My Soul at Hazard

“I was sheriff of this county when I was 25 years old. Hard to believe. My grandfather was a lawman. Father too. Me and him was sheriffs at the same time, him up in Plano and me out here. I think he’s pretty proud of that. I know I was.

“Some of the old-time sheriffs never even wore a gun. A lot of folks find that hard to believe. Jim Scarborough never carried one. That’s the younger Jim. Gaston Boykins wouldn’t wear one up in Comanche County.

“I always liked to hear about the old-timers. Never missed a chance to do so. You can’t help but compare yourself against the old-timers. Can’t help but wonder how they’d have operated these times.

“There’s this boy I sent to the electric chair at Huntsville here a while back. My arrest and my testimony. He killed a 14-year-old girl. Paper said it was a crime of passion, but he told me there wasn’t any passion to it. Told me he’d been planning to kill somebody for about as long as he could remember. Said if they turned him out, he’d do it again. Said he knew he was going to hell. Be there in about 15 minutes.

“I don’t know what to make of that. I surely don’t. The crime you see now, it’s hard to even take its measure. It’s not that I’m afraid of it. I always knew you had to be willing to die to even do this job. But I don’t want to push my chips forward and go out and meet something I don’t understand. A man would have to put his soul at hazard. He’d have to say, ‘OK. I’ll be part of this world.’”

—   Sheriff Ed Tom Bell from No Country for Old Men

I’m just going to shoot straight here and tell you that life has been pummeling me as of late.  It’s not just one thing.  It’s a general barrage of first world hardship and disappointment.  Now, when I say first world I’m just giving some global context, not saying that my pain hurts less because of it.  It’s been hard.  Job’s been hard.  People’ve been hard.  And as usual, I've been less than stellar at making things better myself.  It’s just the times for me. 

And I have to say, that because of it my fingers have been slower to flip through the word of God.  Haven’t even wanted to say His name out loud much.

It isn’t that I’m angry.  If anything I am disturbed by how calm I’ve been, how easily I’ve turned over.  No.  It’s fear.  There’s a caution inside me when I start reaching for the Bible, a catch in my mouth for words of praise towards Him.  I’m just so tired of being pummeled that I’m downright scared to shake the hornet’s nest anymore.  I can hear inside me being whispered, “Just keep it to your self.  You can love God.  Just hold it inside you.  The Gospel is great, but let other people share it.  Take a breath.  Focus on getting by.  Don’t put your soul at hazard any longer.”

Each passing day has seen pieces of me flake off out of necessity.  Shed that optimism in order to cope with the disappointment.  Slough off that hope.  It just leads to more pain. 

The whole thing has just about shut me up.  There doesn’t feel to be a whole lot left of me in there.  But… there are some things, some good things, no, great things, things too good, that keep rattling the cage that seems to surround my heart.  They shout inside me, “Wake up!  Fight!” 

So fight I must, for I cannot bear to disappear any further.  Hope must be and grow.  And, my passion to share the gospel will not be curtailed.  Stopping telling people about God?  Might as well die.  What’s the point otherwise?  That’d be like never saying I love you to those you love ever again, and that just isn’t going to happen.  

I'm going to double up and believe it'll be okay, that there is a purpose to this mess.  After all, I was warned by God himself.  Shame on me for ever thinking it was going to be anything other than hard.  God didn't let the cup pass from His own son, Jesus.  Why would I think he'd pass this cup, an infinitely smaller one, from me?

Strength may not be there.  Right now it’s mostly bark, but I’m swinging.  I’m swinging for hope, for a life that’s more than just okay.  This weight need not crush me, nor will it… in Jesus’ name.  I invite anyone who feels moved to do so please pray for me in this, that my heart would not fail, that dreams would not cease, that disappointment would not overrun me.  Like the Psalmist, may I press on in faith, trust, and hope.  I will pray the same for you.

Psalm 84:8-12

8 O LORD God of hosts, hear my prayer; give ear, O God of Jacob! Selah

9 Behold our shield, O God; look on the face of your anointed!

10 For a day in your courts is better than a thousand elsewhere. I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of wickedness.

11 For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly.

12 O LORD of hosts, blessed is the one who trusts in you!

Kingdom Now!!!!

