This will probably be awkward, but oh well. I am going to do a little role playing here, and pretend my name is Ted Snupindiztel. Don't mock my name, we Snupinditzels are a proud people with lineage that goes all the way back to King Von Snupinditzel of Germany. If you're wondering, yes, the name was changed when my ancestors came over to America, to make it easy to say. Good thinking, eh? Anyhow...
We are going to play a very old, popular game. I am going to paste a verse...
Proverbs 4:23 ESV
The game is, to look at this verse, disregard the context of the paragraph surrounding, and the greater context of the Bible as a whole, and make it say what you want it to.
Most people will recognize the essence of this verse and think, "Isn't this the 'guard your heart' verse"? It is. Funny, it looks a bit different in the English Standard Version, doesn't it? Well, that is a part of the game as well. If you don't like what one translation says, find another that sounds closer to what you are looking for. Here...
Proverbs 4:23 NIV
That is better. The word guard is better. Not that I know ancient Greek. Simply, the word guard fits the way I have heard it used before, which is in the context of dating, and falling in love. You know what though? I just can't help myself. I have been called to understand the whole Bible, so, I want to understand greater this wonderful verse on dating. Here goes...
Proverbs 4:18-27
18 But the path of the righteous is like the light of dawn, which shines brighter and brighter until full day.
(scratched head) I don't understand. This doesn't seem to be about dating at all. All of the verses are warning against evil, sin, or turning away from righteousness. Not a single one tells me that I shouldn't date someone. I have been hiding behind this verse for years, pushing possible suitors away, and for what? Is being heart broken a sin? There's got to be some guide as to what is evil. I think I remember something in Corinthians 6. (flips to Corinthians 6)
Corinthians 6:9-10
9 Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality,
10 nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.
(Puzzled look on face) Sexually immoral, drunkard... This list of sins, list of what is evil, and nothing about my heart getting hurt by dating someone. Come to think of it. Why is it sinful to be hurt by someone before marriage but not after? They are always telling us marriage is hard, that we will hurt each other. Am I to guard my heart from my spouse? Come to think of it, why is it only limited to possible suitors? I get hurt by friends, by my family, by coworkers, and no one has told me to stop loving them, to guard my heart from them. Why not? Why has everyone chosen to single out dating as the only relationship this applies to? I kept myself from opening up to that girl in high school all because my youth pastor told me to guard my heart! I told her I was dating Jesus! I am not even sure what that even means! What is going on here?
Let me read it again...
Proverbs 4:18-27
18 But the path of the righteous is like the light of dawn, which shines brighter and brighter until full day.
NO! NOT ONE THING ABOUT DATING! It is very clear that this is about "keeping", "guarding" my heart from sin, and has nothing to do with walling up my heart against others. Now that I think about, aren't we commanded to love others? Doesn't that mean opening myself up to hurt? It does. I know it. Why in the world would so many people make me believe this verse meant something it does not?
What is a verse about love? Oh yeah, 1 Corinthians 13! (Flips the pages)
1 Corinthians 13:4-13
8 Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away.
11 When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.
12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.
13 So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
Love endures all things? Even hurt? Even heartache? It bears all things? It isn't just easy and simple? How was I ever supposed to love wholly if I was being told to guard my heart against a part of what love is supposed to bear, to endure? Love does not insist on my own way? What? I thought dating was all about being really proud and choosy and snobby, sifting through the dross of humanity to find my little princess. I thought it was okay to treat those pursuing me, or those I am pursuing differently than all others. The mantle of meekness of humility, of patience, or love, were all waived for this one season.
Now that I think about it, isn't dating supposed to be a preparation for marriage, to see if the one I am dating is the one I am supposed to marry? Well, you surely don't always get your way in marriage, so why would I demand getting my way in dating? What makes me think I am not the dross of humanity, and in fact the knight in shining armor? If people knew my thoughts, they wouldn't speak to me ever again.
Okay, this is obviously ridiculously over the top. No one talks like this, nor should they. It wasn't really a true monologue. It is a very simple, silly, but I think effective tool used to help us (yes, doing this helped me clarify the very thoughts I was writing about) to clarify our understanding of this abused concept. This verse has been quoted so many times next to dating, it is crazy. I go to crosswalk.com constantly, and I love their articles. Yet, when it comes to dating, every article throws this verse out as a means of keeping Christian singles wary of dating, for fear of running the risk of getting hurt.
Guard your heart. Guard your heart. Guard your heart. Yet, I have yet to hear it used in any other context besides that of sin, which then begs the question... are you equating getting hurt in love with sin? If so, you are wrong. It is a guarantee that hurt will accompany love. I have never heard anyone tell someone else to guard their heart against their parents, because they could get hurt. In fact, we would be challenged to love them with patience, to bear with them.
Now, I am not espousing being stupid, and just throwing your heart around recklessly. Dating CAN lead to sin. But, dating as a thing, is amoral. It can bring you closer to God (sometimes the ones that hurt actually do this more than the pleasant ones, do they not?), or they can tear you away from God. If your dating relationship is not bringing you closer to God, but tearing you away, then run. However, tearing away doesn't mean not perfect. Your dating relationship will not be perfect, as neither you or the other are perfect. You will be tempted sexually. You will tempted to idolize. You will be tempted in many ways. You will indeed fall into some of those temptations. The question is not, "Do I ever struggle in sin with this person," but "ON THE WHOLE, does this person bring me closer to God, do they stir my heart's affection for Him and His people? Am I being sanctified (which more often than not comes about through pain)?" If you can't overcome your lust, get married or run. Marriage is indeed the greatest tool of sanctification I have known. Two broken people bind themselves together, not in perfection, but in brokenness, that you might sharpen each other like iron.
If you don't find someone attractive, then don't date them. Usually it is less black and white than that. Usually, we are attracted to them, but not sure if they are the one we want to commit to. It's more like percentile than pass/fail. That's okay. You don't have to marry anyone. Not ever.
My challenge to you, if you are single and long to be married (which is 99 percent of single people), and are not called to singleness (I want to talk about this some other time, as it is very interesting) is to just be honest, with yourself, and with others who spout this verse when talking about dating. Don't manipulate scripture to hide. It is never an okay thing to do. Not ever. The truth of scripture is to always be discovered and learned, not made. There are no exceptions, no "white lies" when it comes to the manipulation of scripture. Good intentions don't make manipulating scripture okay. Don't like what scripture says? Tough. I wish I could fly, but gravity is still there.
If you like someone, don't hide. Be bold. Yes, you may get hurt. In fact, it is guaranteed you'll get hurt. Even if you end up married, with a long wonderful marriage, you will still go through hurt. Getting hurt because you loved someone and it didn't work out is not a sin. Don't believe me? Great. Read the Bible yourself. That's even better. If getting hurt is a sin, then you need to cut all ties, not just dating ones, and prepare to be very, very lonely and miserable.
Keep your heart FROM SIN. Guard your heart FROM SIN. But, open your heart, buffered by discernment that comes from a knowledge of the truth of scripture though the outpouring of the Holy Spirit.
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