets up, and starts to walk triumphantly out of the sanctuary.  Only, she doesn’t even make it to the door before that loneliness sets back in, before the hurt comes back.  Before she just felt lonely.  Now, she feels lonely, and guilty.  If only her faith were stronger.  If only her relationship with the Lord was more intimate, then she would be able to do as the woman said, and let God fill that spouse shaped hole.  Yet, her heart still burns for a man to have and to hold.  She drives home lonely and guilt-ridden.

Let’s contrast that story with this one…

Genesis 2:18-25

18 Then the LORD God said, "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him."

19 Now out of the ground the LORD God had formed every beast of the field and every bird of the heavens and brought them to the man to see what he would call them. And whatever the man called every living creature, that was its name.

20 The man gave names to all livestock and to the birds of the heavens and to every beast of the field. But for Adam there was not found a helper fit for him.

21 So the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh.

22 And the rib that the LORD God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man.

23 Then the man said, "This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man."

24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

25 And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

Adam was created first.  Now, Adam got to walk in the Garden WITH GOD.  That isn’t a spiritual truth.  He literally walked with God in the garden.  Now, catch this… God is the one who says, “It is not good for man to be alone, I will make him a helper fit for him.” 

Did God mess up?  Did He intend to make man to just need Him, and then goof up?  We know it isn’t true.  God, from the very beginning designed us to need someone of the opposite sex to be our mate, our spouse.  Think about the fact that God didn’t say to Adam, “How dare you be lonely!  You are walking with me, the one true God!”  He doesn’t tell Adam, “Hey, I know you are lonely, let me fill that gap in your heart for you.”  Does He?  He first gives Adam all the animals and has him name them, THEN He creates Eve.  I can’t say this for sure.  The Bible is not explicit here, so know that this is just me pondering when I say that it SEEMS that God has the animals come first, and makes Adam wait, in order to draw stark contrast to the greatness that would be woman when she arrived.    Like I said, that last bit is just me wondering. 

There is only one thing that can fill that spouse-shaped hole in your heart… a spouse.  So, what comfort are we to have in our loneliness if it is not that God will fill that hole?  We take the same comfort that we take when facing any pain…

Romans 8:18-30

18 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.

19 For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God.

20 For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope

21 that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God.

22 For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now.

23 And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies.

24 For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees?

25 But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.

26 Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.

27 And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.

28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

29 For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers.

30 And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified.

If we love God, and are called according to His purpose, then we know that whatever happens will work for our good.  We have to remember that God’s definition of good doesn’t mean easy, or pleasant in this life.  Paul, in the beginning tells us he considers his present suffering nothing in comparison, and his suffering was enormous! 

God made us with many holes in our heart.  There’s one for friends, siblings, mothers, fathers, spouses, and more.  God doesn’t promise to fill those holes, to take away your need your desire for those relationships.  He promises purpose to your suffering.  He promises eternal purpose!  Remember that, when we say that “God is all we need” that we are speaking of an eternal truth.  It is an ultimate statement.  Ultimately, all we need is God, as all else fades away.  However, underneath that ultimate truth, God made us to need things… not for salvation, but for survival, for delight, for joy.  God made us to need food to survive.  Does one come to know the Father through Jesus, then cease to need food entirely?  Surely not.  All these other holes are designed to point us toward God, including the one shaped for our spouse.

So, when the wind blows cold across that gaping hole in our hearts, we need not to try to fill it with God, when God designed it to be filled with something else.  We need not feel guilty that we are lonely, for our loneliness is in accordance with God’s design for us.  Perhaps God’s plan is for that hole to remain empty, either for a while, or perhaps for the rest of our life on this Earth, for any number of reasons.  Perhaps He wants to teach you to persevere?  To be patient?  Perhaps to draw contrast to the greatness that will one day be the experience of being with your spouse?

What we can do is be content (remember, contentment is not a lack of desire, but a state of thankfulness that comes from recognizing what we truly deserve… hell, as compared to what we have been given) and we can do as Paul did in prison… thank God.  We can praise Him in the face of our great hurt, our pain.  How much sweeter and truer are those praises when they are given in such times, when it is not easy.  If you are lonely, then thank God for what He has given you, that those things so outweigh your current grief, that, though it doesn’t stop your grief, it gives it purpose. 

Rewind.  The girl shares her pain.  This time, though, the woman shares the story of Adam and Eve, and all that entails.  The older woman shares God’s purpose in the face of pain.  This time, the girl gets up, and walks out the door, the pain of loneliness still palpable in her heart.  That pain doesn’t go away.  No.  Instead, there is another feeling that comes along side it.   With the knowledge she now has that her pain has purpose, that it isn’t an accident, that it isn’t there because she is a failure as Christian… she feels peace.  As she drives home, she dreams of that man she hopes to one day have and hold.  Where there was anger and confusion before, there is now thankfulness and clarity.  God has already given her so much!  It is okay for her to ache for that someone, to hope for their arrival.  Inside her heart she prays, thanking God, then relinquishing her desires to Him, including her desire for a husband.  She will serve Him and love Him no matter what.  Her life is His.  Amen.  She turns on some music and, through her loneliness, sings praise to God.