Every time I say this phrase in my head I hear it in the way George Costanza from Seinfeld famously shouted, “Serenity Now!”  Only, I am not shouting “serenity now,” but “kingdom now.” 

Why am I shouting this?

Well, because it is what we are all shouting all the time.  Now, we’re not actually shouting it directly.  However, we are shouting thousands of different things that all say the same thing, “kingdom now.”

“Alright Nicholas,” you may be thinking, “You have introduced your cute, little catchphrase.  Now explain yourself, or off with your head!”

Calm down first, then I’ll explain.

Okay, so, now to explain my little catchphrase.  Why Kingdom now?  Because we are obsessed with this life we are currently living.  And, rightly so, as it takes faith to think that there is anything beyond it.  We know we are alive now.  It takes faith to believe that there is something beyond this. 

Most Christians, at first, will say they believe that there is more to our existence than this life.  We’ll talk about heaven of course, and rightly so as well.  Oddly enough, pretty much every single culture almost ever has had an idea of an afterlife.  This is a massive question for the belief that there is nothing more, for why would we believe such a thing.  Some say it is genetic.  Okay, why is it genetic?  How and why could nothing become something, and then evolve into something that wanted more than that something? 

Rocks do not, as far as I know, long for anything, much less to be something other than a rock.  Although, rocks are rather laconic, so maybe I am just not listening hard enough.  We humans, however, are burgeoning with desire.  We don’t even know what to do with it all.  So much so do we desire that this life quickly reaches its limits in meeting our desire.  Even those who have everything that we all think would make us happy are left searching for more, often more so.

Thus, every man wrestles with the idea of the afterlife, with something more. 

As Christians, we definitely believe this.  At least we think we do.  I say “think” because we don’t really act like it.

God, through the Bible, has time and again told us that this life is no longer our own.  We are to take up our cross.  We are to die to ourselves.  Our lives are now God’s.  We believe that we are sinners, saved by grace.  God decided, out of love, to pay the price of our sin for us, as we are powerless to do so ourselves.  In return, we are to obey Him, and it will not be easy.  The Bible sucker punches only those who not read it.  It is very open and honest about suffering and that we will have desires that we will not get to give into.  God says He’ll change our hearts.  Our desires will slowly meld into His.  Our reward for doing so is the Kingdom of Heaven.  A place of perfection.  No sorrow.  Eternal bliss.

As I said, we know this in part.  Only, we are constantly battling the desire for that kingdom not to be in heaven, not wait, not to give up who we are.  We want our kingdom now. 

Every day I struggle with this.  My life doesn’t look like I wanted it to.  This is not a Christian problem for sure.  Lots of people struggle with this.  Only, as Christian, the chances are so very much higher.  You see, this is because we often blatantly choose to go against tour desire now for what lies ahead.  Our desire to build up our material wealth here is strong.  Our desire to keep everyone alive is strong.  Most give into it fully.  All of us give into it somewhat.  We are faced with a decision to live for God, and build toward heaven, or for now, and we win some and lose some. 

Thankfully, they are not always at odds, just often. 

God may not give you something you thought you’d have, perhaps a spouse, or children.  Perhaps he gave you a spouse, only not the one you wanted.  Maybe you want a big house, and God wants you to give up the high paying job to share the gospel.  Perhaps not.  But… perhaps. 

Point is, we’re all screaming “kingdom now,” when the truth is the kingdom is later, like it or not.  Your goods will not go with you when you die, and every single person you know and love will die.  All of them. Don’t be fooled into trading the fleeting scraps of this life for an eternity of bliss.  There your treasure will never end.  You loved ones will never die.  You have to get there first.  And more importantly, in this life, God’s glory is to be shared.  The gospel, that we were sinners, and yet were saved, must be told to everyone, and you are the on to do it, and so am I.

May we actually live like we believe what we say we believe.  May we lay it down, even though it is hard, even though we struggle to want to build up this life now.  May we not over do it and let go of this life as a whole either, swinging the other way in extremes.  Amen.

Corinthians 8-13-23

18 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.  

19 For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. 

20 For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope  

21 that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God.  

22 For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. 

23 And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies.